Sarsfields Newsletter

November 8, 2018

THE SASH Tuesday March 16th 2010


The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.     


Happy St Patrick’s Day


A very happy St Patrick’s Day to all the Sash Newsletter readers. Sarsfields will be taking part in tomorrow’s parade. All underage managers are asked to have their teams assemble in Tesco car park from 11am.


Mr Sarsfields AKA Eric Thorpe speaks exclusively to the Sash about what his legacy to Sarsfields will be. 


Mr Sarsfields, Maor Uisce Eric Thorpe, greyhound trainer extraordinaire, former junior C championship winning captain which he retrospectively self appointed himself as at the Junior C reunion night last October, self appointed joint senior manager of Sarsfields and trainer with Sean O’Sullivan, self appointed assistant manager on Alan Barry’s Kildare U21 team, self appointed manager of the day to day running of Sarsfields and now self proclaimed classical scholar is a hard man to get an interview with these days. “As you can appreciate Eric is an extremely busy man” said his newly (appointed) press agent”, Tom Whelan. “He’ll fit the Sash in for an interview but won’t be available to the local papers or the national media until later in the season when he will expound on his Sarsfields tactical strategy.” Added the press agent.

Eric sits in his new plush office upstairs in Sarsfields under a portrait of his beloved ancestor, Sarsfields spiritual leader, Patrick Sarsfields who is wearing his green battle dress with white sash, which is now proudly worn by his sons and daughters of Sarsfields GAA club. The Latin words ad victoriam aeternam et Sarsfildus are inscribed in ancient calligraphy underneath the portrait which translates as “eternal victory to Sarsfields” according to recently qualified classical scholar Eric. Audentes fortuna iuvat aut vincere aut mori”, says Eric whose full title he wishes it to be known is now Eric Patrick Sarsfields Thorpe. “Fortune favours the brave, either conquer or we die.” Eric translates. “That’s what I have been instilling into my players, well I mean mine and Sean’s during pre season training.


The Sash: You seem to be doing an extraordinarily amount of work for one man in the club.

Eric Patrick: It’s my duty as a direct descendent of the great Patrick Sarsfields to show example. I mean I have set up all these committees this year to give the club administrators a framework to guide them. For instance I have set up the Development committee, the Fundraising committee, the Football committee, the Communications committee, the Health & Safety committee, the Maintenance crew and the Cleaning crew. These are very important committees and work crews going forward into the future especially in these difficult economic times. They were calling out for delegation and I gave it to them yet they still come running and looking for my advice. I mean some of them even hold meetings at the same time. How am I supposed to deal with that? Even I can’t be in two places at one time.

The Sash: Haven’t you got others like the Vice Chairman Christy Horan to report back to you on what going on in the various committees? It’s been said around the club that he’s your aide de camp so to speak, your inside man with his ear to the ground although he refused to act as your spy on the executive committee.

Eric Patrick: Ah that fellow is useless. Don’t know where we got him from. Someone said that we got him from darkest Offaly. Sure we used send lads down there to teach them how to play football and run clubs. He sits around drinking coffee and chatting every night like he owns the place while I’m trying to run the place. I mean who does he think he is? Me. He’s no good to me except as my personal goofer. I get him to collect me dog supplies from Dr Brennan in Cosgrove’s vetineary department. Fer fecks sake he wouldn’t know a dog biscuit from a chocolate biscuit. Ah I suppose I shouldn’t be to hard on him at least he shows willing when I show him what to do not like some of the others. Some of them are going to have to shape up or they will find themselves shipped out of here quicker than I can say Milltown. But I can tell you one thing I’m replacing Christy with my own man, Pat Cox on the executive committee. He’ll be my ears and eyes from now on. Ye see when they get a bit of power they all get uppity. I mean I have to tell that fellow what do you call him, the PRO what to put in the notes most weeks. What does he want me to do? Does he want me to send them in for him as well? And then there’s that other fellow I found skulking around one night. Miller I think he said his name was. Said he was the Health & Safety Officer. I was going to call the guards on him when I spotted him outside taking notes- thought he was planning another hit on the club- until Christy vouched for him. Thick as thieves they are. I’ll have Pat keep an eye on the two of them. That’s why I gave him his own Health & Safety committee.

You know the more I think about it the less thanks I get for all the work I do. Last Saturday for instance I sent the maintenance crew down to put a fence up at the bottom pitches and when I went to check on them in the afternoon you want to see the reaction of the fellow I appointed foreman, Red McDonnell. He gave me a stare like a rabid dog about to attack when I simply -as I’m entitled to- asked how they were getting on. I won’t repeat the language he used. I mean as an experienced dog man myself I can tell you when a dog is in attack mode. And that McDonnell fellow was in attack mode until I put him wise as to who’s in charge.


Asked what his legacy to Sarsfields will be Eric Patrick said: My legacy is so important that it can’t wait until I’m off to meet my ancestor Patrick Sarsfields. I think that it’s important to recognise my great contribution to the Sarsfields cause now. As soon as the maintenance crew are finished the fence I’m going to get them to erect my own plaque on the wall outside. I will have the words inscribed “Echo  homme Eric Patrick Sarsfields Thorpe datum Sarsfildus perficiemus Sarsfildus munus. Do ut des Sarsfildus. ductus exemplo quo summum bonum Sarsfildus”  which means: “Behold the great man Eric Patrick Sarsfields Thorpe, job needed (to be done) for Sarsfields job accomplished for Sarsfields. I gave for Sarsfields so that you may give too. Leadership by example, for the supreme good of Sarsfields” Eric Patrick proudly translates as he glances up at his great ancestor who doesn’t appear as enthused about Eric’s achievements as Eric Patrick is.  Tom will you ring up Tony Donohoe and get him to get working on the my plaque. And make sure the fecker doesn’t make any mistakes with the Latin words. And while you’re at it call Christy on the intercom and get him up here.” A few minutes later a suitably obsequious   Christy arrives silently at Eric Patrick’s desk appearing to glide across the plush green carpet with the diagonal white stripe. “How may I be of assistance to you, Eric”, says Christy the faithful manservant. “Christy, how many times must I tell you that you must address me as Lord Sarsfields on formal club occasions or Eric Patrick on less formal occasions such as now”. “I’m sorry Lord Sarsfields, eh I mean Eric Patrick.” Ok Christy I want you to go down to Cosgrove’s and get me greyhound dog nuts and the players nuts for their meal after training tonight from Kevin Doc Brennan. Your man Brennan is someone for the fancy titles isn’t he? Who does he think he is.?” “ Well I think he was vice chairman and secretary before my time” says Christy meekly. “Sure that’s nothing compared to my workload now. I’m like Hercules with the weight of this club on my shoulders right now.” “I think Eric Patrick that you mean Atlas” says Christy the manservant even more meekly. “No I don’t want an atlas for fecks sake” I’m not going anywhere you are”, says Eric Patrick distractedly. “Tom will you give him directions to Cosgroves’s for crying out loud. He’s long enough here now to know the way to Cosgrove’s or has he got lapsus memoriae, early dementia”  “No I, I, I just meant that it was Atlas and not Hercules who was the one who carried the weight of the world on his shoulders”. “Look Christy who is the classical scholar here?” “well I, I was just”.  “Don’t bother answering that. As long as you haven’t got lapsus memoriae then you don’t need directions and you certainly not an atlas. Which branch of Cosgrove’s were you planning on going to? The Outer Mongolian one. Though the last time you went you took so long it might well have been the outer Mongolian branch. De  dogs were so hungry I thought they were going ate each other. Ok off you go and don’t fer fecks sake get the dog nuts and the players nuts mixed up will ye?” “How could I when they’re in different bags, Eric Patrick.”  “No, no, no I don’t mean now when you go down to Cosgrove’s. I mean tonight when you are feeding the players and my greyhounds after training.  We can’t have the players eating the dogs nuts and the dogs eating the players nuts.”   


GAA Coverage on St Patrick’s Day


1:00pm    Ó Pháirc an Chrócaigh go Buenos Aires
A review of the journey that took the top hurling players in the country to Buenos Aires, Argentina last December. The GAA All-Stars of 2008 played the All-Stars of 2009 in the Hurling Club in Buenos Aires. The players, the journalists and the people involved in GAA give their views about the trip.

1:30pm   GAA Beo
Live coverage of the AIB GAA All-Ireland Club Football and Hurling Championship Finals from Croke Park. The AIB Club Hurling Final sees Galway champions Portumna taking on Kilkenny king-pins Ballyhale Shamrocks (2pm). The AIB Club Football Final will be contested by Kilmurry-Ibrickane (Clare) who will take on St. Galls (3:45pm). Presented by Micheal Ó Domhnaill with commentary and analysis by Brian Tyers, Coman Goggins, Conal Ó Mairtín, Mac Dara Mac Donncha, Pat Fleury and Cathal Moore.
AIB Club Hurling Final:     Ballyhale Shamrocks (Kilkenny) v Portumna (Galway), 2:00pm
AIB Club Football Final:   Kilmurry-Ibrickane (Clare) v St.Gall’s (Antrim), 3:45pm



Sash Notes


Sarsfields GAA extends deepest sympathy to the Dalton family on the death last week of Davy Dalton Snr, Kilcock and Kildare legend and captain of the Kildare 1956 Leinster championship winning team. Davy was on the Kilcock teams that had great tussles with Sarsfields in the 1950’s and was a Kildare team-mate of our own, Micko Doyle, Boiler White and the late Connie Maher and Ray Swan.. Ar dheis dé go raibh se.

Well done to the U 14 Boys Feile teams who had victories at the weekend. The Feile A team beat Athy 6-9 to 2-7 with impressive performances from Cian McConnell, Alan Scully Con Whelan (0-4), Niall Manning (1-3), Cian Scanlon (2-1), Conor Delahunty (2-0), Dylan Burke (1-0),Shea Ryan (0-1).  The  Feile E team have qualified for the  semi –final after beating Moorefield  7-10 to 3-2. Eoin O Connor, Rory O’ Donnell and Kyran Brady starred.

The Sarsfields senior players are running a table Quiz in the clubhouse on Holy Thursday April 1st at 8.30pm . Table of four just €30. Great Prizes to be won. To book a table call Padraig Brennan on 087-2313458.

Sarsfields adult Camogie training resumed last Monday March 15th with new manager Liam O’Dwyer.Training also on Thursday night (tomorrow) March 18th at 7pm sharp and every week thereafter on Monday and Thursday nights at 7pm.The Kildare Camogie Board will be running an Easter camp in the club from Tuesday 30th March to Thursday 1st April from 10.30am to 1.30pm at a cost of €30. Further details are available from Paula Earley on 087 2963212 or Aileen O’Callaghan.

The new fence at the top is pitch 2 is nearly complete with. Thanks to Billy McDonnell, Paschal Murray, Brian Dempsey, Barney Breslin, Pauric Moran, Tom Whelan and Ken Buckley for their labour.

            Sarsfields now have a Facebook page. Access is via the Homepage of the Club website. All sections of the club can now post fixtures, results, upcoming events, and photos etc. directly to Sarsfields’ Facebook page. Come and meet new friends and join in or start discussions. If there are any problems posting information please contact PRO Tony Ryan, Sarsfields Facebook administrator on 087 2767338 or at

Best wishes to Dermot Earley and Gary White, Alan Smith and the Kildare team in Sunday’s NFL tie against Westmeath.

Welcome to the club to the Gillen brothers Sean and Eamonn who recently transferred to the club from St Kevin’s in Tallaght.

All players are reminded that the deadline for payment of membership was 13th March. Unpaid Players will be unable to play or train after until their membership is paid. Would all team managers please note that only pitch 2 is to be used for training.

            Saturday morning Underage training returned on Saturday last the 6th of March, at 11.15am for the following age groups: Kindergarten – 4/5/6 yr. Olds. Kindergarten Hurling, Boys Under 7’s, Boys Under 8’s, Boys Under 9’s, Girls Under 8’s and Girls Under 9’s. New members are very welcome If you have any queries, please do not hesitate to contact the Juvenile chairperson, Stephen Murphy, on 087 2840877.
Lottto results for Monday March 8th. No Jackpot Winner. €100 Paul O’Leary: €40 each: Noel Sherry c/o Vincent Miller, Tara Hannify Phil Browne, c/o Seamus O’Neill €25: Lily McDonald Lotto value €12,000 Numbers drawn:

If any persons in the club have First Aid experience please contact The Club
Health and Safety Officer Vincent Miller 087 7998433. If anyone has any  photos of Sarsfields Championship winning teams  from any era please contact Eric Thorpe on 086-1272953 as some teams are missing from the collection of winning Championship teams in the club bar. All originals will be returned after copying.

             If any club member wishes to use the Club Gym please contact Secretary John Holden 087 2872208. to obtain a Gym Fob ( once off cost of €10 ). All team managers are asked to send on preferred training times to club secretary for the coming season as the training pitch roster is being finalised shortly. For any issues relating to health and safety please contact The Club Health and Safety Officer Vincent Miller 087 7998433. 

To book the main function room for weddings, parties etc contact the Clubhouse on 432218 or Bar Manager Celine Browne on 087-7934780. Sarsfields resident chef will be happy to discuss menu options for your function.



Club Membership
Club Membership for all sections is now due. Contact Registrar Kathleen
(Ollie) Ryan 086 6264115

The new membership rates are as follows:

Adult Member €60

Adult Player €120 (includes €60 player contribution)

Student Player €90  (includes €60 player contribution)

Unemployed Player €70 (includes €60 player contribution)

Retired Member €10

Juvenile Member (Kindergarten to Under 9) €30

Juvenile Member ( Under 10 to Under 18) €60  (includes €30 player

Family Membership €70 + players levies

Sarsfields Fixtures this week.  


*Wednesday  17th March 2010*

Dowling Cup Semi-Final   11.00am.

Sarsfields (2)  v  Robertstown     Nial Colgan

Saturday 20th.March  at 3pm.
Jack Higgins Cup Final  (To be confirmed)

Sarsfields  v  Straffan       Jody Callan

*16 Football League Div 2 Rd 4 @4.00pm

At Robertstown            Na Fianna v Sarsfields             Padraig Gill

*Sunday 21st March  2010 *

*Minor Football League Division 1   11.45AM*

  Sarsfields  v  Athy       Liam Herbert  


Junior Hurling League 2009 Final 3pm at Donard

Sarsfields  v  Kilcock      Liam Whelan

*Allianz National Football League Roinn 2 R5  at 2.30PM*

  Cill Dara  v  Westmeath



Sasrsfields On Facebook 


Sarsfields now has a Facebook Page where all sections can now post information directly relating to games, results events and photos etc. In addition there is a discussion forum. Link to Sarsfields  Facebook page can be found by scrolling down the home page of the Sarsfields website.


Kildare’s Leinster Senior, and Minor Fixtures for 2010



 Leinster Senior football Championship.





Louth v Longford




Wicklow v Carlow




Meath v Offaly








Louth/Longford v Kildare




Wicklow/Carlow v Westmeath




Meath/Offaly v Laois


Croke Park


Wexford v Dublin


Croke Park






Louth/Longford/Kildare v Wicklow/Carlow/Westmeath


 Note Saturday 26th. venue

To be announced 


Meath/Offaly/Laois v Wexford/Dublin






Croke Park







 Leinster Minor Football Championship

Minor Football



1. Wicklow v Wexford



2. Carlow v Westmeath



3. Louth v Laois



4. Kildare v Dublin



5. Offaly v Longford



6. Meath v Kilkenny






7. Loser 5 v Loser 1


Home Venue Loser 5

8. 7 v Loser 2 = A


Home Venue 7

9. Loser 4 v Loser 3


Home Venue Loser 4

10. 9 v Loser 6 = B


Home Venue 9




11. 6 v 5


Home Venue 6

12. 3 v 1


Home Venue 3

13. A v 2


Home Venue A

14. 4 v B


Home Venue 4




15. 11 v 12

26.06.2010 (30.06.2010)

Home Venue 11

16. 13 v 14

26.06.2010 (30.06.2010)

Home Venue 13

CRAOBH: 15 v 16


Croke Park


 Kildare’s National Football League And Hurling Fixtures

First team out has home advantage.

 Remaining  fixtures: NFL Division 2:  All Sunday games at 2.30. Saturday games at 7.30 under lights –Rnd 5: Sunday, March 21, Kildare -v- Westmeath; Rnd 6: Saturday, March 27 – Laois -v- Kildare under lights at 7.30; Rnd 7: Sunday, April 11, Meath -v- Kildare.

NHL; Rnd 4: Saturday, March 20 – Kildare -v- Down; Rnd 5: Sunday, March 28, Wexford -v- Kildare; Rnd 6: Sunday, April 4, Kildare -v- Carlow; Rnd 7: Sunday, April 18, Kildare -v- Clare.


NFL League Fixtures for this weekend.  


20.03.2010 (Sat)
Allianz GAA National Football League
Round 5
Roinn I
Páirc Ui Rinn 7.30pm Corcaigh v Áth Cliath Setanta Ireland
Referee: Pat McEnaney (Muineachán)

Roinn II
Páirc Esler 7.30pm An Dún v Ard Mhacha Setanta 1
Referee: Martin Sludden (Tír Eoghain)

Páirc Tailteann  7.30pm An Mhí v Laois
Referee: Jimmy McKee (Ard Mhacha)

Thurles 7.30pm Tiobraid Árann v Dún na nGall
Referee: Michael Collins (Corcaigh)

Allianz GAA Hurling National League
Round 4
Roinn I
Pearse Stadium 2.30pm Gaillimh v Uíbh Fhailí
Referee: James McGrath (Iarmhi)

Roinn II
Newbridge 2.30pm Cill Dara v An Dún
Referee: Garrett Duffy (Aontroim)

21.03.2010 (Sun)
Allianz GAA National Football League
Round 5
Roinn I
Tuam 2.30pm Gaillimh v Tír Eoghain TG4 (Deferred)
Referee: Marty Duffy (Sligeach)

Scotstown 2.30pm Muineachán v Doire
Referee: Padraig Hughes (Ard Mhacha)

Tralee 2.30pm Ciarraí v Maigh Eo
Referee: David Coldrick (An Mhí)

Roinn II
Newbridge 2.30pm Cill Dara v An Iarmhi
Referee: Aidan Mangan (Ciarraí))

Roinn III
Wexford PK 2.30pm Loch Garman v Fear Manach
Referee: Maurice Deegan (Laois)

Tullamore 2.30pm Uíbh Fhailí v Aontroim
Referee: Thomas Quigley (Áth Cliath)

Drogheda 2.30pm An Lú v Ros Comáin
Referee: Sean Carroll (An Iarmhí)

Markievicz PK 2.30pm Sligeach v An Cabhán
Referee: Robert O’Donnell (Dún na nGall)

Round 6
Roinn IV
Carrick-on- Shannon 1.00pm Liatroim v Londain
Referee: Declan Corcoran (Ros Comáin)

Freshford 2.30pm Cill Chainnigh v Longfort
Referee: Brain O’Shea (Áth Cliath)

Aughrim 2.30pm Cill Mhantáin v Luimneach
Referee: Eddie Kinsella (Laois)

Cusack Park 2.30pm An Clár v Ceatharlach
Referee: Brian Tyrell (Tiobraid Árann)


Underage Camogie & Hurling Training.
 All Outdoor Underage Hurling & Camogie training starts back in Sarsfields on Thursday 25th of March from 6pm to 7pm.
That’s U8, U10, U12 & U14. Boys & Girls.

For more information contact Denise McGann on – 087-2873096




Support The Sash with Vodafone

Sign up to the Vodafone Support Your GAA Club programme to donate 5% of
your Pay Monthly bill or Top Up to Sarsfields – without it costing you a
single cent! Contact Shane Campbell or visit the Vodafone web site.

More Stupid Quotes. 


‘It’s a drag having to wear socks during matches, because
the tan, like, stops at the ankles. I can never get my skin,
like, colour coordinated.’

– Monica Seles, tennis player  


‘I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away
from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new
land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for
– John Wayne


Strange/Bizarre/Quirkie News.


The Midnight Knitter

WEST CAPE MAY, New.Jersey. – An unknown person dubbed The Midnight
Knitter by West Cape May residents is covering tree branches
and lamp poles with little sweaters under cover of darkness.

Mayor Pam Kaithern says police are looking into the
guerrilla needlework, which technically is against the law
because it is being done on public property without

The mayor and many residents admit they’re enthralled by the
rainbow of colours that has popped up.

Resident Susan Longacre takes a walk each morning in
Wilbraham Park, where several tree branches and light poles
have gotten the treatment. She thinks it’s great.

Even those who aren’t thrilled admit the yarn is better than
spray-painted graffiti. 




True Story. 

The Dark Side Of Thomas Edison

Thomas Edison, the inventor of the light bulb was afraid of
the dark.  
Thomas Edison was a strange child, right from the beginning.
As the seventh child of the family grew, he remained silent,
for which his parents may have later been grateful. Not
until he reached the age of four, did Edison speak,
something that may or may not have been caused by a partial
hearing loss which would worsen before he was out of his

However, he did have one thing in common with other
children, his most frequently asked question was ‘Why?’ For
Edison soon became interested in the working of things that
caught his attention. That interest would end his formal
education at the age of seven, after only three months. His
teacher, frustrated at the constant questioning, sent Edison
home, observing that his broad head and jaw indicated a
mental defect. When in fact, Edison looked just like his

From that time on, Edison was home-schooled, which while not
a new idea in 1854, was certainly not the norm. His mother
taught the Bible, and the three Rs, while his somewhat
undependable father rewarded him with a dime, for every
literary classic he read. By the age of 12, Edison had
become a mini entrepreneur, running his own printing press
and putting out a newspaper he sold on local train runs,
while using an empty car for his laboratory, as he continued
a freewheeling and independent education.

Scarlet fever at 14, and/or a cuff on the head from an irate
conductor when his experiments set fire to a rail car,
robbed Edison of most of his hearing, leaving him with only
about 20% in his right ear. Historians surmised that the
lack of noise or distractions actually helped Edison’s mind
to focus on his theories and premises as he ploughed his way
towards fame.

After spending his youth as a traveling telegrapher,
Edison’s first success as an inventor was a ‘repeating’
telegraph device. That spurred him to return to the east
coast and Boston, which was then the hub on intellectual
gatherings and research. He established his own testing and
research laboratory, where he proceeded to invent and patent
phonographs and light bulbs, among other things.

Fame swirled around him, but Edison seemed to set himself
apart from it. When asked once if he were afraid of anything
he replied ‘I am afraid of the dark.’ Thomas Edison died
Oct.18, 1931, with all the lights burning in his New Jersey



True Story 2.   

Just Call Me Spot


Dalmation puppies do not have any spots on them when they
are born. They actually develop them as they get older.  

With the release of the Disney film ‘101 Dalmations’, the
spotted dog enjoyed a new surge in popularity. But the breed
itself is not new at all.

Its actual origins are somewhat murky, with some claims
placing the first Dalmations in Yugoslavia. However, there
is no historical evidence of their existence there, prior to
the 18th century when they arrived courtesy of visiting
Englishmen. In fact, there is evidence of similarly
patterned and colored dogs in ancient Egypt and Rome,
although again, there is no proof of relation to the modern
spotted wonder dog.

One of the most notable historical records is a painting by
Italian artist Andrea Bonaiuti in the mid 14th century. This
depicts a group of dogs very much like today‘s Dalmations,
clustered next to several monks. Hence, the general feeling
that the dog emerged from the Venetian region, as evidenced
by its name, which is taken from Dalmatia, a region of the
Venetian Republic.

Although part of the non-sporting group in the dog show
world, Dalmations were originally working dogs, although
when exported to England in the 1700s, they became better
known as coach dogs, used for guard duty because they got
along well with horses. This other species congeniality also
made them excellent companions for fire engines, hence their
fame as the fireman’s dog.

The black and white coat, identifiable even by children, is
specific to the Dalmation dog, but only as they grow.
Because puppies are born pure white, with the spots coming
in at about three weeks.





Dead Budgie ‘Arises’ from the Dead


This story goes back to the time when gas appliances in England were being converted from methane to natural gas.  A friend of Trevor’s called Barney had a good job as a fitter of these replacement gas appliances.  It was a lovely job because they were paid on piece rate.  The more houses they could convert, the more they earned.  Barney got faster and faster at his job.  He was expert at unscrewing the old oven and boiler parts, then whipping in the new fittings.  He was so good that he could even convert the appliances without turning off the gas at the mains.  Now to pull off this trick Barney trained his breathing along the lines of those boys who dive for oysters.  He would take a huge lungful of air, take off with the old fitting – O.K. so gas escapes, but he soon whacked in the new shiny new joint, and then gasped another breath from an open window.  There was one other proviso for this risky shortcut, the owner had to be out.

One day he knocked on the door, explained to the lady that he had come from the gas board about their north sea conversion.  The owner was delighted that she was finally going to move from the smelly old gas to the new natural gas.  She told Barney that she just had to pop to the shops and as her husband was working in the garden, Barney could go ahead with his fitting.  Great thought Barney, this will be a quick job, no need to turn off the gas at the mains.  The boiler was no trouble, but one of the jets in the oven was rusty and crusted.  Even though the gas was escaping, Barney sprayed a can of WD-40 on the obstinate fitting and eventually it unscrewed and he whisked on the replacement part.

As Barney came up for air, to his horror, he spotted that the budgie in the kitchen was lying on its back at the bottom of his cage.  It was not looking good, and to add to his trouble he could see the lady opening the gate at the bottom of the garden.  What to do?  Being resourceful, Barney cut a length of fuse wire and rapped it around the dead budgie’s legs and tethered him to his perch.  As a nice touch he even set the perch rocking, and then turned and met the lady in the door way.  ‘All done’ Barney said as he sauntered down the path to the gate.

‘My goodness’ said the lady, ‘my budgie’.  Barney picked up the lady’s bad vibes and his chances of legging it were not improved by the sudden appearance of the woman’s husband blocking his exit.   ‘Come back here’ she said, and as his escape was cut off by the husband, he had no option but to turn and face the music.
‘It’s a miracle’, the lady said, ‘when I left this morning, my budgie was dead, now he’s jumped up on his perch and is swinging away happy as you please’.


The deaf Bookeeper.


A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of
> > $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got
> > the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper
> > would not h ear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
> >
> > When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing
> > $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
> >
> > The Godfather tells the lawyer ‘Ask him where the $10 million bucks he
> > embezzled from me is.’
> >
> > The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money
> > is. The bookkeeper signs back: ‘I don’t know what you are talking
> > about.’
> >
> > The attorney tells the Godfather: ‘He says he doesn’t know what you’re
> > talking about.’
> >
> > The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper’s’ temple
> > and says, ‘Ask him again!’
> >
> > The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: ‘He’ll kill you if you don’t tell
> > him!’
> >
> > The bookkeeper signs back: ‘OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown
> > briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in
> > Queens !’
> >
> > The Godfather asks the attorney: ‘Well, what’d he say?’
> >
> > The attorney replies: ‘He says you don’t have the guts to pull the
> > trigger.’
> >
> > Don’t you just love lawyers
> >
Thanks to Martin Mueller via Leo Kennedy for that one.