Sarsfields Newsletter

November 8, 2018

THE SASH Tuesday April 28th 2009


The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.


Sash Back on Track.

SFL Round Five: Sarsfields 3-13  Ellistown 0-10

By Tony Ryan

In the end it was something of a rout for Sarsfields with a 12 point winning margin in this Leinster Leader Cup 5th round tie played in Ellistown on Saturday night. However the Sash winning margin didn’t reflect the fact that there was little difference between the teams for three-quarters of the game as Ellistown kept pace with Sarsfields until Sean Cambell scored Sarsfields’ first point of the second half in the 17th minute to edge two ahead 1-7 to 0-8. After this score the dam broke and the Ellistown defence that hitherto had been unyielding was swept aside in a Sarsfields surge of scoring power that netted them a further 2-6 in the remaining 13 minutes during which they played some excellent football. There had however been some ominous signs for Ellistown before the deluge as Sarsfields breached their defence on a number of occasions but failed to score.

The game itself was tough and uncompromising at times between two very determined teams and while it might not have been pretty there was a flavour of championship fervour and intensity thrown in to the mix that kept the spectators entertained throughout.

Ellistown led  4-2 after 20 minutes thanks to their two outstanding forwards on display, Andy O’Neill (0-3) and Paddy McDermott (0-1) A minute later Sarsfields took the lead for the first time when converted back Robbie Confrey celebrated his 21st birthday in style with a goal from close range after corner back Steven Lawler dispossessed Andy O’ Neill and set up an attack from the half back line. The lead was short-lived though as Ellistown swarmed down the field from the kickout and Paddy McDermott with an excellent angled shot from 25metres regained parity for the home side.

After a great solo run from midfield Dermot Earley pointed the first of his personal tally of 3 points to restore Sarsfields lead but again it was short lived as Paddy McDermott punished Sarsfields for a foul on Andy O’Neill to level matters 1-3 to 0-6. As half time approached Dermot Earley again pointed Sarsfields ahead after a pass from Robbie Confrey who did well to hold off two defenders before releasing the ball to the unmarked Earley. Two further points, one from blood substitute Stewart McKenzie Smith and one Padraig Brennan in injury time left Sarsfields leading 1-6 to 0-6 at the break.

On the resumption Ellistown carried the game to Sarsfields and a point apiece from Andy O’Neill and Ken Johnston reduced the deficit to a single point 1-6 to 0-8 after eight minutes and the game was nicely poised. There was no score for the next nine minutes as the tempo of the game increased significantly as both team tried to assert their authority on the game though Sarsfields and Ellistown to a lesser extent failed to convert chances to scores.

Then in the space of 5 minutes from the 17th to the 22nd Sarsfields scored 1-3 to a solitary Paddy McDermott point for Ellistown to give them a clear 2-9 to 0-9 lead. The goal, the decisive turning point of the game and  Robbie Confrey’s second was  top class. He took on a defender and beat him and went on a 10 metre solo run before he unleashed a powerful shot from 20 metres that left Ellistown goalkeeper Alan Melia flailing at the air as the ball cannoned into top left hand corner of the net. Thereafter Sarsfields took control and with Ellistown resistance sporadic they could only manage a single foray into the Sarsfields defence that yielded Ellistown’s final point scored by Ellistown’s top forward Andy O’Neill. Sarsfields aerial bombardment of the Ellistown posts continued in momentum right until the end as successive points reigned down from Morgan O’Sullivan, Dermot Earley, Substitute Declan McKenna, Padraig Brennan and an Alan Smith goal ensured that there was no way back for Ellistown and hardly any respite for the men in the white coats. Best for Ellistown were Andy O’Neill, Paddy McDermott, Ken Johnston, Mick Kelly, Michael Donnelly and Enda Noons. For Sarsfields it was a great all round team performance particularly in the second half as the players worked tirelessly for each other. Hugh Kenny and his management team will be happy that all six forwards and two substitute forwards scored and the fact that when the pressure was on the team responded positively.         



Ellistown: Alan Melia, Mick Kelly , Ken Delaney, Owen Hipwell, Colm Conroy, Ciaran Kelly, Michael Donnolly, Enda Noons, John O’Loughlin, Gary Kinahan, Ken Johnston (0-1) Andrew Dempsey, Andy O’Neill (0-6) Phillip Hennessey Paddy McDermott (0-3)


Sarsfields: John Melia, Steven Ussher, Joe O’Malley, Steven Lawler, Keith Harvey, Murt Dunne, Conor Duffy, Dermot Earley,(0-3) Alan Barry, Morgan O’Sullivan (0-1) Alan Smith(1-0) Robbie Confrey (2-0) Padraig Brennan(0-5) David Earley (0-1) Sean Cambell (0-1) Subs: Stewart McKenzie Smith for Alan Barry, (blood sub 27mins) Alan Barry for Stewart McKenzie Smith (ht) Stewart McKenzie Smith (0-1) for Alan Barry (33mins inj) Paddy Cambell and Declan McKenna (0-1) for David Earley and Robbie Confrey (57mins) Keith Browne for Steven Ussher and Caoimhin McDonnell for Dermot Earley (58 mins)




Senior Football League Table.

After  the win over Ellistown on Saturday Sarsfields lie in Joint 10th place with Monasterevin and St Kevin’s. Next League game is against Round Towers away on Tuesday next May 5th at 7pm and not at home as stated in the Sarsfields notes for tomorrow’s papers. 



















St Laurence’s














R Towers
























































St. Kevin’s



































Sarsfields Fixtures for the coming Week.


Thursday 30th of April

Ballyteague Tournament  Final at 7pm

Sarsfields V Moorefield


Tuesday 5th of May

Senior League Division 1 at 7pm

Round Towers V Sarsfields Fergal Barry

Ladies Senior Football

Tuesday 28th April at 7pm
Grange V Sarsfields

Underage Football Fixtures North Board
Wednesday 29th of April
Under 11 Division 1
Celbridge V Sarsfields

Friday May 1st
Under 10 Division 3 Hurling 7pm
Sarsfields V Kilcock Pitch 3
Saturday May 2nd
Under 10 Division 1 at 3pm
Carbury V Sarsfields 1
Under 10 Division 3 at 3pm

Naas 3 V Sarsfields 2
Under 12 North Board Cup at 4.30pm
Celbridge 1 V Sarsfields
Under 16 Ladies football
Thursday 30th of April at 7pm
Sarsfields V Clane Main Pitch


Sarsfields Feile Fundraiser.


Sarsfields is hosting a special Championship Preview Night on Friday, May 8, at 9pm. As the event is being organised to raise funds for the club’s four teams in National Feile, we are appealing to members to come out in support.
On what is planned to be a night of ‘craic agus caint’, an array of well-known GAA pundits and personalities will give their views on how they expect Kildare to fare this summer, and how the championship will take shape. Among those who will be answering questions at the top table are: Irish Independent GAA editor MARTIN BREHENY; Renowned newspaper and television pundit EUGENE McGEE; Former Kildare manager JOHN CROFTON; Roscommon legend and former Kildare manager DERMOT EARLEY; Leinster Leader sports editor TOMMY CALLAGHAN; Wicklow Allstar and selector KEVIN O’BRIEN; Host for the evening is KILLIAN WHELAN of KFM
Admission by ticket only (€20 per ticket) and refreshments will be served on the night.  
Remember tickets are limited, so should be ordered well in advance. They are available from Sarsfields club, or contact Shane Scanlon 087-2238652.


Leinster GAA News
My mid-season Gaelic football rankings


By Ed Donnolly

 It’s time for a bit of a mid-season appraisal of the football scene
following the conclusion of the National League. Here are my top ten
teams heading into the 2009 Championship:

1. Tyrone

We haven’t learned much – if anything – about the Red Hands over the
last few months. But, based on their All-Ireland win last year, they
remain in the top spot.

There can’t be much room left on the treatment table up in Healy Park
such is the spate of injuries Mickey Harte has had to deal with over the
winter. Brian Dooher, Brian McGuigan, Justin McMahon and Stephen O’Neill
have all missed most – or all – of the league and they still managed to
amass seven points without ever extending themselves.

They went from majestic under the lights in Croke Park against the Dubs,
to truly awful in the mud against Galway five weeks later. We won’t read
much into their schizophrenic campaign, other than to note that they
performed against Derry when they really needed to.  

They probably took a while to shake the All-Ireland celebrations out of
their limbs, but they should be far better prepared and equipped to deal
with Armagh on May 31.    

2. Kerry

Kerry’s strength-in-depth is truly scary. They are blessed with the most
abundant reserves of wealth in Gaelic football bar none. Sauntering to
the NFL Division One title, Jack O’Connor used 34 players in eight
games, and most would walk into the majority of inter-county teams in
this year’s championship.

David Moran, Aidan O’Shea, Darragh O’Shea and Daniel Bohane all came off
the bench against Derry on Sunday. Run. O’Connor is onto something
special here. They are beaten to the top spot by Tyrone only because of
question marks around their midfield and, perhaps, their full-back line,
which has creaked at times in the past.

Up top, Colm Cooper is back in the form of his life, as his five-point
haul in Croke Park confirmed, while Tommy Walsh will be back to his best
again after the minor distractions offered by St Kilda over the winter.

3. Cork

Their stock has risen further than any other during the league. Conor
Counihan, their manager, may be loath to give anything away, but he is
fast developing a reputation as the top new manager in the country.

They made up for the one blot on their league copybook, the defeat to
Monaghan in Scotstown, by giving Seamus McEnaney’s side a right hiding
in the Division Two final on Sunday. They may only have won by five
points but they looked infinitely fitter, hungrier and skilful than
their Ulster rivals in Croke Park.

Many remarked on the size of the Cork team – which is packed with seven
players of at least six feet in height – but they manage to play an
attractive style of football that lends itself to unleashing a
razor-sharp attack fronted by the sublime Daniel Goulding.

Counihan knew he had the makings of a very good team when Cork brought
Kerry to a replay in the All-Ireland semi-final last year; now he has
one of the best squads in the country. He used the campaign cleverly,
understanding the need to find a balance between confidence-inspiring
wins and uncovering players he will be able to trust if called upon
later in the championship.

4. Galway

Ah, Galway. They should be sitting pretty just ahead of Cork only for
the little matter of an implosion in their final two league games. Liam
Sammon’s men, as is their wont, went from champs to chumps in 35 minutes
against Mayo. Then Kerry put them in their box a week later and their
league campaign was over, having had more praise heaped on them than was
probably just.

Perhaps missing out on the league final may not have been a bad thing in
hindsight. The hype that was starting to build up around them – and
Michael Meehan in particular – was getting out of hand. They have four
weeks to prepare quietly for the championship clash with London.

5. Derry

They’re a better team for Damian Cassidy, their sometimes brusque but
always interesting manager. He didn’t invest much in the league and so
Sunday’s defeat to Kerry will barely register as one. But they are still
to shed their mantle as a ‘winter’ team and need to follow up on a
successful league campaign with a run in the championship.
The league has been important in that Eoin Bradley appears to have
finally emerged from the shadow of his brother, Paddy. The older of the
Bradley brothers still needs more help to share the scoring burden, but
Mark Lynch and Enda Lynn seem like the right men to help out in 2009.

6. Dublin

Some will argue that the Dubs don’t belong in such rarefied company;
that they are all huff and haven’t a hope of ending their 14-year
All-Ireland famine. Others will swear that 2009 will be the year of the
Dubs. That is the terrible beauty of the job Pat Gilroy has taken on.

After the annihilation of Westmeath on the final day of the league,
Gilroy was asked if the win would build false hopes ahead of the
championship. Two weeks earlier he had fielded questions from a
journalist who suggested that they were in a crisis after losing to
Derry. He answered both with a wry grin. That is the lot of the Dublin
football manager.

Gilroy has used the league to experiment and is still playing with a
38-card deck ahead of a couple of high-profile friendly matches. Denis
Bastic has done a good impression of a full-back thus far, but Ross
McConnell will attest to that the number three position is a different
prospect in the championship. Alan Hubbard and Paddy Andrews appear to
be adapting well in the new-look full-back line, while Paul Griffin and
Barry Cahill are back to add some experience to the defence.

Kilmacud Crokes’ All-Ireland win was a massive boost and a rising tide
should lift all Sky Blue boats. Rumours of discontent persist over
Gilroy’s managerial style and Jason Sherlock’s position in the squad,
but all that will matter little when Meath come into sight on June 7.

7. Monaghan

Monaghan’s tag as the best of the small counties is still intact despite
a disappointing performance against Cork. They were bullied by the
Rebels and, surprisingly, they rolled over when we have always
associated them with putting it up to Kerry in Croke Park over the last
three years.

But the Farney men impressed enough in the rest of their campaign to
remain a major threat this year. They are light in attack and
over-reliant on Paul Finlay and Tommy Freeman, but in Owen Lennon and
Dick Clerkin they have a midfield comparable with that of any other in
the county.

They went from majestic against Laois to miserable against Cork in the
space of two weeks. Their true form is probably somewhere in between.  
8. Armagh
A moderate league campaign and a spate of retirements to key players has
left the air distinctly gloomy in the Orchard County. They were
pummelled – 0-19 to 1-7 – by Cork down in Pairc Ui Chaoimh on the last
day of the season when they still had promotion hopes.

All the analysis in the world can’t hide the fact that Peter McDonnell
is facing into a championship campaign without three of the countie’s
greatest ever servants, Francie Bellew, Paddy McKeever and Paul McGrane.
Nobody stepped up to the mark in the league and their dominance in
Ulster could be about to come to an end this year.

9. Mayo

They have proved little other than they still have the ability to beat
Galway when it counts. Alan Dillon has emerged as a top-class forward
and Aidan O’Shea has made the jump from the minor ranks with ease. They
won’t set the world on fire, but they still have the ability to take
Galway done a peg or two.  

10. Kildare

The Lilywhites sneak in ahead of Down and Tipperary on the back of a
good league campaign. They were cruelly denied a place in the Division
Two final, but look to have improved immensely under Kieran McGeeney,
who is finally starting to exude the air of a top manager. Won’t get
caught on the hop like they did against Wicklow last year.

On the rise: Cork, Tipperary, Sligo, Kildare, Down, London.  

On the wane: Wexford, Fermanagh, Limerick, Wicklow, Offaly.    

Steady as she goes: Tyrone, Kerry.

Going nowhere: Meath, Cavan, Laois.



Leinster GAA News
New president: urban areas our greatest challenge
By Jim O’Sullivan

ENHANCING club activity in urban centres of population is possibly the greatest challenge facing the GAA going forward, new President Christy Cooney believes.

Informing delegates that while they had lost ground to other sports, a dedicated committee in Croke Park will be working with county boards to develop ways of assisting existing clubs to grow their membership – while at the same time attracting new clubs and new club concepts in urban areas.

‘We have made great progress in this area in the recent past, particularly in Dublin and Derry. We will study the good work there, identify what worked well, and use it elsewhere,’ he stated. ‘And this will be linked with our ‘Inclusion and Integration Strategy’ which was launched last week, where we will be reaching out to all members of society, regardless of age, nationality, religion and ability and offering them a ‘Fáilte Romhat’ into our Association.’

In the current year they will have plans to launch specific initiatives in six key urban areas – Dublin, Belfast, Cork, Galway, Limerick and Waterford – and will benchmark their current participation rate and membership, while setting targets for attracting and retaining more members ‘into their family’.

Speaking generally, he said he had strong feelings about the need to continue driving forward – ‘not at break neck speed in helter-skelter fashion but in a carefully planned and considered way, that will consolidate and build on the strides made in recent decades.

‘In that context the idea of borrowing funds – should the need arise – to sustain our ongoing development projects, is something that we should not dismiss out of hand. We have no intention of retreating into a shell to become an insular, fearful organisation, especially not at a time when so much good work is being undertaken on our behalf and so much of it on a voluntary basis. I have every confidence that like the country, we can come through these challenging times and show real leadership like our founding fathers.’

In overall terms, he outlined six core focus areas he intends to concentrate in his first year and on which he expects to be measured through delivery of these aims. These are: (1) implementing the Strategic Plan, (2) ensuring the club maintains its importance at the centre of the Association, (3) promoting their voluntary ethos, (4) improving the support systems for all of players, (5) connecting with their youth and (6) addressing the urban challenge.

He was especially generous in his tribute to outgoing President Nickey Brennan, saying that either in business or within the GAA he had rarely come across an individual with such ‘boundless energy, drive and enthusiasm’ and an overwhelming desire to improve the Association on behalf of the membership.

‘He always did the right thing for the Association. That is, I believe, what he will be remembered for and what a great legacy to leave behind.’


Leinster Senior Football Championship 2009.







Kildare v Offaly




Carlow v Louth


Parnell Park


Longford v Wicklow








Kildare/Offaly v Wexford




Carlow/Louth v Laois


Carlow/Parnell Park


Longford/Wicklow v Westmeath




Meath v Dublin


Croke Park






Kildare/Offaly/Wexford v Carlow/Louth/Laois


Croke Park


Longford/Wicklow/Westmeath v Meath/Dublin


Croke Park




Croke Park







More Stupid Quotes.


‘You need to respect me. You are taking away my shine!’
– Bobby Brown, screaming at Usher during a birthday party for


‘Reports are sketchy, but we have heard that in the first heart transplant operation in Belgium, both patient and donor are doing fine.’
– Radio news announcer

‘All of the Mets’ away wins against Los Angeles this year have been at Dodger Stadium.’
– Ralph Kiner, NY Sports commentator

‘We’ll be back with the recrap after this message.’
– Ralph Kiner.

I play football. I’m not trying to be a professor. The tests don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven’t been through in school.’
– Ray Forsythe, Clemson recruit, who was ineligible as a student because of academic requirements

‘While sitting in a tavern, someone hit my nose from behind.’
– reason given for insurance claim

‘Mr. Milosevic has to be careful.  The calendar is ticking.’
– Richard Haas, NBC News consultant.

‘Bruce Sutter has been around for awhile and he’s pretty old. He’s thirty-five years old. That will give you some idea of how old he is.’
– Ron Fairley,  broadcaster

‘The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation.’
– Ron Pickering

‘Watch the time -it gives you an indication of how fast they are running.’
– Ron Pickering

‘Facts are stupid things.’
– Ronald Reagan, Former U.S. President.

‘A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it is written on.’
– Samuel Goldwyn, early Hollywood movie producer. 

‘Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in
the air for even longer.’
– David Acfield, sports commentator

 Strange/Bizarre/Quirkie News.

AKRON, Ohio  Ohio police say a 52-year-old woman was attacked on
her first day as an exotic dancer by a jealous co-worker
wielding a stiletto heel.

Akron police Lt. Rick Edwards says the woman was assaulted Friday
night by a co-worker who didn’t think the club needed more
dancers. Police say one of the dancers took her stiletto and
repeatedly struck the woman in the face as she walked into the
basement dressing room.

The woman was treated at a hospital and received seven stitches.
She has declined to press charges against her assailant. Police say the woman took the job because she needed the extra money. She has refused to talk to police about what happened. 


Two Men Spend Three Nights At A Pub

Two men had to stay in a pub in New Zealand for three nights
because of the bad weather conditions.  Julian Watt and Blair
Stewart, 24, went to the pub to have a beer and did not end up
leaving till three days later.   The snow fall was so heavy that
the road by the pub ended up being closed.  The two men passed
the time by talking and playing cards.  The owner of the pub,
Adrian Bardrick said, ‘If the trucks don’t arrive in the next
two days, we’ll start to get a bit short of things.’

Pistol Granny Still At Large

German police are hunting down an elderly woman was has recently
robbed three banks.  The woman, who appears to be in her 70’s,
has already bagged €28,000 so far and security cameras show her
wielding a pistol.  Police have already rounded up a number of
elderly women who match the description.  ‘But we’re doing it
sensitively. It’s not as if we’re charging into old people’s
homes and lining up grandmothers for questioning,’ police
spokesman Andreas Czogalla told Reuters.

Sporting Quirkies.

Fan marks ‘death of football’

An Italian football fan has started putting up a grave every time his team loses a major match.

Inter Milan fan Massimo Pecorino, 52, has so far erected more than 20 gravestones on a local mountainside.

He says grave mistakes can only be marked by a grave where he buries his hopes and dreams, near his home town of Cortona.

Pecorino said: ‘Instead of enjoying a celebration I felt like I was at a funeral, so I spent the day carving out my fury on a stone.’

Jelena: ‘Jamie has a crush on me’

Jelena Jankovic says she believes British tennis ace Jamie Murray played so well because he has a crush on her.

 The Serbian player who won the Wimbledon mixed doubles title with Jamie Murray said she had initially wondered why he had asked her to be his partner at the tournament.

‘I told him I was not a doubles player. However, he insisted and at the end of the tournament I realised that in fact he had fallen in love,’ she said.

‘Even during matches when I was played badly he used to come to me and kept saying ‘smile, smile for me’.’

And she also told the local newspaper Vecernje Novosti: ‘Instead of discussing tactics in pauses between he used to tell me how attractive I was. I told him I would give him a kiss for every good point and it worked.’

She told Serbian news website Mondo that Murray had come to her before the Wimbledon tournament while she was in a car park and had asked her to partner him in the mixed doubles.

She said it was an offer that could not be turned down, adding: ‘I simply had to accept the offer.’

But Jelena says she has still not decided whether to accept Jamie’s latest invitation – to spend Christmas with him in Scotland.

She told Serbian tabloid 24 Sata: ‘There is a plenty of time before Christmas and we’ll see what happens. Anything is possible.’


Hired and Fired Within Ten Minutes

 Ex-soccer star Leroy Rosenior was appointed boss of a struggling club – then sacked after ten minutes.

The former West Ham and Fulham striker broke the record for English football’s shortest managerial reign after being introduced with a fanfare by Torquay United, reports The Sun.

Sports journalists were summoned to a press conference which finished at 3.30pm. Then – at 3.40pm – Leroy was told by the chairman that the Devon club had been sold to a business consortium. And that meant he was out.

Leroy, 43 said: ‘For it to happen ten minutes after I finished the press conference was a bit of a shock. But we had a good laugh about it afterwards.’

Leroy smashed the previous record for the shortest time as manager – Dave Bassett’s 72 hours at Crystal Palace in 1984.

He joked: ‘Obviously they thought I had done a fantastic job after ten minutes and let me go.’

The post was Leroy’s second stint at Torquay, who will face next season in the Conference after finishing bottom of the Football League. He was boss between 2002 and 2006 when he left by mutual consent.

Since then the club has been in a managerial crisis, with four different bosses in the hot seat.

Leroy added: ‘I wish them the very best of luck. They are going to sort me out a bit of compensation.’


True Story.

All That Glitters Is Not Gold.

The 1912 Olympics was the last Olympics that gave out gold medals that were made entirely out of gold. 

The rewards from the modern Olympics are a far cry from the ancient games, where first prize was an olive wreath to wear, and hang outside your door afterwards, to signify a champion lived here. Now, the champion’s face appears on almost every conceivable kind of advertising venue, because winning a gold medal is literally worth its weight in endorsements.

But the gold is no longer real gold. And even the first gold medals were silver. That’s because in 1896, when the game were revived, gold was considered an inferior metal, and the first place winners received medals made of silver. That was changed to gold in 1904 at the St. Louis’ games, but given the price and paucity, it was changed once more, and the last pure gold medals were given out in 1912.

Today, Olympic medals must meet stringent requirements for content and size, with some flexibility in design. A gold medal must be a minimum of just under 2 1/2 inches wide, and 1/8 of an inch thick. The main form must be made of 92.5 percent pure silver, coated with at least six grams of pure gold. Silver medals are made of the same grade of silver, and bronze is made of…well, bronze.

 True Story 2

The Big Apple At The Top Of The Tree

New York City was briefly the U.S. capital from 1789 to 1790. 

Known far and wide as the Big Apple, the city of New York has a long and varied history as a major landing point for immigrants to America, and as the home base of some of the more prominent industry and intrigue in the country.

The first explorer to land in the great city’s harbour was an Italian, but the area would go virtually unvisited until Henry Hudson discovered Manhattan in 1609, while on a Dutch-sponsored voyage. While the Dutch did establish the first colonies in the state, they were ousted by the English in 1664, and ceded the territory to them in 1674.

The British stranglehold on what would one day become the most populous city in North America, lasted for over a hundred years. The city itself was the scene of many early skirmishes in the American Revolution, with an estimated one-third of the action taking place in and around the city, which was becoming progressively more split in its political affiliations. It actually remained on the side of England for some years, with British ships not deserting the port until 1783.

It was up to Alexander Hamilton to spearhead the movement that brought New York into the newly formed country of the United States and accept statehood in 1788. Not only did it become a state, but New York City became the state capital, and capital of the country until 1789. Both roles were subsequently lost to Albany, N.Y. and Washington, D.C. respectively.


True Story 3

Head Of The Tsarina’s Household

Peter the Great executed his wife’s lover, and forced her to keep her lover’s head in a jar of alcohol in her bedroom.

When the Tsar died in 1682, the question of succession came down to the sons of the Tsar’s first wife, and Peter, a son by his second wife. Of the two older brothers, Ivan was feeble minded, and although Fyodor ascended the throne, he died shortly thereafter, leaving Russia in the joint rulership of Peter aged 10, and Ivan, with Peter’s mother as regent. On Ivan’s death, Peter’s sister Sophia mounted a push to take the throne for herself, and the resultant upheaval in Russia, which saw most of Peter’s family slaughtered, is thought to have had an abiding affect on his later penchant for violence. In the end, Peter prevailed and was crowned the Tsar. Without doubt, Peter was a progressive ruler, seeing Russia’s weaknesses for what they were, and personally going forth to find solutions, including a nearly two year ‘tour’ of Europe, where supposedly incognito, he worked alongside merchants, tradesmen and soldiers to learn where his people should be heading in their own country. He was ruthless in the changes he forced upon Russia, although for the large part, they were for its betterment. But that ruthlessness extended to traitors, dissidents, and even his wife’s chamberlain.

Peter had divorced his first wife, and in 1712 married the woman who would become Catherine the Great. Prior to that, he had set up Anna Mons very handsomely as his mistress, and was reportedly going to marry her, until what appeared to be some misuse of position got her arrested in 1704. She survived the scandal though, as did her brother William who Anna had introduced to Peter. William had been made administrator of Catherine’s estates, and then her personal chamberlain. But scandal would strike once again, and William’s luck ran out. Arrested on ‘betrayal of trust’ in late 1724, Mons was publicly drawn and quartered and then beheaded. The betrayal was said to have been an affair with the Tsarina, Catherine, who was subsequently required to keep the pickled head in her bedroom.


Test Papers and Essays

These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world. It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades.

‘When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.’

‘H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water’

‘To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube’

‘When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide’

‘Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state’

‘Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.’

‘Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.’

‘Blood flows down one leg and up the other.’

‘Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.’

‘The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.’

‘Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.’

‘Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.’

‘Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.’

‘The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, and u.’

‘The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.’

‘The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.’

‘A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.’

‘Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception.’

‘Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.’

‘Germinate: To become a naturalized German.’

‘Liter: A nest of young puppies.’

‘Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.’

‘Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.’

‘Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.’

‘Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.’

‘Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.’

‘Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.’

‘For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.’

‘For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.”For fainting: Rub the person’s chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.’

‘For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.’

‘For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.’

‘To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.’

‘To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.’


Newspaper Headlines.

· Something Went Wrong in Plane Crash, Expert Says

· Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

· Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

· Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

· War Dims Hope for Peace

· If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

· Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

· Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges!

· Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

· Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

· Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

· Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

· Miner Refuses to Work after Death

· Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

· Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

· New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

· Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

·  Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

· Fire British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

· Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

· Air Head Fired Steals Clock, Faces Time

· Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

· Farmer Bill Dies in House

· Teacher Strikes Idle Kids


Short Newspaper stories

Aberdeen Evening Express: At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn’t have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

The Daily Telegraph: Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North-west Gas said ‘We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.’


De Groene Amsterdammer: A Dutch veterinarian was fined 600 guilders [about $240USD] for causing a fire that destroyed a farm in Lichten Vourde, the Netherlands. The vet had been trying to convince a farmer that his cow was passing flatulent gas; to demonstrate, the vet ignited the gas, but the cow became a ‘four-legged flame-thrower’ and ran wild, setting fire to bales of hay. Damage to the farm was assessed at $80,000USD.The cow was unharmed.

Manchester Evening News: Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket.

Barnsley Chronicle: Police arrived quickly, to find Mr Melchett hanging by his fingertips from the back wall. He had run out of the house when the owner, Paul Finch, returned home unexpectedly, and, spotting an intruder in the garden, who had been visiting Mrs Finch and, hearing the front door open, had climbed out of the rear window. But the back wall was 8 feet high and Mr Melchett had been unable to get his leg over.

Belga [The Belgium news agency]: man suspected of robbing a jewellery store in Liege said he couldn’t have done it because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.

Daily Telegraph: In a piece headed ‘Brussels Pays £200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes: the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes’ pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels.’

From The Gloucester Citizen:‘A caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialling an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled, ‘Hear Me Moan’, the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset, England refused to look into the complaint, saying, ‘He got what he deserved’, said a spokesperson.

Norwegian business consultant Hendrik Pedersen worked for 13 years on a book about Norwegian economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

And finally only in Ireland . . . a snippet from a County Cork newspaper:

Reilly’s Bar: Due to the sad death of Seamus, the bar to all intents and purposes, will remain closed during our grief, but so as not to inconvenience our esteemed customers, the door will remain ajar. Tis what Seamus wanted.




Actual Questions Asked of Librarians:

· Do you have books here?

· Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?

· Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?

· Where in the library can I find a power socket for my hairdryer?

· Do you have that book by Rushdie, ‘Satanic Nurses’ ? [Actual title: ‘Satanic Verses’ ]

· I am seeking a directory of laws that I can break, so that I would be returned to jail for a couple of years.

· Do you have a list of all the books I’ve ever read?


For Sale Ad.

Mon. For Sale: – W.A. Harris has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 565-0747 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. O’Hara who lives with him cheap.

Tues. NOTICE – We regret having erred in W.A. Harris’s ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 565-0747 and ask for Mrs. O’Hara who lives with him after 7 p.m.

Wed. NOTICE – W.A. Harris has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE – W.A. Harris has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 565-0747 and ask for Mrs. O’Hara who loves with him.

Thurs. NOTICE – I, W.A. Harris, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don’t call 565-0747, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. O’Hara. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit.

letters written to various government agencies in the USA:

1.      Dear Sirs,
Please stop my assistance since I got a job begging in October

2.      I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?

3.      Mrs Jones has not had any clothing for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

4.      I cannot get sick pay.  I have had 6 children. Can you tell me why?

5.      I am glad to report that my husband, who was reported missing, is dead.

6.      This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?

7.      Please find for certain if my husband is dead, as the man I am living with can’t do a thing until he knows.

8.      I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my boy as illiterate. This is a dirty lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born.

9.      In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.

10.  I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children, one of which was a mistake as you can see.

11.  Unless I get my husband’s money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

12.  My husband got laid off from his job 2 weeks ago, and I haven’t had any relief since.

13.  You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?

14.  I have no children yet as my husband is a bus driver and works night and day.

15.  In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

16.  I want my money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with a doctor for 2 weeks and he hasn’t done me any good. If things don’t improve I will have to send for another doctor.


Ex President Bush Goes Horse Riding

 Ex President George Bush narrowly escaped serious injury recently when he attempted horseback riding with no prior experience. After mounting his horse unassisted, the horse immediately began moving. As it galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, Bush began to slip sideways from the saddle.

Although attempting to grab for the horse’s mane Bush could not get a firm grip. He then threw his arms around the horse’s neck but continued to slide down the side of the horse. The horse galloped along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, losing his grip, Bush attempted to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. His foot, however, became entangled in the stirrup, leaving him at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as his head and upper body repeatedly struck the ground.

Moments away from unconsciousness, and probable death, to his great fortune  a retired  man shopping at a supermarket in Crawford, Texas, saw him and quickly unplugged the horse from its electrical outlet in the children’s play area.

The Drinks Are On Me

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender [with a drunken slur], ‘Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.’

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for €57.00.
The drunk says, ‘I haven’t got it.’

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says [with a drunken slur], ‘Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.’

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can’t possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice,  so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for €67.00.

The drunk says, ‘I haven’t got it.’

The bartender can’t believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says [with a drunken slur], ‘Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, give me the bill.’

In disgust, the bartender says, ‘What, no drink for me this time?’

The drunk replies, ‘You! No Way! You get too violent when you drink.’