THE SASH Friday January 15th 2010
The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.
Sympathy
Sarsfields GAA Club send condolences to the family of Bernadette Behan who sadly passed away recently.Bernadette was the mother of Monica Behan and mother in law of Shane Scanlon.
The Underage Disco has been cancelled this Friday Night 15th January, It will recommence at a later date.
Managers Required
Applications for Manager of Junior B and Junior C football teams are
now being sought. If Interested please contact Chairman Brendan Ryan 087
9345109 or Secretary John Holden 087 2872208
Club Membership
Club Membership for all sections is now due. Contact Registrar Kathleen
(Ollie) Ryan 086 6264115
The new membership rates are as follows:
Adult Member €60
Adult Player €120 (includes €60 player contribution)
Student Player €90 (includes €60 player contribution)
Unemployed Player €70 (includes €60 player contribution)
Retired Member €10
Juvenile Member (Kindergarten to Under 9) €30
Juvenile Member ( Under 10 to Under 18) €60 (includes €30 player
contribution)
Family Membership €70 + players levies
Camogie Manager Required
Sarsfields Camogie
We are looking for a new manager for 2010. If anyone is interested could
they please let me know on 087 2963212.
We will be having our AGM at the end of January.
I would also like to take this opportunity to say a big thank you to our
manager for the last couple of years Joe Murray who will not be taking
the position next year.His commitment and dedication could not be
faulted and was much appreciated. Also thank you to Lynda McNamee and
Dan Whelan who thankfully will still be involved next year.
Kind Regards,
Paula Earley
087 2963212.
Sign up to the Vodafone Support Your GAA Club programme to donate 5% of
your Pay Monthly bill or Top Up to Sarsfields – without it costing you a
single cent! Contact Shane Campbell or visit the Vodafone web site.
More Stupid Quotes.
‘Bruce Sutter has been around for awhile and he’s pretty old.
He’s thirty-five years old. That will give you some idea of how
old he is.’
– Ron Fairley, Giants’ broadcaster
‘I’ve been on food stamps and welfare, did anybody help me out?
No. No.’
– Craig T. Nelson on lack of fiscal responsibility
‘Exercise freaks are the ones putting stress on the health care
system.’
– Rush Limbaugh, Us Radio presenter
‘For NASA, space is still a high priority.’
– Dan Quayle
‘Everyone is at peace and happy and they all hop around from
cloud to cloud. And an old man with a long, white beard wanders
around – that’s God.’
– Britney Spears, on her view of heaven
Strange/Bizarre/Quirkie News.
911 Abuse
KERRVILLE, Texas – Prosecutors will review the case of a woman
authorities claim has called 911 30 times over six months for
non-emergency reasons, including a call to complain that her
husband refused to eat his dinner. Last Friday, the woman
allegedly made a pair of calls to 911, including a hang-up and
another where a woman was heard screaming.
Police were dispatched to the residence and officer Paul
Gonzales said police were told by her that ‘her husband did not
want to eat his supper.’ A police report said the 53-year-old
woman was also yelling ‘about things that happened two weeks
ago.’
The woman now faces charges of 911 abuse.
Man with Knife stuck in chest orders a cup of coffee
WARREN, Michigan. – A man who walked into a Michigan diner with a 5-
inch knife stuck in his chest ordered a coffee and complained
only about the cold weather.
The 52-year-old man, who has not been identified, called a 911
operator in Warren on Sunday night to ask that an ambulance be
sent to Bray’s, an eatery in neighbouring Hazel Park.
He said he had been stabbed during an attempted robbery half a
mile away, then walked to the restaurant and called 911 from a
pay phone.
On a recording of the call, the man gives a vague description of
his attacker before saying, ‘I’m gonna sit down at Bray’s ’cause
they got a chair and it’s cold out here.’
Restaurant employee George Mirdita tells The Detroit News the
man calmly ordered coffee.
Police said Tuesday that the man is recovering.
True Story
Drinking To The Departed, Departures from the Irish wake.
The Uape Indians, who live in the Amazon, mix the ashes of their
recently cremated relatives with alcohol, then all members of
the family drink the mix with fond memories of the deceased.
A lot of interesting customs exist around the world, having to
do with potable beverages that are used in honouring the dearly
departed. In Ancient Egypt, vessels of wine were placed in
pyramid tombs along with food, so the spirit of the dead
wouldn’t feel peckish or thirsty on their trip to the
underworld. Many cultures host some variety of the Irish ‘wake’,
in which food and drink are consumed, hopefully with fond
memories and good wishes to speed the newly dead on their way to
…wherever.
That’s a far cry from actually consuming the dead. Because
that’s exactly what the Uape Indians of the Upper Amazon do.
When someone dies, they are cremated with whatever burnable
material is at hand. Meanwhile, someone has brewed a batch of
cassiri, the local drink. The beer, made from fermentation of
the cassava root, has a deadly kick of its own, unless cured or
cooked in some way. The raw cassava contains cyanogenic
glucosides, and if not fermented thoroughly, imbibers will be
next in line for roasting and toasting.
Once the deceased’s body has been completely consumed by fire,
the ashes are then mixed with cassiri, and the resulting drink
is passed around amongst their immediate family and other kin,
to be enjoyed along with tales of the departed’s life and
accomplishments.
No anthropological researchers who come across gems like this,
has ever commented on whether the process affects the taste or
potency of the beer.
True Story 2
The Irish Have A Beef With Being Corny
Corned beef got its name because this beef was preserved with
pellets of salt that were the size of corn kernels, which was
also referred to as ‘corns’ of salt.
Almost anyone you ask who knows about this kind of thing, will
tell you that Corned Beef is an Irish dish. But ask them how
they know. Because nobody ever told the Irish!
The traditional interpretation is that corned beef was a special
dish reserved for Easter, or St. Patrick’s Day. And while
special meals were no doubt cooked at that time, Irish
historians say if there was meat to be had, it was far more
likely to be a piece of salted bacon. This is particularly true
in the 1800s when most Irish families had very little meat in
their diets, and when they did, it was more often mutton than
beef.
The association of Irish and meals of corned beef and cabbage
appears to be an American invention of Irish immigrants, but
there are several reasons cited. One, is that poor Irish
immigrants living in ethnic neighborhoods, learned to substitute
corned beef for a side of salted bacon, a tip given to them by
their Jewish friends. But how did the corned beef get to America
in the first place?
For that, we go back to Anglo-Saxon times, when meat for the
winter was preserved by packing it in barrels with ‘corns’ of
salt. The salt, in pellet form, was roughly the size of a corn
kernel, hence the name ‘corned’.
A more likely explanation for the Irish love of corned beef, is
that it was a staple of the American military diet for both
sides, during the Civil War. Irish having fought on both sides,
may have taken a taste for the inexpensive dish, and it became a
diet staple in the years afterwards.
True Story 3
Sharks Taketh, And Sharks Giveth Back
Shark cartilage has been used to make artificial skin for human
burn victims.
While it could be used to treat shark bites, the relatively new
artificial ‘skark skin’, is meant primarily to deal with the
devastating loss of skin suffered by burn victims. These are
individuals who are so badly injured, that they are either too
sick to withstand surgeries, or they do not have enough usable
skin left, for auto grafts.
The treatment of choice at one time, as unbelievable as it
sounds, was a temporary skin made from the cells of neonatal
foreskin. It was an attempt to mimic nature that worked, but not
as well as researchers felt it should. Their frustration stemmed
from the fact that even those burn victims who had some usable
skin, often needed repeat grafts, and where the ‘slices’ of skin
had to be cut larger than the area treated because it would
shrink when sewn in place, there was never enough to go around.
Enter the sharks. And the cows. In the new artificial product,
known popularly as shark skin, scientists have combined the same
beneficial elements of shark cartilage that promote the healing
of damaged joints, with the elasticity of collagen from the
tendons of cows.
On top of the shark skin, is a second layer of silicone. When
laid over a clean burn or hole in a person’s body (one where
dead tissue has been cleared away), the top silicon layer will
seal the hole preventing airborne bacteria from entering the
wound. In the meantime, nature is allowed to take its course,
rebuilding the cells and tissue of skin, while the inner layer
of shark skin slowly dissolves. In 14-21 days, the shark skin is
removed, and an auto graft is performed.
Something to Ponder
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why don’t we ever see this headline:
‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a ‘Broker’?
Why isn’t there mouse flavoured cat food?
Who tastes dog food when it has a ‘new & improved’ flavour?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why do they call the airport ‘the terminal’ if flying is so safe?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called ‘Poles’, why aren’t people from Holland called ‘Holes?’
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack, anyway?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Colemanballs (Named after gaffes by former BBC broadcaster David Coleman)
‘Peru score their third, and it’s 3-1 to Scotland.’ David Coleman, BBC, 1978 World Cup finals.
‘And in the other group match, Uruguay and Spain drew love-all’ – Female announcer.
‘Apart from their goals, Norway haven’t scored’ – Terry Venables
‘He dribbles a lot and the opposition don’t like it – you can see it all over their faces’ – Ron Atkinson
‘Batistuta gets most of his goals with the ball’ – Ian St John
When Ian Rush transferred from Chester to Liverpool he said, ‘It was like moving to a foreign country’. People only took notice of Ian’s views when he said a similar thing after he moved from Liverpool to Juventus. ‘I could not settle, it was like being in a foreign country’.
‘If I walked on water, my accusers would say it is because I can’t swim’ – Berti Vogts, Germany coach.
‘I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body’ (Winston Bennett)
‘Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds – totally against the run of play’ (Peter Lorenzo)
Exam Bonus Question:
The following is an actual question given as part of a university chemistry exam. The answer given by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with us.
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
In answer, one student wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you’. Then we take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, therefore number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore, extinct. Logically, this leaves only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting, ‘Oh my God!’
This student received the only ‘A’ for this question.
How Logical is the English Language?
The market garden was designed to produce produce.
The city tip was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
In the boat, a row erupted amongst the oarsmen about how to row.
The nurse wound the crepe bandage around the wound.
Dessie decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Chloe was too close to the door to close it.
When Ted saw the tear in the painting he shed a tear.
How can I intimate my thoughts to my most intimate friend?
Sherrie shed her shoes in the shed.
In terms of weight lead is in the lead.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
When the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
Why do our noses run but our feet smell?
I did not object to the object.
Freddie filled in his form by filling it out.
Why do performers recite a play, yet play at a recital?
Humour.
Flying Blind
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation
frequencies. This was his first time approaching a runway at
night…
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said:
‘Guess who?’
The controller switched the runway lights off and replied:
‘Guess where!’
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Cancelled Trip |
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A man’s business trip is cancelled and he is at home with a rather nervous wife. They go to bed, but about midnight, the phone rings. |
Small World
Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon.
They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men’s game.
‘Don’t they know their supposed to let us play through?!’ asked the first man.
The other man shook his head. ‘I’m going to go ask them if we can play through,’ said the first man, emphatically, ‘Enough is enough!’
He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.
‘Oh God,’ he said to his friend, ‘This is awful. You’re going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress!’
The other man shrugged, and said ‘No sweat.’
He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said – ‘Small world isn’t it!’
Strange Diver
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.
The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, ‘How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?’
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, ‘I’m drowning, you moron! Now will you help me’
