Sarsfields Newsletter

November 8, 2018

THE SASH Tuesday September 15th  2009


The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.   


Sarsfields V Suncroft.


The seniors will now meet Suncroft in the Wyeth SFC Quarter Final on Sunday next September 20th at 11am in St. Conleth’s Park, the Co.  Board fixtures committee announced this morning following the unacceptable, from Sarsfields point of view, original scheduling of the tie by the County Board for Moorefield at 8pm on Sunday night.


Senior B team play semi final Monday evening in Allenwood V Clane at 7pm please come out and support the lads.


Well done to the Junior hurlers on reaching the semi-final after their 8 point win over Maynooth on Saturday afternoon.


Hard luck to the 2 under 16 teams who where knocked out of the Championship on Saturday, Thanks to everybody involved with both teams.


Sarsfields Fixtures

September 14th  September 22nd 


Ladies Football Fixtures

Friday 18th of September  

Junior Ladies Championship @ 7.30pm

Athy V Sarsfields

Wednesday 16th of September

Under 13 League Division 1 @ 6.30pm

Sarsfields V Edestown Sarsfields Main Pitch

Under 13 League Division 2 @ 6.30pm

Sarsfields 2 V Leixlip 3rd Pitch

Saturday 19th of September

Under 11 League @ 11am

Edenderry V Sarsfields

Under 15 League @ 3pm

Cappagh V Sarsfields



 Sunday 20th of September

Senior Football Championship ¼ finals @ 11am

Sarsfields V Suncroft St Conleths Park

Monday 21st of September

Snr Reserve A Football Championship Semi finals @ 7pm

Sarsfields V Clane Allenwood


Snr Reserve C Football Championship Semi finals

Date to be Confirmed

Sarsfields V Straffen


 Bord Na nOg

Sunday 20th of September

Under 13 League Division 1 @ 11am

Sarsfields V Clane Pitch 3

   North Board Autumn Leagues

 Saturday 19th of September

Under 9 Football Group 2

Sarsfields 1 V Cappagh @ 1.30pm Pitch 2

Under 9 Football Group 5

Caragh V Sarsfields @ 1.30pm

Under 8 Football Group 4

Sarsfields V St Edwards @ 10.30am Pitch 2

Under 11 Football Division 2

Sarsfields V Sallins 3pm Pitch 2

 Sunday 20th of September

Under 9 Hurling Group 5

Sarsfields V Ardclough @ 10.30am Pitch 2

Under 11 Hurling Division 3

Kill V Sarsfields noon  Pitch 2








Sarsfields Fundraising Night at the Dogs.



Our Night at the Dogs takes place on Saturday 3rd October . Admission tickets can be purchased from the club or through team mentors at € 10.This includes entry to a draw for six excellent prizes. The purchase a dog in a race will cost €30 with admission free plus entry into an additional draw for two quality hamper.The draws based on the admission tickets will be held back at the clubhouse after the races have finished . Live music and food will be provided free. We are looking for sponsors for races and programme adds.  Race sponsorship costs € 500 and includes an add in our race programme . Adds can be purchased as follows : Full Page  € 200: Half page € 100: Quarter page € 60. .Anyone interested in sponsoring an add or a race or who can organise a sponsor. Please contact : Kevin Mc Nulty at  087 2190876 or Elaine Dillon at 045 435282. Any support you can give to this fundraiser will be much appreciated.






Sarsfields Results.



More Stupid Quotes. 


‘I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even
though I wasn’t here.’

– George W Bush 


‘Do you still throw spears at each other?’
– Duke of Edinburgh Prince Phillip, to Australian Aborigines


‘Isn’t it weird that I’m getting all emotionable?’
– Jessica Simpson.



‘If I die before my cat, I want a little of my ashes put in his
food so I can live inside him.’
– Drew Barrymore

 “I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears”.


“Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?”

Customer: “Wow. How can you see my screen from there?”

Customers to tech support. 


‘I’m shooting a commercial for safe sex. How ironic, because I
don’t have that.’
 – Tila Tequila, in a video for


‘Eskimos are uncivilized because they don’t have any shops.’
– Jodie Marsh in a recent interview

Strange/Bizarre/Quirkie News.  




LA CROSSE, Wisconsin USA – Chuck Berendes of La Crosse said he will never
forget the birthday of this third child, born Wednesday on the
ninth day of the nine month in the year 2009. Nor will Berendes
and his wife, Polly, forget Henry Michael’s arrival time, at
9:09 a.m. by Cesarean section at Franciscan Skemp Medical Center
in La Crosse.

But they got the biggest laugh when the newborn was placed on
the delivery room scale following his birth. Berendes said it
was metric scale so the doctor did the math in his head, but to
make sure, he had the nurse also do the conversion. Berendes
said they broke into laughter when the nurse told them Henry
weighed 9 pounds, 9 ounces.




Robbery Date.

Ohio police said a suspect in a robbery was
arrested when he returned to the home about two hours later to
ask the victim out on a date. Police say 20-year-old Stephfon
Bennett of Columbus was among three men who robbed a couple late

Columbus police Sgt. Sean Laird said the woman recognized
Bennett as one of the robbers when he returned to ask her out.
She had a relative call 911.

Police said Bennett was arrested in front of the home. He was
arraigned Tuesday on a charge of aggravated robbery and was
being held in the Franklin County jail on $100,000 bail.


Not Drunk – Just Plain Dumb

A robber wielding an ornamental sword returned to the service station he had apparently just held up when he realised he had left his swag behind, police told . The 20-year-old man approached an attendant at a service station in South Perth, Australia at about 1.30am and allegedly demanded money and cigarettes. The attendant took money from the till and packets of cigarettes and placed them in a bag.  

The offender fled on foot across the Canning highway before realising he had left the bag in the service station. Police report he returned to find the door locked and begged the attendant to let him back in for his booty. The attendant refused so the offender fled again.  

Police caught up with him several streets away, supposedly still wielding his sword. It is thought that the same man held up the service station on August 17, commented police.  
He was charged with two counts of armed robbery and will appear in Perth Magistrates Court soon

Sporting Quirkies


Schoolgirl Sets Record

A schoolgirl goalkeeper is set for the record books after scoring twice in a single match from her own penalty box.

Emily Dickson, 14, stunned her team-mates and the opposition with two huge drop kicks down the full-sized pitch.

With both attempts, the ball bounced over the opposing keeper and into the net during the under-15s match, reports the Daily Telegraph.

Emily, from Broxbourne, Herts, is now awaiting confirmation from FA officials, who believe her effort is a record.

The Hoddesdon Owls Girls player said: ‘I’d never scored a goal from my goal before. So it was totally brilliant to get two in one match.’

By scoring two goals, Emily, a pupil at Broxbourne School, helped her side to defeat the Stevenage Vixens 3-2.

The FA’s official historian David Barber believes that Emily, could be the first keeper in the country to have scored twice on a full-sized pitch in a competitive match.

Emily said: ‘I was in a really bad mood because I’d just let in a goal. I took the ball and smashed it as hard as I could when it came to me. It bounced over the keeper and went in. I couldn’t believe it.’

Her manager came onto the pitch afterwards and told her ‘double or quits’, priming her for a second attempt.

Emily said: ‘So when the ball came to me next, everyone shouted ‘shoot’, so I did and in it bounced.’







True Story: 


That’s Nun-Sense
Actress Sally Field was paid $4,000 a week for her role in the
TV show The Flying Nun. Centuries ago, after the death of Christ, widows, and women
purity were drawn to the God whose word Jesus had preached. But
who would have guessed that after almost two millennia, nuns
would earn a revered place in the entertainment industry, as
some of the most memorable figures in film, television, and
other media.

Arguably the most famous and beloved story featuring a nun, was
the 1945 classic, ‘The Bells of St. Mary’s’, starring Bing
Crosby as the casual and oh so annoying Father Chuck O’Malley to
Ingrid Bergman’s outstanding role as Sister Mary Benedict. Their
clash of wills and ways became a standard of fine acting,
garnering the film eight Oscar nominations.

The success of ‘Bells’ likely set off the fashion for cloistered
characters, as evidenced by such features riding on their
coattails as ‘The Nun’s Story’, starring Audrey Hepburn as
Sister Luke, who dedication was constantly being tested, either
by a handsome doctor, or the privations of WWII. The cast also
included ‘budding’ stars Peter Finch, Colleen Dewhurst, Edith
Evans and Peggy Ashcroft.

Then in the 1960s, nuns came to television land in the form of
‘The Flying Nun’ starring a young Sally Field, as a nun with an
unusual talent. With the new era of ‘home’ entertainment came
bigtime money. Field made $4,000 a week.



True Story 2. 


S.O.S….Looking for S.E.X.

The lifespan of a firefly is about seven days. During these
days, they are busy trying to find a mate.

They are bioluminescent insects, but we know them better as
lightning bugs, or fireflies. They are one of the joys of
childhood, when you chase them over a dewy lawn at night, and
trap them in a jar, to light up your bedroom. But why don’t we
see them in the daytime?

To understand that, it helps to first understand how an insect
can produce light. This photic quality is the result of a
combination of chemicals produced by the insect: luciferin
(substrate) plus luciferase (an enzyme) and adenosine
triphosphate, results in light flashes when oxygen is added. But
this chemical production does not take place in the daytime.

The firefly’s flashing occurs in direct proportion to the amount
of ambient light in the environment. They are seen more easily
if outdoor lighting is turned off, and are less evident on
nights when the moon is full, and the sky clear.

Their lifespan is a mere six days or so, during which, they
spend most of the time seeking mates. Males, who have specific
flash patterns, take flight at night and cruise in towards the
ground where females are often waiting for romance to call. If
they are attracted to the male’s photic qualities, she will send
back light signals of her own, and the male will reply, then
land to check out his chances of getting lucky.



True Story 3


Fines For Fast Finns

A 27 year old heir to a sausage empire was handed a ticket for
116,000 pounds for driving at 80 km/hr in a 40 km/hr zone. This
is because the speeding tickets in Finland are based on how much
money a person makes.  

You got to hand it to the Finns when it comes to giving speeders
what they deserve, by fining them according to what they earn,
and not just how fast they were going

Anssi Vanjoki, a director of the Finnish telecommunications
giant, Nokia, was caught on his Harley motorcycle, doing 47mph
in a 31mph zone. His fine was calculated at 14 days of his
average income in 1999, which worked out to 116,000 Euros
($148,573US today), the record fine at that time. But wait!

You know how the technology market is up and down. Well, Vanjoki
petitioned the court for a reduction in the fine, because his
1999 earnings were based on large share options that he had
cashed in at the end of the year. A subsequent drop in the
market, meant a big dip in his income the next year. He ended up
paying only 5% of the original fine.

Vanjoki’s case apparently didn’t serve as a warning to others,
because in February of 2004, another fast Finn felt the fickle
finger of fine fate. Jussi Salonoja, the 27-year old heir to his
family’s sausage business, was also nabbed for doing 80kph in a
40kph zone.

The fine? A new record- 170,000 Euros, or $217,736 in today‘s US
dollars. The amount was based on tax records that showed his
earnings in 2002, amounted to $13,243,279.








Charity begins at home?

A large, well built man visited the vicarage and asked to see the vicar’s wife, who was well known for her charity.

As he spoke to her he said in a voice breaking with emotion, ‘I’d like to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone pays their �400 rent arrears.’

‘How frightful!’ exclaimed the vicar’s wife. ‘May I ask who you are?’

The enormous visitor wiped his eyes with his handkerchief and wailed, ‘I’m their landlord.’ 



Home Visit


A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no
answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he
took out a card and wrote ‘Revelation 3:20’ on the back of it
and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found
that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic
message, Genesis 3:10.’

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation
, he broke up in
gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins ‘Behold, I stand at the door and knock.’
Genesis 3:10 reads, ‘I heard your voice in the garden and I was
afraid, for I was naked.’





Cat Food


A cat died and went to heaven. When he arrived at the gate, an
angel asked:

‘Welcome to heaven. What can I get for you to make you happy

The cat replied:

‘Oh, I sure would love a nice, soft pillow!’ And so, the angel
gave him the pillow and called for the next person in line.

The next day, some mice were in line at the gate. The angel
asked them the same question.

The mice replied:

‘Ooh! Can we have some skateboards?!’ And the angel gave them
the skate boards.

A few hours later, God was strolling through his kingdom and
came across the cat on his pillow.

‘Good cat! How do you like heaven and your pillow?’

The cat smiled and replied:

‘This place is great! The streets are gold, this is the softest
pillow in the world! Thank you, God!’

God smiled and said:

‘So you’re really liking it?’

The cat said:

‘Oh, I love it! And by the way, thanks for the meals on wheels
you sent by earlier!





Hapless Father


There were three American fathers to be in a hospital waiting room,
waiting for their babies to be born.

The first nurse comes out and tells the first father,
‘Congratulations you’re the father of twins!’ He says, ‘Great! I
am the manager for the Minnesota Twins.’

The second nurse comes out and tells the second father,
‘Congratulations you’re the father of triplets’! He says,
‘That’s cool! I work for 3M.’

The third father opens the window and jumps out.

The third nurse comes out, and asks, ‘Where’s the third father?’

One of the other fathers said, ‘Oh he jumped out the window.’

The nurse asks, ‘Why?’

He replied, ‘He works for Seven Up!’  




Time to Stop

A traffic cop pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway. Glancing into the car, he was astounded to see that the young lady, who was driving, was knitting.
Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the policeman wound down his window, turned on his loudspeaker and yelled, ‘PULL OVER! ‘

‘NO, ‘the young lady yelled back, ‘IT’S A SCARF! ‘



Lost but not Found

One March evening, the boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialled the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.


‘Is your daddy home?’ he asked.

‘Yes, ‘whispered the small voice.

‘May I talk with him?’

The child whispered, ‘No.’

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, ‘Is your Mommy there?’


‘May I talk with her?’

Again the small voice whispered, ‘No.’

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, ‘Is anybody else there?’

‘Yes, ‘whispered the child, ‘a policeman.’

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, ‘May I speak with the policeman?’

‘No, he’s busy’, whispered the child.

‘Busy doing what?’

‘Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman, ‘came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a Helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, ‘What is that noise?’

‘A hello-copper’answered the whispering voice.

‘What is going on there?’ asked the boss, now truly alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, ‘The search team just landed the hello-copper.’

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, ‘What are they searching for?’

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: ‘ME.’

&a, mp;nb, sp;

Blonde sees Red

There was a blonde that lived in a small house on the corner of
4th Avenue.

She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept gardening
tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof
of the shed.

In a panic she called 911. They answered and said ‘This is Joe,
is there an emergency?’

The blonde replied ‘Yes my shed is on fire!!!’ Joe said, ‘Don’t
panic help in on the way…where do you live?’ The blonde said, ‘IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!!’

Joe calmly responded back, ‘How are we supposed to get there?’

The blonde answered back, ‘DUH!!! A BIG RED TRUCK!’ 



Drink Driving.

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.  On your left hand side there is a valley and on your right hand side there is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.  

In front of you there is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.  

Behind you there is a helicopter flying at ground level.  
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?  

Get off the merry-go-round – you’re drunk!