THE SASH Thursday April 15th 2010

The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.     

SFl Division 1  Sarsfields 0-13 Round Towers 1-9

Tony Ryan

 In the SFL Division 1 tie held in Sarsfields Park on Saturday afternoon Sarsfields snatched a dramatic injury time win over Round Towers with a Ray Cahill point to give them their first win of the campaign to date and a morale booster ahead of this weekend’s championship clash with Naas.

Sarsfields trailed Towers for three quarters of this game until second half substitute Padraig Brennan scored an excellent equalising point from a difficult angle out on the left wing with five minutes of normal time remaining.  Yet as the midpoint of the second half approached it appeared that the Sash were heading for their third successive defeat when they were four points in arrears, 1-8 to 0-7. Defeat was again staring them in the face just 30 seconds after Padraig Brennan’s equaliser. From the kick out Round Towers midfielder Ken Whelan soloed through for a great point from about 30 metres to edge them ahead once more 1-9 to 0-11. Sarsfields however had kept their best for last.  With two minutes left Conor Tiernan repeated Padraig Brennan’s feat with a great point of his own to leave the sides deadlocked at 0-12 to 1-9 and a draw the likely outcome. The destination of the points was decided in injury time when Ray Cahill caught a great ball turned his marker and scored with the aid of the crossbar to clinch what had earlier seemed an unlikely victory for Sarsfields.

It couldn’t have been more different for Sarsfields in the first half as Round Towers built up a five-point lead 1-4 to 0-2 with 20 minutes gone. After a grounded Glenn Ryan in the 10^th minute managed to offload the ball to the in rushing Tom Behan who fired passed Sarsfields goalkeeper Gavin Slicker from close range it was all Towers as they carried the game to Sarsfields. A lethargic Sarsfields had their problems compounded by the fact that they allowed the Round Towers backs, in particular corner back Mc Dara De Paor and wing back Darryl Coogan to roam forward at will with the ball which gave an added impetus to an already well functioning Round Towers forward line which saw the highly accurate Neil Scanlan score three points in addition to Behan’s goal and a point by the hard working full forward Stewart Murphy. Sarsfields did manage to reduce the deficit to two points with three successive points from Ray Cahill and two John Geraghty points before Brian Lacey operating at centre forward pointed on the stroke of half time to give Towers a three point lead, 1-5 to 0-5 at the break.

Towers stretched their lead to five once more with two early second half Neil Scanlan  points and at this stage they looked to have the measure of Sarsfields. It wasn’t until the last quarter of the game that Sarsfields began to finally shake off their lethargy and play their best football. Their renaissance began with a 25-metre point from midfielder Eoin O’Sullivan. An excellent Morgan O’Sullivan point after a good cross field pass from John Geraghty was followed by another Morgan O’Sullivan point from a free before Padraig Brennan’s equaliser and the dramatic finale to the game which in racing parlance saw Sarsfields overtake Towers over the last furlong. Peter McConnen’s Towers team will wonder how they let this game slip from their grasp having dominated for so long throughout and having on two occasions led by five points. His counterpart Sarsfields manager Sean O’Sullivan returning this season for his second term in charge was extremely pleased with the manner of his players’ response in the second half. “I was very pleased with the way the players applied themselves in the second half. It was a morale booster ahead of the championship game against Naas”, said the Sarsfields manager.

Round Towers: James Robinson, Mac Dara  De Paor, Mark Whelan, Mick Kelly, Paul Cornish, Darryl Coogan, (0-1) Padraig Malarkey, Ken Whelan(0-1) Glen Ryan, Brian Lacey(0-1) Tom Behan (1-0) Liam Ryan, Stewart Murphy(0-1) Neil Scanlon (0-5)

Sarsfields: Gavin Slicker, Niall O’Callaghan, Ciaran Carey, John Kavanagh, Conor Tiernan,(0-1) Niall Hedderman, Robert Murphy, Eoin O’Sullivan, Alan Barry, Ray Cahill (0-3) Enda Freaney, Sean Cambell (0-1)  John Geraghty (0-3) Morgan O’Sullivan(0-4) Robbie Confrey. Subs: Padraig Brennan (0-1) for John Geraghty.

SFL Division 3 St Laurence’s 1-14 Sarsfields 2-7

St Laurence’s overcame Sarsfields in the SFL Division clash in Sarsfields Park on Saturday evening thanks to four successive points in the last ten minutes, three from the very effective substitute Sean Higgins and one from wing back Brendan Gorman. Sarsfields had an ideal start with an early goal from impressive full forward Declan McKenna and two points from frees from midfielder John Walsh but St.Laurence’s quickly settled after the early setback and scored a goal of their own through James Fahy. Four first half points  from wing forward Adrian Dunne helped St Laurence’s to a three point lead 1-7 to 1-4 at the break, a lead which they never subsequently surrendered.  Despite an excellent second half goal by Keith Harvey to bring Sarsfields right back into contention midway through the second half leaving the minimum between the sides 2-6 to 1-10 it was the Larries who finished with a flourish dominating the last ten minutes.   

Sarsfields: John Melia, Steven Dunne, Cian Sweeney, Sean Gillick, Keith Browne , Keith Harvey (1-0) Derek Bergin, John Walsh(0-2) Michael Smith, Pat Finlay, Paddy Cambell, Phillip Thinsley, (0-1) Rory Franz, Declan McKenna, (1-2) Brian Smyth (0-2)

St. Laurence’s: Joe McLoughlin, Colm Corcoran, Steven Murphy, Brian Osborne, Brendan Gorman (0-2) JP Byrne, Gary Warren, Adrian Keatley, Billy Kiernan (0-1) Adrian Dunne (0-5) Cormac Byrne, (0-1) David Ging, James Fahy (1-1) Sean O’Driscoll Eoin Clifford. Subs: Mark O’Brien for Steven Murphy (inj 9mins) Sean Higgins (0-4) for David Ging (ht) Ronan Skeehan for Thomas Byrne (44 mins)

SFL Division 5 Sarsfields 1-8 Johnstownbridge 1-8

With six minutes remaining in this opening round of Division 5 of the SFL League between Sarsfields and Johnstownbridge in Sarsfields Park last Wednesday it looked as if Johnstownbridge had done enough to secure both points as they led by four points 1-8 to 0-7. Having led since Ian Farrell’s early second half goal and with Jason O’Keeffe leading a livelier forward line than the Sash they looked as if they would hold out for victory.

However just as daylight was fading and Sarsfields hopes along with it Sarsfields  forward Barry Nolan  pointed from a free to put Sarsfields within striking distance of Johnstownbridge. A couple of minutes of sustained Sarsfields pressure ensued. With four minutes remaining Sarsfields endeavour was rewarded when Shane Cole managed to get half a yard ahead of his two attentive markers and unleashed a powerful shot from 20metres to equalise the game at 1-8 apiece and to give Sarsfields what had hitherto seemed unlikely, a deserved share of the points. Sarsfields new  manager, former Raheens and Sarsfields championship winner and Leinster Championship winner with Raheens, Paddy Cambell and his selectors Mick Keogh and Eric Thorpe will have been pleased by the manner in which the players responded when the game appeared to be going against them. Impressive for Sarsfields were Niall O’Conner, Paddy Keogh, Danny Watson, Kieran Miller Barry Nolan and Shane Cole. For Johnstownbridge Shane Flanagan, Dirmuid Holton, Jason O’Keefe and Ian Farrell performed well.

Johnstownbridge: Enda Murphy, Ethan Cooney, Diramuid Holton, Will Donnelly, Derek Donegan, Edie Holton, Shane Flanagan,(0-1) David Keenan, Ian Farrell (I-1) Jason O’Keeffe,( 0-5) Harry Morrin, (0-1) Colm Coleman, Kelvin McNally, Tony Keegan.

Sarsfields: Stephen Jacob, Paddy Keogh, Noel Crinnigan, Niall O’Conner, Tom Sex, Tadgh Riordan, Jason Moore, Danny Watson, Kevin Miller, Niall Flynn, Kieran Miller, (0-2) Christopher Fox, Shane Cole, (1-2) Darran Cambell Barry Nolan(0-4)

Subs: David Breslin for Kevin Miller (ht) Dermot Nolan for Darren Cambell (inj 45 mins) Ross Houlihan for Christopher Foxe (50 mins)

Sash Notes  

The Senior footballers got their first win of the league campaign to date after a dramatic injury time point by Ray Cahill in Sarsfields Park last Saturday afternoon to edge out Round Towers by single point 0-13 to 1-9. The Senior B team lost to St Laurence’s by 1-14 to 2-7. Best wishes to the seniors against Naas in Round 1 of the championship this Saturday and to the Kildare minor team who play Dublin in the first round of the Leinster championship on Saturday in St. Conleth’s Park at 3pm.

The Junior B team under the new management of Paddy Campbell (Snr) and selectors Michael Keogh and Eric Thorpe came from four points down with six minutes remaining against Johnstownbridge to snatch a draw in the opening game of their  league campaign   The hurlers after a good start against Broadford lost out on a scorelin of 2-12 to 1-8 in  Sarsfields Park on Thursday night last. National Hurling Co-Coordinator Tipperary native Paudie Butler will be in Sarsfields  tomorrow night  at 6.00pm  Thursday 15^th April. He will take the Juvenile Hurling training session from 6.00pm to 7.00pm. This will cover juvenile ages from 7years to 14years. It is hoped that as many as possible will turnout. Any members interested in coaching hurling are welcome to come along and watch the session.

Next Saturday night April 17^th the launch of the Sarsfields draw will take place in the clubhouse at 9pm. This will coincide with the re launch of the quarterly Sash Magazine. Tickets for the draw are priced at €20 and there will be €11,000  worth of prizes. 

             Underage training every Saturday morning at 11.15am for the following age groups: Kindergarten – 4/5/6 yr. Olds. Kindergarten Hurling, Boys Under 7’s, Boys Under 8’s, Boys Under 9’s, Girls Under 8’s and Girls Under 9’s. New members are very welcome If you have any queries, please do not hesitate to contact the Juvenile chairperson, Stephen Murphy, on 087 2840877. Best wishes to Denis Lahart who has been appointed Sarsfields hurling manager for 2010.  Adult hurling training takes places every Tuesday night at 7.30               

Lottto results for Monday March 29th. No Jackpot Winner. €100: Brian McDonnell. €40 each: Ger Devine c/o Vincent Miller, Cian Quinn c/o Seamus Buckley, Dart Team c/o Mick Geraghty.  €25: Seamus O’Neill. Lotto value €12,000 Numbers drawn: 3,13,19,27.

          Thanks to Lisa McConnell organiser of the teenage disco, to Fiona Sully, Fiona Byrne, Seamus McGann, Eamon Harnett, Alex Kieran Ian Fleming, Gavin Duane, Chilly Byrne, Ollie Ryan and Kevin McCormack who all helped with the supervision of last Friday night’s successful Disco,

The Health and Safety Officer Vincent Miller has asked that dogs not be brought onto any of the pitches. Notices to this effect have been placed in Sarsfields Park to remind dog owners.  If anyone has any photos of Sarsfields Championship winning teams  from any era please contact Eric Thorpe on 086-1272953 as some teams are missing from the collection of winning Championship teams in the club bar. All originals will be returned after copying.

             If any club member wishes to use the Club Gym please contact Secretary John Holden 087 2872208. to obtain a Gym Fob ( once off cost of €10 ). All team managers are asked to send on preferred training times to club secretary for the coming season as the training pitch roster is being finalised shortly. For any issues relating to health and safety please contact The Club Health and Safety Officer Vincent Miller 087 7998433. 

To book the main function room for weddings, parties etc members can contact the Clubhouse on 432218 or Bar Manager Celine Browne on 087-7934780. Sarsfields resident chef will be happy to discuss menu options for your function.

Logon on to Sarsfields Website www.sarsfieldsgaanewbridge.ie or simply type Sarsfields GAA Newbridge into the Google or Yahoo search engines for all the latest Sash news, weekly Newsletter, fixtures, match reports and lotto

Sarsfields Fixtures this week. 

Thursday 15^th April @6.45pm

Intermediate Hurling League

Celbridge  v  Sarsfields   

U14 Football Féilé A Semi-Final @ 6.45pm

Clane v Sarsfields       

National Hurling Co-ordinator sessions

6.00pm to 8.30pm

Friday 16^th April

Under 10 Hurling League 7pm

Sarsfields v Maynooth

Under 16 Girls Football League

Sarsfields   v Eadestown 7pm

Saturday 17^th April

Leinster Minor Football Championship

at St Conleths Park 3.00pm

Kildare v Dublin

Senior Football Championship

Sarsfields  v  Naas  @  Raheens  @4.30pm

Under 12 Boys Football League

Sarsfields v Leixlip  6.45pm

Sunday 18^th April

At Sarsfields            U14 Hurling Coaching

& games session @ 10.30am 

Under 16 Girls Football League

Naas v Sarsfields  4pm

Junior Football Championship 

Rheban  v  Clogherinkoe  @  Sarsfields  @ 4.30pm         

Senior Football Championship

Allenwood  v  Suncroft  @  Sarsfields  @6pm           

Monday 19th April 

Senior Football League Division 5 @ 7pm

Sarsfields  v  Kill      

Tuesday 20^th April 

Ladies Senior Football League

Maynooth v Sarsfields 7pm

Under 12 Boys Football League

Sarsfields v Leixlip 7pm

 Wednesday 21st April

U14 Hurling Friendly 6.30pm

Sasrsfields On Facebook 

Sarsfields now has a Facebook Page where all sections can now post information directly relating to games, results events and photos etc. In addition there is a discussion forum. Link to Sarsfields  Facebook page can be found by scrolling down the home page of the Sarsfields website.

Kildare’s Leinster Senior, and Minor Fixtures for 2010

 Leinster Senior football Championship.

 NHL Round 7: Sunday, April 18, Kildare -v- Clare.

 
 
 
  Underage Camogie & Hurling Training.
 
  Outdoor Underage Hurling & Camogie training has resumed in Sarsfields and is on every Thursday from 6pm to 7pm for  U8, U10, U12 & U14. Boys & Girls. Saturday 10.30 to 11.30am – Kinder garden Camogie & Hurling Training up to the age 7yrs.

For more information contact Denise McGann on – 087-2873096

Support The Sash with Vodafone

Sign up to the Vodafone Support Your GAA Club programme to donate 5% of
your Pay Monthly bill or Top Up to Sarsfields – without it costing you a
single cent! Contact Shane Campbell or visit the Vodafone web site.

More Stupid Quotes.  

‘I don’t know much about football. I know what a goal is,
which is surely the main thing about football.’
– Victoria Beckham  

‘If people get a kick out of running down pedestrians, you
have to let them do it.’
– Paul Jacobs, marketing director for a video game company

‘Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very
important part of your life.’
– Brooke Shields

Strange/Bizarre/Quirkie News. 

Voluntary Prisoner

CLEVELAND – Police say a motorist fleeing officers in
Cleveland abandoned his car and jumped a fence, landing in
what turned out to be a prison yard.

Garfield Heights police say the chase started in that suburb
early Monday over a traffic violation and reached speeds of
90 mph.

Police say that after a race through several communities,
the driver and a passenger bolted from the car and headed
for a fence.

They apparently did not realize it was on the outside of the
state women’s prison in Cleveland.

They were arrested along with two other passengers who also
tried to flee.

Funny Police Story

A bank robber in Virginia Beach Virginia, USA got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his trousers.

The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door.

A police spokesman informed us, ‘He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants.’

Police have the man’s charred trousers safely in custody. 

Funny, Hilarious and Dumb Questions asked on the TV and Radio

Jon Snow: In a sense, Deng Xiaoping’s death was inevitable, wasn’t it?
Expert: Er, yes. [. Channel 4 News]

—————————————————————–Cystitis is a living death, it really is. Nobody ever talks about it, but if I was faced with a choice between having my arms removed and getting cystitis, I�d wave goodbye to my arms quite happily. – Louise Wener in Q Magazine

—————————————————————–Listener: My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off at the altar on my wedding day.
Simon Fanshawe: How awful! Do you still have an artificial leg? British. Talk Radio


—————————————————————–Interviewer: So did you see which train crashed into which train first?
15-year-old: No, they both ran into each other at the same time. – BBC Radio 4 News


Presenter [to palaeontologist]: So what would happen if you mated the woolly mammoth with, say, an elephant?
Expert: Well in the same way that a horse and a donkey produce a mule, we�d get a sort of half-mammoth.

Presenter: So it’d be like some sort of hairy gorilla?
Expert: Er, well yes, but elephant shaped, and with tusks.

 — Chinese Proverbs —

* Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
* War doesn’t determine who is right, war determines who is left.
* A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song.
* He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.
* How did an embarrassed panda get mistaken for a newspaper?
  They are both black and white, and red all over!

— Interesting Chinese Facts —

* China has more English-speaking inhabitants than England.

* The Mandarin word for China is Zhongguo which translates as ‘middle country’, implying China is the centre of the world.

* Ice cream was invented in China around 2,000 BC when the Chinese placed a milk and rice mixture in the snow.

* When a Chinese child loses a baby tooth, it doesn’t get tucked under the pillow for the tooth fairy. If the child loses an upper tooth, the child’s parents plant the tooth in the ground, so the new tooth will grow in straight and healthy. Parents toss a lost bottom tooth up to the rooftops, so that the new tooth will grow upwards, too. Cheaper than in the West say Will and Guy!

* A complete cycle of the Chinese calendar takes 60 years.
It is considered good luck for the gate to a house to face south.

* China was the first country to invent gun powder and fireworks and also use gun powder for guns, rockets and other arms.

* The Great Wall of China is one of the Seven Wonders of the World and is indeed great because it can be observed by man even from outer space. This wall measures more than 1500 miles in length and is also referred to as the ‘Ten Thousand Li Wall’ with each Li being equivalent to 500 metres.

* Chopsticks originated from, and were used by, the Chinese people approximately 4,000 years ago.

* When you write your name in China you put your family name first then your first name.

* In 550 AD, two Chinese monks smuggled silkworms out of China and started the western world’s silk boom.

* China’s consumption of Coca-Cola is not trivial, in fact, they are the world’s largest imbiber.

* Acupuncture treats illnesses with inserting sharp thin needles in various pressure spots, it originated over 5,000 years ago in China.


 True Story.  

The CRABBY OLD MAN

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in North Platte, Nebraska, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.

Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, They found this poem . Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Missouri. The old man’s sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health.   A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this ‘anonymous’ poem winging across the Internet.


Crabby Old Man

What do you see nurses? . . What do you see?
What are you thinking . . . . . when you’re looking at me?
A crabby old man, . . . . . not very wise,
 Uncertain of habit . . . . . . . … with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food . . .. . . . . and makes no reply .
When you say in a loud voice .. . . . .. ‘I do wish you’d try!’
Who seems not to notice . . . the things that you do .
And forever is losing . . . . .. . . . . . A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not . . . . . . .. . . . lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding The long day to fill?
Is that what you’re thinking?   Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse . . . . . you’re not looking at me .

I’ll tell you who I am.  As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, . . . . . . as I eat at your will.
I’m a small child of Ten . .  . . . . with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters . . . . . . . . . who love one another.

A young boy of Sixteen . . with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now . . . . . . . a lover he’ll meet..
A groom soon at Twenty . my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows . . . . . . that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now . . . . . . . . I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . . . . . . . .. My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . . . . . . With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons .. . have grown and are gone,
But my woman’s beside me . . . . . . . to see I don’t mourn.
At Fifty, once more, babies play ’round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . . . . My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me . . my wife is now dead.
I look at the future … . . . . . . . . ..  shudder with dread..
For my young are all rearing . . . . . .. young of their own.
And I think of the years . . . and the love that I’ve known.

I’m now an old man . . . . . . .. . . and nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles . . . . . . . grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone . . . . . . . where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass . . a young guy still dwells,
And now and again . . . .. . . . my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys . . . . . . . . . I remember the pain.
And I’m loving and living . . . . . .. .. . . . . life over again.

I think of the years, all too few . . . . .. . gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . . . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people . . . . . . . . open and see.
 Not a crabby old man.   Look closer . . .. . see ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within . . . . we will all, one day, be there, too!

PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM
The best and most beautiful things of this world can’t be seen or touched. They must be felt by the heart.  
        

Humour.  

 How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

 
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

‘What are you doing?’
She asked. ‘Hunting Flies’
He responded.

‘Oh. ! Killing any?’
She asked.

‘Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,’ he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
‘How can you tell them apart?’

 He responded,
‘3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
  
 
 Football Bloopers 

And now we have the formalities over, we’ll have the National Anthems
Brian Moore

The last player to score a hat-trick in a cup final was Stan Mortenson. He even had a final named after him, the Matthews final
Lawrie McMenemy

It’s now 4-3 to Oldham, the goals are going in like dominoes
Piccadilly Radio

I felt a lump in my mouth as the ball went in
Terry Venables

It slid away from his left boot which was poised with the trigger cocked
Barry Davies

We have been saying this, both pre season and before the season started
Len Ashurst

But as you know, the result for City is not as bad as it sounds on paper
Steve McIllwenn

Well actually we got the winner up there with three minutes to go, but then they equalised
Ian McNail

Ian Rush, deadly ten times out of ten, but that wasn’t one of them
Peter Jones

Portsmouth are at Huddersfield, which is always away
Jimmy Greaves

It was a fair decision, the penalty, even though it was debatable whether it was inside or outside the box
Bobby Charlton

Believe it or not, goals can change a game
Mike Channon

Ian Rush unleashed his left foot and it hit the back of the net
Mike England

You’ll be hoping that this run of injuries will stop earlier than it started
Andrew Gidley

Ian Durant has grown both physically and metaphorically in the close season
Jock Wallace

It will be a shame if either side lose, and that applies to both sides
Jock Brown

Peter Shilton conceded five, you don’t get many of those to the dozen
Des Lynam

Everything in our favour was against us
Danny Blanchflower

I think everyone in the stadium went home happy, except all those people in Rumania
Ron Greenwood

Butcher goes forward as Ipswich throw their last trump card into the fire
Byron Butler

John Lyall, very much a claret and blue man, from his stocking feet to his hair
Peter Jones

We’ve got nothing to lose, and there’s no point losing this game
Bobby Robson

Who ever wins today will win the championship no matter who wins
Denis Law

Bryan Robson, well, he does what he does and his future is in the future
Ron Greenwood

Wayne Clarke, one of the famous Clarke family, and he’s one of them, of course
Brian Moore

It’s a Renaissance, or put more simply, some you win, some you lose
Des Lynam

Football is a game of skill, we kicked them a bit and they kicked us a bit
Graham Roberts

�5.3 million is a large loaf to be throwing away before a ball’s been kicked
Jimmy Greaves

So that’s 1-0, sounds like the score at Boundary Park where of course it�s 2-2
Jack Wainwright

I do want to play the long ball and I do not want to play the short ball. I think long and short balls is what football is all about
Bobby Robson

Interviewer: In your new book, Pat, you’ve devoted a whole chapter to Jimmy Greaves
Pat Jennings: Yes that’s right, well what can you say about Jimmy?

I am a firm believer that if you score one goal the other team have to score two to win
Howard Wilkinson

Here’s Brian Flynn. His official height is five feet five and he doesn’t look much taller than that

And now International Soccer Special, Manchester United v Southampton
David Coleman

Hodge scored for Forest after only 22 seconds, totally against the run of play
Peter Lorenzo

We are really quite lucky this year because Christmas falls on Christmas Day
Bobby Gould

Well we got nine and you can’t score more than that
Bobby Robson

Don’t tell those coming in now the result of that fantastic match. Now let’s have another look at Italy’s winning goal
David Coleman

Wilkins sends an inch perfect pass to no one in particular
Byron Butler

Even when you’re dead you shouldn’t lie down and let yourself be buried
Gordon Lee

And Ritchie has now scored 11 goals, exactly double the number he scored last season
Alan Parry

I don’t know if that result’s enough to lift Birmingham off the bottom of the table, although it’ll certainly take them above Sunderland
Mike Ingham

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A BRITISH GIRL
The first man married a woman from India. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from China. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table..
The third man married a girl from BRITAIN. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

Thanks to Leo Kennedy
  
 
Tale of the Strange Smithsonian Exhibit

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, Rhode Island named Scott Williams who digs things out of his backyard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labelling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds.

This man really exists and does this in his spare time!

Anyway… here’s the actual response from the Smithsonian Institution. Bear this in mind next time you think you are challenged in your duty to respond to a difficult situation in writing.

Smithsonian Institute 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078
Dear Mr. Williams:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labelled ‘93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post… Hominid skull.’

We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be ‘Malibu Barbie.’

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradict your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

1. The material is moulded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilised bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimetres, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.

This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

1. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

2. Clams don’t have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-datings notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record.

To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn’t really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation’s capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science, Harvey Rowe Chief Curator-Antiquities

* Footnote to the Smithsonian letter:

When I discovered that the Barbie Smithsonian letter was an urban myth, it was nearly as devastating as when, aged 7, I realized that Father Christmas was a phoney.  As Will and Guy never shy away from the truth, we have to expose this brilliant hoax.

Just as when you realize Father Christmas is your parent, the whole myth is burst, so investigating the Barbie Smithsonian Exhibit uncovers facts that don’t fit with the myth.  At first there are small things, there has never been an Antiquities department in the Smithsonian Institute.  Furthermore, research reveals that the Smithsonian are fed up of people ringing up seeking to verify the ‘Barbie’ exhibit which does not exist.

Finally, it has come to our attention that the original prankster is Dr. Harvey Rowe, who conceived the Barbie Smithsonian Letter back in 1994.  A few emails to friends started one of the best ever urban myths.

Dear Tony Ryan

Will and Guy’s Joke of the Day #173

**These are actual call centre conversations! **

* Travel Centre

Customer: ‘I’ve been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can’t get through to enquiries, can you help?’.

Operator: ‘Where did you get that number from, sir?’

Customer: ‘It was on the door to the Travel Centre’.

Operator: ‘Sir, they are our opening hours’.

* Samsung Electronics

Caller: ‘Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?’

Operator: ‘I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about’. Caller: ‘On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?’

Operator: ‘I think you mean the telephone point on the wall’.

* RAC Motoring Services

Caller: ‘Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling
in Australia?’

Operator: ‘ Doesn’t the product give you a clue?’

* AA Motoring Services

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
‘If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to
the other side of the car?’

* Directory Enquiries

1) Caller: ‘I’d like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please’.  Operator: ‘I’m sorry, there’s no listing. Is the spelling correct?’  Caller: ‘Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the ‘B’ fell off’.

2) Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: ‘Woven? Are you sure?’
Caller: ‘Yes. That’s what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland’.

3) On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
‘I haven’t got a pen, so I’m steaming up the window to write the number on’.