Sarsfields Newsletter

November 8, 2018

THE SASH Thursday July 30th  2009


The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.    


Leinster GAA News
As part of the ongoing 125 year celebrations, the GAA Museum is hosting a special All-Ireland quiz in search of Ireland’s biggest GAA ‘brainiac’. Entry is open to GAA enthusiasts nationwide who can hold their own in a battle of keenness, passion, and recollection for Gaelic sport. Jimmy Magee will act as quizmaster for the quiz which will run over two nights starting with a qualifying round on Friday August 28 in the GAA Museum auditorium. Those who survive the qualifier night will enter into a ‘head to head’ battle in the All-Ireland GAA Quiz grand final which will take place on Friday September 18. The champion will get a trophy, tickets to the GAA Football All-Ireland Senior Championship final with dinner and a night in the four star Croke Park Hotel. The reigning champion will also make a guest appearance on GAA on RTÉ’s Sunday Game on the day of the GAA Football All-Ireland Senior Championship Final. All proceeds will go to the GAA designated charity CARI. Participation in the qualifying round is €20 per person.

Sarsfields Fixtures for the coming Week.


The County senior Championship begins on the weekend of  14/15/16 August. Sarsfields will play Confey in Round 1 on Saturday August 15th at 3pm in St Conleth’s Park . The minors will play Round Towers in the championship in Moorefield on Wednesday next August 12th in Moorefield at 7pm


Would all managers please text or email results of their matches to the club PRO Tony Ryan Ph. 087-2767338. We have to contact the County Board with our match results so it is important that all managers send us the results of your match, you can also send your results to this email address


New Sash Magazine/Newsletter.


 A New Sash hardcopy magazine/ Newsletter will be published end of August/ beginning September and thereafter every 3 months. Contributors required. Please send articles anecdotes etc to


More Stupid Quotes.  


‘A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.’ George W Bush former  President USA

‘Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?’ George W Bush [President USA]

‘Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.’ HL Mencken [Journalist and satirist]

‘In democracy everyone has the right to be represented, even the jerks.’ Chris Patten [Former UK MP and Governor of Hong-Kong]

‘Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the National Debt.’ Herbert Hoover [President USA 1929-1933]

‘You’ll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.’ Robin Williams [Comedian and actor]

‘Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.’  Marion Barry [Mayor Washington, DC]


‘Look, John’s last-minute economic plan does nothing to tackle
the number one job facing the middle class, and it happens to
be, as Barack says, a three-letter word: jobs. J-O-B-S.’
– Joe Biden, US Vice President

And a few Humorous quotes. . .

‘Americans have different ways of saying things. They say ‘elevator’, we say ‘lift’ … they say ‘President’, we say ‘stupid psychopathic git.’ Alexei Sayle [British comedian. actor and author]


‘I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.’
Will Rogers [Comedian, social commentator, vaudeville actor]

 ‘The House of Commons is the longest running farce in the West End.’
Cyril Smith [Former UK MP]


‘I triple guarantee you. There are no American infidels in
– Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf
(AKA ‘Baghdad Bob’)



Strange/Bizarre/Quirkie News.   


Caught Napping

Police in Australia arrested a car thief whom they
caught napping at the wheel of a stolen car. The 30-year-old man
drove the Audi convertible into an automatic car wash early
Monday and apparently fell asleep. A service station attendant
called the police at 3 a.m. when he noticed the car hadn’t moved
for an hour. They woke the man and arrested him on charges of
illegal use and theft of the car.


Do it yourself burial

A Dutch gravedigger had a lucky escape after he accidentally buried himself. The 62-year-old man, from Nieuwleusen, was digging a grave in Zwolle cemetery when it happened, reports Gazet van Antwerpen, Belgium. A trailer containing the earth he had removed tipped over and fell into the grave, knocking over the man and covering him completely. Luckily, a workmate was able to move the trailer and uncover the gravedigger’s face to let him breathe. He called the fire brigade who managed to free the man after an hour. He was unhurt apart from a bump on the head.


Left Luggage


A man who had just returned home from holiday had his luggage thrown away by dustmen. Phil Newbon from Spalding, Lincolnshire, England, left his luggage on the pavement as he returned home and when he glanced back he realised it was being crushed by grinders inside the back of their dustcart. His clothes, mobile phone, sat-nav, digital camera and gifts for family and friends were destroyed. Even his duty free was being crunched up.

Phil, who says the total value was £1,600, said, ‘I couldn’t believe my eyes. I only left my bags there while I chatted to a pal after getting a lift back from the airport. Then they were gone and everything was being smashed to pieces. I thought I was being set up for a TV stunt. The council told me people often leave suitcases out for collection and I’m sure that’s true. But I doubt they have 25kg of luggage inside, tags still attached and a bag of hand luggage and duty-free next to them.’
Phil is now trying to get compensation from South Holland council, Lincs, but says he has been told he will not get a penny in compensation.


True Story 


Bureaucracy Gone Mad.  Man fined by Council for Putting rubbish in a bin!


A man has been fined £50 for putting rubbish in a bin. Andy Tierney of Hinckley, Leicestershire, England was issued the fixed penalty notice for dumping two junk mail letters. Hinckley and Bosworth Council accused him of committing ‘an offence under Section 87 of the Environmental Protection Act 1990. Domestic refuse from your property was dumped into a street litter bin the fixed penalty is £50.’

The council classes letters as ‘domestic litter’, which should not be dropped in public street bins. According to BBC Radio news and The Sun, Andy said, ‘How on earth can they fine me for being tidy? It’s absolute madness. I could have easily chucked those letters on the ground, but I put them in the bin. What has happened is a joke. The council is barmy. I never thought you could be fined for putting rubbish in a bin – that’s what they’re there for.’

Andy was walking from his house to his car when his postman handed him the junk mail. He opened both letters as he strolled – then dumped them in the bin on a lamppost. Council officials traced him from the addresses on the envelopes and issued the penalty. The letter threatens Andy with further action and a conviction if he does not pay within 14 days. Andy insisted, ‘There’s absolutely no way I’m paying up. You get fined for chucking rubbish on the ground. You get fined for chucking rubbish in the bin. So what exactly are you supposed to do?’

A spokesman from the council said, ‘A fixed penalty notice is served to people who we believe have committed an offence. Our litter bins are there to keep streets tidy, as they enable the public to deposit small amounts of litter. They are not provided for household waste.’

It gets worse – the council routinely search rubbish. (Reported in the Times)
Today I can reveal the other side to the story, the council’s side. And the great thing is that it makes the council look even more fatuous than it did last Thursday when Tierney contacted his local newspaper to complain about the fine.

The council now alleges that Tierney did not deposit just two letters in the litter bin, but a whole sack of ‘domestic rubbish’. Tierney denies the imputation: “They’re just trying to save face. They’ve been made to look stupid, so they come up with this. Why didn’t they say that on Thursday?”

Quite; but more to the point, how did they know that this black bag full of ‘domestic rubbish’ had been deposited by Tierney  unless, that is, they pay someone to rifle through the garbage with the sole purpose of persecuting rubbish-placement transgressors? Well, of course, on cross-examination it transpires that this is exactly what they spend your council tax on. Rubbish placement transgressor inspectors.

”If we find a black bin bag in a litter bin, we will sift through the rubbish and attempt to identify who put it there,” a council employee told me, with great patience, as if this were a perfectly reasonable thing to do. “A refuse disposal man will identify a black bag and then report it to his supervisor and a decision will be made to examine the contents of the bag and, upon identifying the miscreant, issue a fixed penalty notice.” You couldn”t make this up and, luckily, I didn’t have to.

There are other eternally vigilant people employed by Hinckley and Bosworth borough council whose job it is to
persecute the residents who pay their wages. These are called neighbourhood wardens. “the eyes and ears of the local community”, according to the council spokeswoman.

It was one of these individuals who espied Tierney putting some litter in a bin and quickly filed a report. So they have people paid to walk the streets and make sure you don’t put letters in a litter bin and other people employed to sift through your rubbish and fine you if you do. Possibly people like you and I, possibly weird people whom you would not wish to sit next to at dinner.

The average council tax charge in Hinckley and Bosworth is £1,242.97 a year. Council tax charges have risen by about 100% nationally over the past decade. This is a small price for such extraordinary vigilance, such devotion to the cause. Quite what the cause is remains a mystery.


True Story 2  


Is That To ‘Dye’ For, or What?

Blood is such a good stain that Native Americans used it for

If there is a stereotypical image of Native Americans, it is as
they prepared for war, by painting their faces and bodies. But
in reality, the body decoration served many more purposes.

Face painting was quite common on a daily basis, depending on
the season or weather. Thick coats of bear grease served to
protect their skin against the cold, and with a red pigment
added, reduced the amount of wind and sunburn.

Where and how an Indian decorated their body, often had personal
meaning, whether it had to do with social order, marital status,
or being in a state of mourning. Even the color could have its
own significance.

What is perceived as ‘war paint’, more often than not were
sacred or ceremonial designs and patterns meant to bring good
luck and success, and did not symbolize their hate or anger.

Various natural colors of paint were achieved by using different
colored clays, wood ashes, crushed herbs or berries, and black
shale. One of the favored colors, red, was often drawn from the
‘blood root’, or Sanguinaria Canadensis. The root was harvested
and used as both an external and internal medicine for fevers
and rheumatism.




Sayings and Quotes

Never judge a book by its movie.
– JW Eagan

‘Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.’
– Cullen Hightower

‘A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.’
– George Bernard Shaw

‘If you haven’t found something strange during the day, it hasn’t been much of a day.’
– John A. Wheeler

She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
– Groucho Marx

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
– Rodney Dangerfield

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.
– Sue Murphy

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
– Doug Larson

I never know how much of what I say is true.
– Bette Midler

People often write me and ask how I keep my wood floors so clean when I live with a child and a dog, and my answer is that I use a technique called Suffering From a Mental Illness.
– Heather Armstrong

‘Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.’
– Ernest Benn

‘In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known.’
– Thomas Pickering

‘Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.’
– Andy Rooney

‘The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.’
– Alfred Hitchcock

‘It’s the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.’
– Tallulah Bankhead

‘Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.’
– HL Mencken

you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.’
– Joey Bishop

‘The government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.’
– Ronald Reagan

‘There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.’
– Will Rogers

‘I hate music, especially when it’s played.’
– Jimmy Durante

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
– Francois de La Rochefoucauld

‘I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.’
– Isaac Asimov

‘There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.’
– Salvador Dali

‘If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?’

‘The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side.’
– Hunter S. Thompson




Taking the Mick

Reaching the end of his job interview, the personal recruiter
asked the young engineer fresh out of college, ‘And, what
starting salary were you looking for?’ The engineer said, ‘In
the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits
package.’ The interviewer said, ‘Well, what would you say to a
package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical
and dental, company matching retirement funds to 50% of salary,
a company leased Corvette every two years, and the salary you
asked for?’ The engineer sat up straight and said, ‘Wow! Are you
kidding?’ And the interviewer replied, ‘Yeah…but you started

Holmes and Watson go Camping.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip to the lake district in England, set up their tent, and fall asleep after a meal and a few drams at the local hostelry. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you observe.’
Watson replies, ‘I see millions of stars.’

‘What does that tell you?’
Watson ponders for a minute. ‘Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.  Horologically speaking it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tommorrow
.  “Why? What conclusions do you my dear Holmes”? Watson replied feeling quite smug about his observations of the heavens.

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. ‘Watson, you unobservant idiot, it tells me that some f***er has stolen our tent.’

Tea and Crumpets

An unidentified English woman, according to the Sunday Express was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left some crumpets in the oven.

Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the crumpets when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn’t answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard.

A few moments later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, come to read the meter.

‘Oh,’ stammered the woman, ‘I was expecting the baker.’ The gas man blinked, excused himself and departed.  

Forgetful Passenger

A crowded flight is cancelled, and a frazzled agent must rebook
a long line of inconvenienced travelers by herself. Suddenly, an
angry passenger pushes to the front and demands to be on the
next flight, first class.

The agent replies, ‘I’m sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help
you, but I’ve got to help these people first.’

The passenger screams, ‘Do you have ANY idea who I am?’

The gate agent grabs her public address microphone, ‘May I have
your attention, please? We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT
KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please
come to gate 17.’