Sarsfields Newsletter

THE SASH  Wednesday Jan 27^th 2010

The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.     

  Leinster Senior football Championship

 Full fixtures: NFL Division 2:  All Sunday games at 2.30. Saturday games at 7.30 under lights – Rnd 1: Sunday, February 7, Kildare -v- Down; Rnd 2: Saturday, February 13, Tipperary -v- Kildare Thurles under lights at 7.30; Rnd 3: Sunday, March 7, Kildare -v- Donegal; Rnd 4: Sunday, March 14, Armagh -v- Kildare; Rnd 5: Sunday, March 21, Kildare -v- Westmeath; Rnd 6: Saturday, March 27 – Laois -v- Kildare under lights at 7.30; Rnd 7: Sunday, April 11, Meath -v- Kildare.

NHL Division 2 – Rnd 1: Sunday, February 21, Laois -v- Kildare; Rnd 2: Sunday, February 28, Kildare -v- Antrim; Rnd 3: Saturday, March 13 – Westmeath -v- Kildare; Rnd 4: Saturday, March 20 – Kildare -v- Down; Rnd 5: Sunday, March 28, Wexford -v- Kildare; Rnd 6: Sunday, April 4, Kildare -v- Carlow; Rnd 7: Sunday, April 18, Kildare -v- Clare.

 
Applications for Manager of Junior B and Junior C  football teams are
now being sought. If Interested please contact Chairman Brendan Ryan 087
9345109  or  Secretary John Holden 087 2872208

Club Membership
 
Club Membership for all sections is now due. Contact Registrar Kathleen
(Ollie) Ryan 086 6264115

The new membership rates are as follows:

Adult Member €60

Adult Player €120 (includes €60 player contribution)

Student Player €90  (includes €60 player contribution)

Unemployed Player €70 (includes €60 player contribution)

Retired Member €10

Juvenile Member (Kindergarten to Under 9) €30

Juvenile Member ( Under 10 to Under 18) €60  (includes €30 player
contribution)

Family Membership €70 + players levies

 

Camogie Manager Required

Sarsfields Camogie

We are looking for a new manager for 2010. If anyone is interested could
they please let me know on 087 2963212.
We will be having our AGM at the end of January.
 
I would also like to take this opportunity to say a big thank you to our
manager for the last couple of years Joe Murray who will not be taking
the position next year.His commitment and dedication could not be
faulted and was much appreciated. Also thank you to Lynda McNamee and
Dan Whelan who thankfully will still be involved next year.
 
Contact 
Paula Earley
087 2963212.

Underage Camogie & Hurling Training.
 
Indoor training starts from Thursday the 4th of Feb in the Patrician Brothers School Hall Newbridge from 7pm to 8pm for under 9 or up to 3rd class.
€2 per child.
 
All Outdoor Underage Hurling & Camogie training starts back in Sarsfields on Thursday 25th of March from 6pm to 7pm.
 
That’s U8, U10, U12 & U14. Boys & Girls.

For more information contact Denise McGann on – 087-2873096

Sign up to the Vodafone Support Your GAA Club programme to donate 5% of
your Pay Monthly bill or Top Up to Sarsfields – without it costing you a
single cent! Contact Shane Campbell or visit the Vodafone web site.

More Stupid Quotes. 

‘I’ve been in politics long enough to know that polls just go
poof at times.’
– George W. Bush.

Another gem from Britney

‘I can’t go anywhere without someone judging me. I did it with
my dad. I’d sit on his lap and I drive. We’re country.’
– Britney Spears addressing concerns about driving with toddler
  Sean Preston in her lap, 2006 

‘You guys, line up alphabetically by height.’
– Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach

‘For those of you who don’t think length matters, I disagree.’
– Martha Stewart, holding a 15-foot long hot dog, on an episode
  of her TV show. 

‘It’s a drag having to wear socks during matches, because the
tan, like, stops at the ankles. I can never get my skin, like,
color coordinated.’
– Monica Seles, tennis player 

‘The team has come along slow but fast.’
– Casey Stengel

Strange/Bizarre/Quirkie News.  

1) Bungled Robbery

The two criminal masterminds planned their heist carefully. They knew the courier would have a suitcase full of cash. They waited for his car to pass, then pursued him at high speed, shooting at the vehicle until the courier was forced to pull over.

Armed robbers made off with what they thought was a suitcase full of cash – they were in for a surprise.  Back at their secret hideout, the bandits prepared to force the locks and spring the cash. That’s when they noticed their plan had gone horribly wrong; instead of taking the money, they made off with a first aid kit.

Police spokesman Johann Steinlitz said, ‘If there was an award for the dumbest crooks they would certainly be in the running.
But even though they did not get what they were after, we are still investigating for attempted armed robbery and endangering lives. Luckily the courier was not harmed in the incident.’

2) Patriotic thieves

Masked bank robbers forced customers and cashiers to sing the Italian national anthem during a hold-up in Guidonia, near Rome.
Police reported that the men then escaped on a motorcycle with �25,000 in cash.[approx.$ 44,550 USD]

3) Failed Robbery – Can You Believe It!

A robbery at a school in Providencia, Chile was foiled when the pupils laughed at the perpetrator of the crime reports the newspaper Las Ultimas Noticias.

The teachers, pupils and parents had been watching the rehearsal of a play which began with the words, ‘This is a robbery’.

The criminal used these words and the audience collapsed in fits of laughter. So taken aback, the robber snatched the registration money and fled from the school into the arms of the police who were on their way having been alerted to the robbery.

 

ROSEVILLE, Calif. – A driver whose SUV plunged into a Northern
California creek after he was startled by his hands-free cell
phone device escaped the sinking vehicle by blasting out the
window with a handgun. The 28-year-old man, whose name wasn’t
immediately available, is an armed security guard at Thunder
Valley Casino, north of Sacramento. He sustained minor injuries
in Sunday’s accident.

A spokesman for the Roseville Fire Department said the man was
traveling northbound on Industrial Avenue in Roseville when the
cell phone device activated. The driver was startled and veered
off the road through the guardrail. The SUV landed in Pleasant
Grove Creek.

He used his gun to shoot himself out, then flagged down a
passer by.

True Story 

More Snakes Than You Could Shake A Stick At?

St. Patrick never really drove out any snakes from Ireland. This
story was an analogy of how he drove paganism out of Ireland.
Since the very earliest of religious times, snakes have always
held a role representative of evil, going right back to the
slithering serpent in the Garden of Eden. But nowhere is the
snake more prominent in legend and religion, than in Ireland.
St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, was not native to the
island, although he was a Celt. Born circa 379A.D. in either
Scotland or Wales (accounts vary), the son of an alderman was
taken prisoner by pirates and sold into slavery in Ireland, at
the age of 16. Six hard years later, after he had dedicated
himself to God, Patrick escaped, determined to return and
convert the Irish to Christianity. To that end, he travelled to
France, where he studied in a number of places. He begged to be
returned as a missionary, but the Bishop was reluctant to send
so uneducated a person. But then the missionary Bishop to
Ireland died in 431, and Patrick’s way back, was cleared. There
are many tales told about St. Patrick’s teachings, and symbolic
explanations of Christianity and the Bible. One of the best
known, is that he used the three-leafed shamrock to demonstrate
the Holy Trinity. Of course, the most famous St. Patrick story
is how he drove all the snakes out of Ireland using his wooden
staff, with the exception of one particularly cantankerous old
serpent. St. Patrick made a box and invited the snake to take up
residence in it. The snake complained that it was too small, and
an argument ensued. To prove his point, the snake got into the
box, the lid was slammed shut, and St. Patrick threw it into the
sea. But once again, this was a case of religious symbolism,
more than likely representing the fact that he drove the pagans
from Ireland, than any serpents. While it’s true that there are
no snakes in Ireland, that has likely been the case since the
island separated from the main land mass of Europe in
prehistoric times.  

True Story 2 

Hello Operator

In the year 1900, for a women to be a telephone operator she had
to be between the ages of 17 and 26 and not be married.

Have I Reached The Party To Whom I Am Speaking?
  
That famous line, for those old enough to remember it, was
spoken by ‘Ernestine’ the telephone operator character of Lily
Tomlin on the 1960s cult classic television show, Laugh-In.
Ernestine was dressed and hair-styled in the mode of the 1940s,
but compared to early phone operators, she was a maverick in a
profession that was ruled by sexism and rigid rules.

While you may remember the image of a telephone board from a
1940s or 50s movie, they were totally unlike what operators had
to use in 1900. The boards back then were tall, having 200 and
sometimes more connections, that the operator was expected to be
familiar with so she could instantly put the calling party in
touch with the person they wanted. In order to qualify for the
job, girls had to have long arms, so they could reach the top of
the board.

Qualifications in general were rigid, and sexist. Girls had to
be between the ages of 17 and 26, and remain unmarried. But
then, they didn’t take women of Jewish or African descent,
either. Your operator had to be above reproach, since she was
privy to the business and conversations of everyone whose calls
she connected. But for the most part, they themselves were
ignored, treated as an extension of the family servants by rich
families and businesses, who at that time, were the only ones
that could afford the new service. The pay was a munificent
seven dollars a week, small potatoes even in those hard times.

Bizarre Labels:

1) Peanuts – May contain nuts.

2) Puma shoe box – Average Contents: 2
International Yacht Varnish – Not suitable for marine use.  
Guy wonders if this was a translation problem, or whether it was by design?

3) Birthday Card for a 2 year old – Not suitable for children under 3.

4) Superman outfit – Does not enable wearer to fly.

5) Child’s Scooter – This product moves when used.

6) Meat Product – Oven ready half-wild rabbit.

7) Mozzarella salad bagel. – Keep refrigerated …
   avoid the fridge.

8) Sleeping Pills – Warning, may cause drowsiness.

9) Shop Window Advert
   Seen by Will in a cafe window in Emsworth, W. Sussex:
   Cleaner Lady Wanted.

A Football Supporter’s Rant

This was apparently posted on the BBC’s 606 board by a QPR fan.  Not surprisingly, the BBC removed it.  A classic rant about the state of the modern game.
 
Here for your delectation (maybe not for the easily offended):
 
 
‘I take more pleasure in seeing Chelsea lose than I do in seeing QPR win at the moment.

I sat through so many matches when we were absolute dog**** under the likes of Ray Harford and with people like Paul Bruce, Matthew Brazier and Mark Perry in the squad and I never felt like this.

The club isn’t ours anymore but moreso than that – football is just properly gash these days.

I mean really gash.

football generally.

I hate nearly everything about it these days….

I hate the Prem and the myth that it is exciting this year. Man City breaking into the top four isn’t exciting. They spent loads of money. It’s no more exciting that Nameless **** getting to number 1 in the charts after winning the X-Factor.

I hate the myth of Arsene’s kids. Buying some French kid when he’s 17, playing him in the League Cup and then selling him when he’s 20 after about 3 appearances in the league is NOTHING SPECIAL.

I hate hearing about Liverpool/Man Utd’s debt but nothing ever happening about it. A club needs to go to the wall for the money thing to change but it doesn’t happen. Why the **** are Charlton, Leeds and Southampton still in business?

I hate Frank Lampard’s stupid ****ing face. I hate that Joe Cole’s tongue is never in his mouth, the downsy spacker. I hate John Terry being England captain when he’s CLEARLY AN OAF.

I hate young exciting wingers who have nothing but pace. Tony Scully had nothing but pace.

I hate Harry ****ing Redknapp. And Jamie Redknapp. And Louise Redknapp.. And the Wii.

I hate Gary Lineker and Alan Shearer.

I hate Garth Crooks.

I hate Garth Brooks a lot for that matter.

I hate Sky Sports.

I hate that when a lower league player beats 10 players and chips the keeper it doesn’t matter but if Rooney scores from more than 20 yards it’s amazing.

I hate that female sports journos are now mandatory.

I hate Mark Lawrenson for not coming out. ‘I do like a big man at the back’. I bet you do.

I hate any advert that portrays football to be about anything other than pain and disappointment.

I hate Lee Hughes and the fact that he makes a living from the game. I hate Marlon King and any team that signs him when he gets out. I hate that it’ll probably be us.

I hate Phil Brown.

I hate ‘well the ball is a lot lighter now and will cause goalkeepers real problems this summer’ before EVERY ****ING TOURNAMENT!

I hate that Kieron Dyer earned more in the time I took to write this post than I’ll earn this month.

I hate Adrian Durham, Ian Wright and Alan Brazil.

I hate Gazza. Either die or shut up. Stop ****ing lingering.

I hate hearing about Hillsborough more than I hear about Heysel or Bradford.

I hate Leeds.

I hate Roy Keane.

I hate grown men wearing football shirts of their team whilst shopping on a saturday when their team is playing at home.

I hate that I don’t hate Roy Hodgson.

I hate Jermaine Beckford and any player who has neck tattoos.

I hate songs being inappropriately taken as club anthems and then sung in a manly way. ‘I’m forever blowing bubbles….’. Gaylords.

I hate Danny Dyer and anyone he’s ever interviewed.

I hate the book ‘Cass’ by Cass Pennant. It is honestly the stupidest thing I’ve ever read. Chapter 1: Millwall. ‘Yeah we took 50 to Millwall. They had 1000 in their mob but we ran ’em up and down the street’. Chapter 2: Liverpool. ‘Yeah we took 50 to Liverpool. They had 2000 in their mob but we ran ’em up and down the street’. **** me… Jade Goody’s autobiography is probably better. Even her non-ghost written one.

I hate that all good youngsters end their careers at Spurs before they start.’
 

Humour.  

Waste of an Anesthetic

An overworked father was visiting a hospital where his teenage
son was about to have an operation.

Watching the doctor’s every move, he asked, ‘What’s that?’

The doctor explained, ‘This is an anaesthetic. After he gets this
he won’t know a thing.’

‘Save your time, Doc,’ exclaimed the man. ‘He doesn’t know
anything now.’ 

Men’s Wear

A Shopping centre manager has three spaces to rent, all in a row. A
prospective lessee shows up and says he wants to rent the space
on the left for a men’s wear shop.

‘That’s fine,’ the mall manager says. ‘You get free signage;
what do you want on the sign?’

‘Men’s Wear,’ says the man.

A second guy comes along and asks to rent the right hand space
for his gentleman’s formal wear business. When asked he says he
wants ‘Men’s Wear’ on his sign. The mall manager tells him that
the left hand shop will have the same sign. ‘No problem,’ says
the man.

Finally a third man comes along to rent the middle space. The
manager is somewhat concerned because this guy also has a men’s
wear shop. Warily the manager asks the third man what he wants on
his sign. The guy replies: ‘ Oh I think Entrance would be appropriate.’