THE SASH ThursdayAugust 12th 2010
The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.
Herbert Cup.
The Herbert Cup Final between Sarsfields and Moorefield takes place this Saturday at 7pm in Ballyteague. Well done to the senior B team and the junior B team who both opened their championship campaigns with wins against Leixlip and Johnstownbridge respectively. The senior B had a one point win over Leixlip on Monday night, 2-8 to 0-13 while the Junior B’s had two to spare over Johnstownbridge 2-14 to 2-12 on Tuesday night. Commiseration to the Junior Junior C team who lost to RaHeens by 1-10 to 0-9 last night in Milltown.
Club Membership Discount Scheme
Sarsfields members can avail of a 10% discount when they show their membership cards while shopping at the following businesses that are participants of the Club Membership Discount Card Scheme.
Acupuncture and Sports Therapy – Gerry Loftus 16 lower Eyre Street.
Amazon Beauty Salon, Ballymany Shopping Centre, Newbridge
An Chistin Restaurant, George’s St, Newbridge
Attic Storage, Industrial Estate, Newbridge.
Biodental Dental Laboratory, Middle Eyre Street
Blooms Florist, Henry Street , Newbridger
Champions Sports, Whitewater, Shopping Centre
Chat & Chew , Café Edward St. Newbridge.
Chicken America Restaurant, Edward St Newbridge.
Clarke’s Menswear, Edward St, Newbridge
Cosgorve’s Pharmacy., Edward Sy Newbridge.
Curraghr Race Course.
Ecocraft, Environmental Building, Clongorey, Newbridge.
Edward Harrigans, pub and Restaurant. Main Street.
Enigma Design Homeware & Gifts, Tarmel Centre
Fallons Bar & Café Main Street, Kilcullen
Farrell & Nephew Gift & Bookshop, Main Street, Newbridge.
Fitzsimons Finance, Cutlery Road, Newbridge.
Hokey Pokey Café, Charlotte Street, Newbridge.
Jardin Royale , Chinese Restaurant, Main Street, Newbridge
Jean’s Jewellers & Giftware, Henry Stret.
Joe Kelly Barber, George’s Street.
Kildare Tyres & Batteries, Cutlery Road, Newbridge.
LHW Insurances Group, 57/58/George’s Street Dun Laoghaire.
Lilywhite Print, Eyre Street, Newbridge.
Maginn Electrical, Curragh Camp.
Marty’s Cabs, Main Street Newbridge.
Michael Murphy Furniture, Edward Street, Newbridge.
Moores Builders Providers, Cutlery Road.
Newbridge Hire Service, Newbridge Industrial Estate.
Newbridge Van Rental, Newhall, Naas.
Newbridge Nutrition, Eyre Street.
O’Leary Shoes, Dunnes Stores, Newbridge
O’Reilly Pharmacy, Curragh Grange, Newbridge.
Owen Baker, Menswear, Charlotte Street, Newbridge.
Paul’s Riverside Restaurant, Market Square, Kilcullen.
Red Lane Driving Range, Red Lane , Newbridge.
Reflections Boutique, Moorefield Road, Newbridge.
Riozzi’s Take Away, Eyre Street.
Robbie’s Butchers, Highfield, Newbridge.
Sheehy Motors, Newbridge Road, Naas.
Stevenson’s Home Décor, Ballymany Shoppinf Centre, Newbridge.
Swift’s Bar and Restaurant, Main Street, Newbridge.
Tarmel Laundry & Dry Cleaners, Cutlery Road, Newbridge.
The Fabric Library, Kildaara Industrial Estate, Newbridge.
The Good Food Gallery, Carnalway, Kilcullen.
The Kiosk Florists, Main Street, Newbridge.
Tom Malone Butchers, Charlotte Street, Newbridge
Top Twenty, Dunnes Stores Shopping Centre.
WE Fit Tyre & Exhaust Centre, Newbridge Industrial Estate.
Whitewater Café Club, Edward Street, Newbridge.
Whyte Melia Electrical, 882, Piercetown, Newbridge.
Sasrsfields On Facebook
Sarsfields now have 430 Fans on Facebook.
Sarsfields now has a Facebook Page where all sections can now post information directly relating to games, results events and photos etc. In addition there is a discussion forum. Link to Sarsfields Facebook page can be found by scrolling down the home page of the Sarsfields website or by Googling Sarsfields GAA Facebook.
More Stupid Quotes.
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season, ‘I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.’
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh, ‘I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.’
‘Shaquille O’Neal [basketball] on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece, ‘I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.’
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach, ‘You guys line up alphabetically by height.’ And ‘You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.’
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota, ‘He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.’
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice, ‘My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.’
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player, ‘I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.’
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins, ‘He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.’
Oiler coach, Bum Phillips, when asked by Bob Cost why he takes his wife on all road trips, Phillips responded, ‘Because she is too dang ugly to kiss good-bye!’
‘I find it funny to watch people patronize me or think I’m
dumb because I’m blonde and young. I know I have a higher
IQ than 99% of the brunettes out there.’
– Hayden Panettiere, being a little egotistical.
‘If I saw an alien, I’d tell it to screw off because
whatever planet he came from they wouldn’t have The Beatles
or any decent music.’
– Liam Gallagher (Oasis)
‘Do you still throw spears at each other?’
– idiot Prince Philip (to an Aboriginal businessman in
traditional dress)
‘I find it a bit sad that there is no photo of me hanging on
the walls in the Berlin Museum at Checkpoint Charlie.’
– Actor David Hasselhoff
It’s really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if
the other person is not going to allow me to be with other
people.
– Singer Axel Rose
–
Odd/Strange/Bizarre Story’s
What a Croc
PERTH, Australia – A man thrown out of a pub in Australia
broke into a zoo and climbed onto the back of a crocodile
named Fatso, which bit him on the leg but then let him go.
Police said they’re surprised the croc didn’t inflict worse
damage. The 36-year-old man, who police said had just been
thrown out of a pub for being drunk, told officials he
scaled the barbed wire fence surrounding the Broome
Crocodile Park in remote northwest Australia on Monday night
because he wanted to give the 16-foot Fatso a pat.
‘He has attempted to sit on its back and the croc has taken
offense to that and has spun around and bit him on the right
leg,’ Broome Police Sgt. Roger Haynes said.
The saltwater crocodile then inexplicably let the man go,
and he climbed back over the fence to safety, police said.
The man, who was a tourist from eastern Australia and whose
name was not released, suffered some ‘very nasty
lacerations’ and was taken to a hospital, Haynes said.
‘Saltwater crocodiles … once they get hold of you, are not
renowned for letting you go,’ Haynes said. ‘He’s lucky to
have escaped with his life.’
Man uses petrol as cleaner
A man blew up his house as he washed his kitchen floor with a cleaning fluid mixed with petrol. The fumes were ignited by the boiler in his living room.
The blast blew out the bay window and wrecked ceilings and walls in Ron Cox’s home. He had been using Cillit Bang to get glue off his kitchen floor tiles, but he found it such hard work he thought petrol would help. As the fumes wafted through the house there was an explosion as they came into contact with the pilot light on the gas boiler. Newspapers reported that Mr Cox said, ‘I didn’t realise what had happened at first. I couldn’t believe the damage. It was just a cupful. Lucky I was in the kitchen and no one else was in the house.’
He has now moved out of the house in Scunthorpe, Lincs, while it is repaired. His neighbour, Dave, told the reporter, ‘We heard an almighty bang. I rushed round and found Ron shocked but unhurt.’ Dave put out a fire in the lounge and dialled 999.
Humberside fire chief Stuart Spence said: ‘Ron is very lucky. Nobody should ever try to use petrol as a cleaner.’
True Story
Fished Off
BROOKLYN PARK, Minnesota. – Eight-year-old Logan Fisher is fed up
with crime. And he’s making sure the leaders of his
Minnesota city know it.
Logan was ticked because thieves broke into his Brooklyn
Park home last month and stole thousands of dollars worth of
electronics, not to mention his wallet filled with quarters.
So the soon-to-be fourth-grader climbed a stool and took the
podium at this week’s City Council meeting. The Star Tribune
reports he wrote out his speech in pencil, then had his mom
type it up.
He said, ‘We need to get mean and we need to mean it.’
Deputy Police Chief Craig Enevoldsen agreed with Logan on
neighbors watching out for neighbors and stepped up police
patrols. But he said the boy’s idea to put an armored SWAT
vehicle on the streets to scare criminals away wasn’t so
practical.
True Story 2
Humour
Spare Seat
A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the SuperBowl from
his company. Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium,
he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the
stadium, he’s closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through
his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on
the 50 yardline.
He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the
stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As
he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him,
‘Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?’
The man says ‘No.’
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game,
Joe again inquires of the man next to him, ‘This is
incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like
this at the SuperBowl and not use it?!’
The man replies, ‘Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I
was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This
is the first SuperBowl we haven’t been together at since we
got married in 1967.’
‘Well, that’s really sad,’ said Joe, ‘but still, you
couldn’t find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close
relative?’ ‘No,’ the man replies, ‘They’re all at the
funeral.’
Little Johnny’s Brother
Little Johnny’s new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
He asked his mom, ‘Where’d we get him?’
His mother replied, ‘He came from heaven, Johnny.’
Johnny says, ‘WOW! I can see why they threw him out!’
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some
advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the
long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30AM, the
store’s opening time.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to
be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man’s
second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked
around a bit and then thrown to the end of the line again.
As he got up the second time, he complained to the person at
the end of the line, ‘That does it! If they hit me one more
time, I’m not opening the store!’
The Perfect Husband
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi
and the cabbie said, ‘Perfect timing. You’re just like ‘Brian!
Passenger: ‘Who?’
Cabbie: ‘Brian Sullivan. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my
coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan,
every single time.’
Passenger: ‘There are always a few clouds over everybody.’
Cabbie: ‘Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand
Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and
danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was
an amazing guy.’
Passenger: ‘Sounds like he was something really special.’
Cabbie: ‘There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.
He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But
Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right.’
Passenger: ‘Wow. Some guy then.’
Cabbie: ‘He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not
like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and
he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer
her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes
highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could
ever measure up to Brian Sullivan.’
Passenger: ‘An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?’
Cabbie: ‘Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I’m married to his ef*in widow’
Inner Peace – this really works!
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in
our lives.
Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I’d started and hadn’t finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclets.
Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now.
Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr paece.
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a British newspaper:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour’s dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog… able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
*** And the WINNER is… ***
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica,
45 volumes.
Excellent condition…..£200 or best offer.
No longer needed; got married last month.
Wife knows f#%#%#g everything!
