Sarsfields Newsletter

November 8, 2018

THE SASH Tuesday April 21st 2009


The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.


Wyeth Medica Kildare Senior Football Championship Draw.

 In last night’s Kildare senior championship draw held in Wyeth who are the new sponsors, Sarsfields have drawn Confey while Moorefield have been paired with Carbury The draw is based on the same format that was introduced last year with one exception that involves the relegation playoff. There will be a further two open draws. After three games are played the top eight teams –with scoring difference taken into account in the event of teams being level on points – will go into another open draw for the Quarter finals.  Just like last year teams place from 9th to 12th position will be eliminated but unlike last year they will not have to participate in the relegation playoff. The bottom four teams only will have to fight it out to see which team will be relegated to intermediate status. All games are provisionally fixed for the 3rd week in July. The full draw is as follows:

Sarsfields V Confey

Celbridge V Ellistown

Moorefield V Carbury

Allenwood V Celebridge

Naas V Suncroft

Round Towers V Clane

Athy V Kilcock

St Kevin’s V Leixlip


Dermot’s Red Card is Rescinded.

From the Kildare GAA Website

Dermot Earley, the Kildare midfielder, is free to play in the Leinster SFC clash with Offaly on May 24 after his red card was rescinded by the Central Hearings Committee [CHC] on Thursday night.

The army man had an eight-week ban proposed by the Central Competitions Control Committee [CCCC] after an incident involving Nigel Crawford in the dying minutes of the Lilywhites’ league draw with Meath last Sunday.

However, the Sarsfields man opted not to accapt the ban, which would have ruled him out of the Leinster opener, and sought a personal hearing with the CHC.

Earley was accompanied by county Chairman Syl Merrins at a personal hearing in Croke Park on Thursday night, where the disciplinary body opted to downgrade the red card to yellow after viewing video evidence. His exemplary disciplinary record was also taken into account. 

A GAA statement later read: ‘The Central Hearings Committee, at its meeting last night, found that DVD evidence disclosed an Infraction but one less serious than that alleged in the notice of Disciplinary Action.

‘That is to say a  ‘highly disruptive foul/second cautionable infraction’ (Category 1 Infraction) which carries a fixed penalty of debarment from playing for the remainder of the game, including extra time in accordance with Riail 146 (b) T. O. 2008/ Comhdháil Speisialta, Deireadh Fomhair 2008, which has already been served.’

Leinster Leader SFL:Leixlip 2-9 Sarsfields 0-13


By Tony Ryan


The old adage that goals win games was certainly true in Sarsfields Park on Sunday night when Leixlip had two points to spare over Sarsfields in an entertaining league game. In a game that ebbed and flowed throughout and was level on five occasions it was Leixlip’s two goals, one in each half that was the main difference between the teams. With practically the last kick of the game Sarsfields had a great chance to snatch victory when second half substitute Stewart McKenzie Smith bore down on the Leixlip goal only to see his shot well saved by ex Kildare goalkeeper Enda Murphy.

            Leixlip started brightly and scored the first of their goals after just two minutes when right half forward Eamon Murphy caught the Sarsfields defence flatfooted when he  gratefully received a ball behind the Sarsfields defence and gave keeper Patrick O’Sullivan little chance from close range. Sarsfields replied with two points within a minute from Alan Smith and a Padraig Brennan point midway through the half brought them level. Leixlip were in front again two minutes later when Martin Shaughnessey pointed. Robbie Confrey playing in an unaccustomed role at centre forward where he acquitted himself well, scored with five minutes remaining in the first half to bring the sides level again 0-4 to 1-1. Two points in two minutes from Paul O’Neill and Paddy Meagher gave Leixlip a slight edge before Padraig Brennan again pointed for Sarsfields. David Jordan wrapped up the first half scoring with a fine point from 40 metres to leave Leixlip two ahead at the break 1-4 to 0-5.


            Sarsfields brought on Stewart McKenzie Smith after the break and the big man  quickly made his presence felt when he pointed from a narrow angle within two minutes. After five minutes Sarsfields had drawn level when Alan Smith fired over an excellent point. Then John Geraghty scored a great point to edge Sarsfields ahead and it looked as if Sarsfields had the measure of Leixlip and the game was about to turn decisively in Sarsfields favour. Leixlip, however had other ideas and a brace of points from Midfielder Aidan Ryan and Eamon Murphy within a couple of minutes sent them back in front. Sarsfields got back on level terms after eleven minutes when Alan Barry fielded a high ball and scored a tremendous point from about 40 metres. Three minutes later Padraig Brennan again edged Sarsfields ahead. With the game continuing swing to and fro, Paddy Meagher scored to give Leixlip parity once more.


Midway through the half Sarsfields second half substitute Sean Cambell fisted Sarsfields once again into the lead 0-11 to Leixlip’s 1-7. Just as it looked as if Leixlip’s resistance might be over, disaster struck for Sarsfields when a poor clearance out of defence was intercepted by Aidan Ryan who took full advantage and scored Leixlip’s decisive second goal with thirteen minutes remaining. David Earley reduced the deficit to a point, 2-7 to 0-12 with less than five minutes remaining. Leixlip’s response was swift. Two points in two minutes from Paul O’Neill and David Jordan put them three points clear and almost across the finishing line as injury time approached. Padraig Brennan from a free pulled one back for Sarsfields and then came Sarsfields goal chance but neither was enough to deny a determined Leixlip the points.       



Leixlip: Enda Murphy, Ivan Clancy, Robbie Roche, Davy Kileen, John Roche, Ciarin Fadin, David Hanlon, Paddy Moolick, Aidan Ryan (1-1) Eamon Murphy (1-2), Aidan McHugh, Paul O’Neill (0-2) Paddy Meagher, (0-2) David Jordan (0-2) Martin Shaughnessey (0-1)


Sarsfields: Paddy O’Sullivan, Steven Lawler, Joe O’Malley, Davis Duggan, Robbie Murphy, Martin Dunne, Aidan McLernan, Alan Barry, (0-1) Dermot Earley, John Geraghty, (0-1) Robbie Confrey, (0-1)David Earley (0-1) Padraig Brennan (0-4) Alan Smith (0-3) Subs: Stewart-McKenzie Smith for Robbie Murphy (ht 0-1) Sean Cambell for john Geraghty (45 mins 0-1) Rickie Deegan for Steven Lawler (48



Senior Football League Div 5  April 15th

Sarsfields 1-11  Maynooth 1-5


By John Holden

Sarsfields 3rd team got off to a great league start with a six point win over an impressive Maynooth side. A well taken penalty by Pat Finlay gave the Sash an 1-4 to 0-3 interval lead with Barry Nolan (2), Ciaran O’Rourke and Finlay adding the points. Maynooth with Davy Byrne, Alan Nugent, Tadgh Dunne, Paddy Brennan and Con Dempsey impressing came back strongly in the closing quarter and a well taken Marc Nugent goal closed the gap but Sarsfields with Damien Finan, Eoin O’Brien, Dane Barrett, John Walsh, Mark Dunning and man of the match Jason Moore impressing held on to record a deserved victory. Sarsfields: Stephen Jacob, Jason Moore, Paddy Keogh, Dane Barrett, Colm Dunning, Tom Sex, Eoin O’Brien, John Walsh 0-1, Damian Finan 0-1 Michael Malone, Pat Finlay 1-1, Ciaran O’Rourke 0-1, Martin Gallagher 0-2, Barry Nolan 0-2, Ross Timmons 0-2. Subs: Ed Donoghue 0-2, Declan Keogh, Jack Colleton, Michael Carroll, Chris Fox 0-1.


Challenge April 18th

Sarsfields 0-11 Kildare (Over 40’s)  2-12

Sarsfields 3rd team lost out to an experienced Kildare side in an entertaining challenge in Sarsfields Park last Saturday. Johnny McDonald, Chilly Byrne, Declan Jacob, Diarmuid O’Connor, Frank Moran, Ed Donoghue, Terry McDonald, Jim Hannifan  and Mark Millham were to the fore as the former county men had too much craft for their younger counterparts. Best for a hard working Sarsfields side were keeper Denis Whelan, Mick Godwin, Rob Lonergan, Kevin Miller, Shane Cole, Diarmuid Nolan, D Craddock and Ross Houlihan.









 By Jerry Maher


Sarsfields girls got their league campaign off to the perfect start when they defeated a strong St Laurence’s outfit at Sarsfields Park last Saturday morning.

The Larries girls arrived in Sarfields a very determined outfit hoping to overturn their autumn league final defeat by the Sash girls. Their cause was given a huge boost when straight from the throw in the Laurence’s girls moved the ball down the pitch quickly and had the ball in the Sarsfields net without the Sash touching the ball. There was no panic in the Sarfields ranks and they worked themselves steadily into the game and started to pick off their scores. Gemma Harnett at midfield for the Sash won a lot of ball around the middle and with the good supply of ball to the forwards they started to rack up the scores. Shauna Kendrick at full forward was a constant threat to the Larries defence and had goals in each half. Emma Lyons at full back marshalled the full back line superbly and with Rachael Mahoney and Brooke Dunne in the half back line on top of their game the Laurence’s forwards found it very difficult to score. Aine Dunne at centre back for Laurance’s worked hard throughout and was ably assisted by Abby Monaghan and Cira Wheeler. Sarsfields had also good performances from Molly Price, Emily Aulsbury and


Senior Football League Div 5  April 15th

Sarsfields 1-11  Maynooth 1-5. Match report on Sarsfields Website.








Leinster GAA News



The GAA, in conjunction with Ladies Gaelic Football and the Camogie Association, today launched its Inclusion and Integration Strategy 2009-2015 at Croke Park in the company of Mr. Conor Lenihan TD who underlined the government’s support for the project.

The aim of the strategy is to offer an inclusive and welcoming environment for everyone to participate in our games and in our culture.

GAA President Nickey Brennan stressed the significance of the event and the strategy itself at what was one of the last public appearances of his three-year tenure.

He said: ‘Initiatives such as this are of utmost importance and this topic was one of the 11 we highlighted in our Strategic, Vision and Action Plan which we unveiled last November.

‘Sport and the cultural offshoots of our association provide a perfect vehicle for us to welcome those who might not be familiar with our games and past times allowing them to integrate with those who are already immersed in these activities, especially at a young age. Sport has a huge role to play in tackling barriers and divisions.

‘While we may sometimes take the association, our games and the influence they have on wider society for granted, we should remember that there may be a demystifying and educational process required to allow those from non-traditional GAA backgrounds to access our games and activities to the full.

‘The aim of this strategy has to be to encourage people of all ages, abilities, ethnicities, nationalities and religious backgrounds, living in Ireland, to feel comfortable enough to get involved with the GAA and that’s the goal we will be working towards through this strategy.’

Also in attendance for today‘s strategy launch were Helen O’Rourke, Ard Stiúrthóir of Ladies Gaelic Football and Joan O’Flynn, President of the Camogie Association.

Both associations lent their support to an initiative that they hope will lead to a more open and inclusive association – one that can have a positive influence on wider society.

Pat Quill President of Ladies Gaelic Football said, ‘The ethnic diversity of modern Ireland presents so many opportunities for our country and sporting organisations. The wider GAA family must welcome non-Irish nationals with open arms and we need to examine all measures to ensure this process continues apace so that our sport continues to be representative of the whole country.’

Joan O’Flynn added: ‘For the Camogie Association, the Inclusion and Integration Strategy is a statement of intent of our commitment to reach out and promote the positive inclusion of groups who may be under-represented amongst our players, membership and supporters and to identify and work to overcome barriers that may inhibit some groups from getting involved in Camogie either as players, members or supporters.’

The strategy was devised by a 10 person committee after consultation with a number of interested and relevant external parties.


Feile Concert


TICKETS go on sale this week for a Feile concert being held in the club on Friday, April 24, – Mark Browne’s new band Apollo (formerly What Next) are kindly giving their services free to the club, so that means all proceeds go back into the club.


The concert is being organised by the Feile Committee, but the money goes straight back into the club’s finances for general distribution so it is important
everyone gets fully behind this venture. TICKETS are just €10 each and the Sarsfields Exec Committee are will be asking all sectors of the club to help with the sale of the tickets. We have 30 teams, so if each team managed to sell 10 tickets, we would raise €3,000 for the club and a good night is assured as well as the band always provides good entertainment

I will be contacting managers in the next couple of days, so please help with this concert promotion.

  Le meas

Shane Scanlon.


A club night is being held on Sunday May 3rd Music by Appollo and finger food, spot prizes on the night all welcome.

Sunday Lunch In Sarsfields.

 Lunch every Sunday in the Function Room from 12.30 until 6pm. After the success of Mother’s Day lunch it has been decided to do it every Sunday. A children’s menu will be available in addition to the adult menu which will cost approximately €14. Now that the Inter County championship is just around the corner there will be a live game every Sunday on the big screens in the bar.



Sarsfields Fixtures for the coming Week.


The boys Feile team are playing the Shield A final this Saturday at 4.30pm all support welcome in St. Conleths Park


Tuesday 21st April

Ladies Senior Football 7pm

Confey V Sarsfields


Wednesday 22nd April

Minor Football Division 4 7pm

Sarsfields 2 V Naas 2


Saturday 25th April

Senior League Division 1 6pm

Ellistown V Sarsfields


Sunday 26th April

Minor league Division 1 11.30pm

Athy V Sarsfields

Minor League Division 4 11.30pm

Ballykelly V Sarsfields


Underage Football Fixtures

Saturday 25th of April

Feile Shield Final 4.30pm St. Conleths Park

Sarsfields V Kilcock


North Board

Tuesday 21st April

Under 10 Division 1 7pm

Sarsfields V Ballyna Main Pitch

Under 10 Division 3

Celbridge 2 V Sarsfields 2


Wednesday 22nd April

Under 12 Division 1 7pm

Leixlip V Sarsfields

Friday 24th of April

Under 10 Hurling Division 3 7pm

Sarsfields V Naas 4 Pitch 3

Saturday 25th April

Under 9 Group 1 1.30pm Pitch 2

Sarsfields V Kilcock

Under 9 Group 3 1.30pm Pitch 2

Sarsfields 2 V Kilcock 2

Under 11 Division 1 3.00pm

Naas V Sarsfields

Sunday 26th April

Under 8 Hurling Group 3 10am

Leixlip 2 V Sarsfields

Under 12 Hurling Division 3 12 noon

Celbridge 2 V Sarsfields


Ladies Underage Football

Thursday 23rd of April

Under 16 Division 1 6.30pm

Sarsfields V Na Fianna

Saturday 25th of April

Under 12 Division 1 11am

Athy V Sarsfields

Sunday 26th April

Under 16 Division 1 7pm

Sarsfields V Clane


Results Monday 20th April


Senior Division 4

Sarsfields 1-14  Kilcock 0-14

Senior Ladies Division 1

Sarsfields 02-05  Edestown 02-08

Girls Under 16 Division 1

Sarsfields 02-08  Naas 02-02

Girls U12 Sarsfields 6-10 St. Laurence’s 2-1


The junior match last night was called off and will no be played on Wednesday night in Allenwood





 More Stupid Quotes.


‘From the waist down, Earl Campbell has the biggest legs I’ve
ever seen on a running back.’
– John Madden


‘A zebra does not change its spots.’
– Al Gore 1991 (and again in 1992)


I think you can’t repeat the first time of something…’
– Natalie Imbrulia, Singer, on her Grammy nomination

‘Danny, as you know, was hospitalised last week after complaining about chest and sideburns.’
Ned Martin, US Sportscommentator

‘That’s just the tip of the ice cube.’
– Neil Hamilton, BBC2

‘The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet.’
– Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.

‘I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version.’
– Colonel Oliver, North, from his Iran-Contra testimony

‘Sure, it’s going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway.’
– Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on the pesticide, chlordane.

 ‘I’ve seen ‘Much Ado About Nothing’ three times.  It’s a great play that’s full of humor… I’m not used to that kind of culture and stuff.’
– Pamela Lee, Actress, commenting on Kenneth Branagh’s film of the Shakespearean play

‘If only faces could talk…’
– Pat Summerall, Sports commentator,  during the Super Bowl

‘Good looking people turn me off.  Myself included.’
– Patrick Swayze, Actor

‘If people get a kick out of running down pedestrians, you have to let them do it.’
– Paul Jacobs, marketing director for a video game company

‘Hey cabbie, could you turn that thing down a hundred disciples?’
– Paul Owen, Baseball player complaining about the radio being   too loud

‘Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean.’
– Pedro Guerrero, Baseball player, on reporters


Strange/Bizarre/Quirkie News.


MOSCOW (Reuters)  Three off-duty Russian policemen were fired on
Monday for driving drunk through Moscow’s Red Square in the
early hours of the morning, dressed in their police uniforms.

‘A medical examination revealed that all three policemen were
drunk,’ Moscow City Police said in a statement about the
incident which took place on Friday.

‘(They have) tarnished the honour and dignity of police

Russians are some of the world’s heaviest drinkers and
demographers often cite high alcohol consumption as a factor in
the low life expectancy of Russian men.

The image of national airline Aeroflot’s subsidiary Aeroflot-
Nord was dealt a serious blow earlier this year when alcohol was
found in the blood of one of its pilots who crashed over the
Urals, killing 88 people on board.


HONOLULU  A 28-year-old man has been sentenced to three weeks in
jail for urinating on a 66-year-old woman during a Continental
Airlines flight last month from Los Angeles to Honolulu. Jerome
Kenneth Kingzio, a resident of the U.S. Commonwealth of the
Northern Mariana Islands, was sentenced after pleading guilty
Tuesday to assault charges in federal court in Honolulu.

The victim was headed to Hawaii on March 21 for a scuba diving
vacation and was watching an in-flight movie when Kingzio stood
up and began urinating on her. He had been drinking on the
flight. U.S. Attorney Edward Kubo Jr. said the woman reported that not
only was her entire vacation ruined, but she continues to suffer
emotionally from the incident.


A good reason to give up smoking

A man in Denver, taking a break from painting his home, managed to burn his house down after smoking a cigarette reports The Los Angeles Times.

Stevie Spencer, tried to put out the cigarette in a bowl which he had placed on the table prior to lighting. ‘I forgot paint thinner was in the bowl,’ Spencer said, ‘I thought it was water.’ The fire from the paint thinner ignited some papers nearby and spread rapidly.

Spence reportedly suffered minor injuries but his house was destroyed. Fire Chief Jay Flynn said the that house was too far gone to save it when fire-fighters arrived.

Sporting Quirkies.

Floyd’s game for a virtual knockout

A teenager was given a beating in an online boxing game – then found out he was up against former world champion Floyd Mayweather.

George Guest, 15, was on his PlayStation 3 fighting an anonymous opponent who clearly knew his stuff.

The boxing-mad lad was knocked-out three times in one round – prompting him to send the message: ‘Who do you think you are, Ricky Hatton?’

His opponent replied: ‘Actually I’m Floyd Mayweather.’

After the bout on the Fight Night 3 game the pair chatted over the console’s headphones.

George said: ‘I can’t believe it. I went a round with one of the best boxers in the world – and he knocked the granny out of me. He was taunting me like Muhammad Ali.’

George from Belvedere, Kent, said ‘I didn’t believe him at first but he started talking about his family and his fights and everything.’

Retired six-time World Boxing Champion Floyd also sent George personal pictures and messages.

The American is unbeaten in 39 fights and is the only man to knock-out Hatton.

Last night boxing agent Kevin Lueshing confirmed:” Floyd is mad on these computer games and plays them all the time.’

Golfer, 12, sinks two holes-in-one.

A 12-year-old golfer has been dubbed ‘Tiny Woods’ after sinking two holes in one – in a week.

Ben Robinson got his first hole in one at the Vale Golf Club in Pershore, Worcs, last Thursday and then repeated the feat on Sunday, reports the Daily Mail.

The youngster, who has been playing since he was two, is now hot on the heels of his dad Jeremy, a professional golfer who has notched up five holes in one.

His coach at the club, Stuart Archibald, said: ‘I’ve been a playing golf since I was three. I am now 33 and I’ve had one hole in one.

‘For one little young whipper snapper to do this in a week it’s a bit annoying.

‘His technique is brilliant for such a small lad. When he is older he will have more strength. Who knows, he could be the next Tiger Woods!’

Ben said: ‘I am just overjoyed. I was so excited the first time that when it happened the second time I was just over the moon.

‘It was funny to see my dad’s face when I scored the second hole in one. He just looked shocked. He just couldn’t believe it.’

Proud Jeremy, 42, said: ‘I’m so pleased for him. He has become a bit of a celebrity at the golf club. To get one hole in one at his age is amazing but to get two is just incredible.’



True Story

Calling All Females


The loudest insect in the world is the male cicadas, which are
like crickets. When they rub their abdomens, the sound made can
be heard from 1300 feet.

What has two pairs of wings, six segments to their abdomen,
three eyes and a three-jointed beak? Oh, and it can be heard ¼
of a mile away when calling their ladylove.

It’s the common cicada, which has a drum-like covering on its
stomach that vibrates to make the noise that attracts females.
The drumming as it’s called, varies in tone and intensity,
according to the temperature, and time of day. If the
temperature drops too low, the cicada is stuck where they are,
with a system too sluggish to fly. On the other hand, they are
free flying in temperatures as high as 115F.

North America boasts 100 of the 1500 known species worldwide.
The males perch in treetops over the summer, or June to
September, and produce various clicks, buzzes and drums, to
attract mates. Females will lay their eggs in the splits along a
branch (which damages many bushes and plants), and when the
young hatch, the larvae drop off and burrow into the ground for
various periods.

In one of those odd quirks of nature, the cicada comes in
various time periods, or life cycles. Some will stay underground
for only a year, while the species that stays dormant for 17
years, is believed to be the longest living insect in the world,
next to female termites.


True Story 2

Any Way You Cut It

The hydra, which is related to the jellyfish, can re-grow its body in a couple of days, if it’s cut in half.

If familiar at all to the public, a hydra is a creature out of Greek mythology, a many-headed snakelike water creature that re-grows its heads when severed. Oddly enough, although the myth was born 2,000 years ago, there is a real hydra with similar properties, although it’s nowhere near the size nor nature of the myth. A hydra is a simple, microscopic water life form, tube shaped, with a foot at one end, and a tiny mouth opening surrounded by tentacles at the other. In fact, the whole creature is tiny, measuring as little as 1/25th of an inch to 4/5ths of an inch. What makes it big news, is the fact that when cut in half, not only does the hydra continue to live, its two sections form into two new hydras.

In the 1800s, scientists who had managed to focus rudimentary microscopes on the hydra, theorized that if you pressed them against a material like cheesecloth, it would separate the creature into many sections which would then re-arrange themselves into a single hydra again. There are no actual records of this having been done, and it’s not an experiment that has been repeated successfully since that time. But in their suppositions, they were actually partially correct.

The cell structure of the hydra is such that a process called morphallaxis allows them to reorganize cells of tissue that already exists in the body as a whole. Thus, a hydra cut in two with a head on one section, re-grows a new foot, and the other section re-grows a new head, creating two separate hydras. This process is different from that of epimorphosis, in which an organism re-grows a limb or body part through cellular proliferation and differentiation.

True Story 3

What A Crock.

Estuarine crocodiles are the biggest of all 26 species of the crocodilian family.  

They lurked in the same primordial swamps from which many of the ancestors of today’s animals first crawled out, only to die in the great Ice Age, or whatever it was that knocked off the dinosaur population. ‘They’, are crocodiles, reptiles that have slithered in and out of the waters in both American continents, China, Africa, New Guinea, Australia, Madagascar and Pakistan, for the last 200 million years. And they’re the largest reptiles on Earth.

How big are they? That depends on which of the approximately two dozen existing species that a ‘croc’ belongs to. The largest acknowledged crocodile is the Estuarian, or saltwater croc, averaging 12-14 feet. But that’s not as big as they can grow.

Researchers have determined that both genetics and environment can play a part in how big a problem a crocodile can become. There are some captive examples that are whoppers unlikely to be seen in the wild again, due to the over-hunting by man. These large size lizards reach great lengths due to having optimal conditions in their environment, and a ready supply of food.

Gomek, a long-time resident of the St. Augustine Alligator Farm in Florida, was 17.9 feet long at his death in 1997, when he was estimated to be 70-80 years old. Burt, who resides in Darwin, Australia, is a mere 16 feet long.

The acknowledged king of crocs, is Yai, listed in the Guinness World Book of Records at 19 feet, 8 inches, and weighing 2480 pounds. His enormous size is all the more amazing for his age, which is estimated at only 30 years. But he has an edge over your run of the mill pond predator, being a hybrid of the Estuarian and another species of crocodile.



Sam: Would you punish me for something i didn’t do?

Teacher: no, of course not.

Sam: good, because i didn’t do my homework.



Joe Farmer

A Missouri farmer got in his pickup, drove several miles to a neighbouring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the door.

‘Is yer paw home?’ the farmer asked.

‘No sir, he ain’t,’ the boy replied. ‘He went into town.’

‘Well, said the farmer, is yer maw here?’

‘No, sir, she ain’t here neither. She went into town with paw.’

‘How about your brother, Joe, is he here?’

‘He went with maw and paw.’

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

‘Is there anything I can do fer ya?’ the boy asked politely. ‘I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer paw.’

‘Well,’ said the farmer uncomfortably. ‘I really wanted to talk to yer paw. It’s about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.’

The boy considered for a moment. ‘You would have to talk to pa about that’, he finally conceded. ‘If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar hog, but I really don’t know how much he gets fer Joe.



Give Microsoft a chance

Customer: ‘I’m having trouble installing Microsoft Word.’
Tech Support: ‘Tell me what you’ve done.’
Customer: ‘I typed ‘A:SETUP’.’

Tech Support: ‘Ma’am, remove the disk and tell me what it says.’
Customer: ‘It says ‘[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk’.’

Tech Support: ‘Insert the MS Word set-up disk.’
Customer: ‘What?’

Tech Support: ‘Did you buy MS word?’
Customer ‘No…’

Dial Tone
Tech Support: ‘Thank you for calling. May I have your phone number beginning with area code first, please?’
There was a pregnant pause, then a series of touch tones.

Tech Support: ‘Hello? I need your phone number, please.’
More touch tones.

Tech Support: ‘Hi, can you hear me?’
Customer: ‘Yes.’

Tech Support: ‘Great, then can you please tell me your phone number so I can pull up your file?’
More touch tones.

Tech Support: ‘Sir, what’s your name?’
Customer: Malcolm
Tech Support: ‘Great, now can you tell me your phone number?’
Touch tones again.

Tech Support: ‘Please, tell me your phone number.’
Customer: ‘Again?’

Tech Support: ‘Yes sir, if you don’t mind, but can you please just tell me verbally?’
Touch tones yet again.

Tech Support: ‘Sir, contrary to popular opinion, support is not half machine. I’ll need you to verbally tell me your phone number with your mouth so I can bring up your account info, got it?’
Customer: ‘You people are rude as well as incompetent.’


Wrong Number
The telephone rang in the stately home of Lord Armstrong in North Yorkshire, England and his butler answered the call.

‘It’s me. Please go to my wife’s bedroom and tell her that I’ll be home late from the club.’
I’m sorry, Milord, her ladyship is already asleep.’

‘Then wake her and tell her, while I hold the ‘phone,’ the caller demanded.
‘Yes, Sir,’ the butler replied.

The butler returned and said, ‘My Lord, her ladyship’s door was locked, and when I knocked, a man’s voice told me to go hell.’

The caller then ordered gruffly, ‘Damn them! Get a rifle from my collection, break down the door, and shoot them both.’

‘Yes, Sir,’ the butler responded.

A few minutes later, the butler returned to the ‘phone and reported, ‘My Lord, I tried my best. I killed your wife, but as I was about to shoot the man, he jumped through the window and into the garden, and ran away.’

The confused caller then said, ‘Eh, what garden? There’s no garden next to my bedroom window.’

‘In that case, Sir, I am afraid you dialled a wrong number.  Good day.’

Care for the Mother-in-law

A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, ‘You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150.’

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, ‘Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only £150?’

The man replied, ‘a man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three dayslater he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.

Where is God

A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed, and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, ‘Where is God?’

They boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question. ‘Where is God?’ Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, ‘Where is God!?’

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, ‘What happened?’

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, ‘We are in big trouble this time! God is missing and they think we did it!’

New Discovery

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named ‘Administratium’. Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons,and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called ‘morons,’ which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called ‘peons.’

Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can easily be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than an hour.

Administratium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization, in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Administratium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons forming ‘isodopes’.’This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as ‘CriticalMorass.’

Real Corny Country Songs

Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye

(Pardon Me) I’ve Got Someone To Kill

If I Had A Nose Full Of Nickels, I’d Blow Them All On You.

I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2

If The Jukebox Took Teardrops I’d Cry All Night Long

I Don’t Know Whether To Come Home Or Go Crazy

Her Body Couldn’t Keep You Off My Mind

Her Cheatin’ Heart Made A Drunken Fool Out Of Me

Out Of My Head And Back In My Bed

You’re A Cross I Can’t Bear

It Don’t Feel Like Sinnin’ To Me

I’m Gettin’ Gray From Being Blue

I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You

You Hurt The Love Right Out Of Me

Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)

Heaven’s Just A Sin Away

She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart

Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed

You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart

If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I’d Find On You

I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

If Whiskey Were A Woman I’d Be Married For Sure

It Ain’t Love But It Ain’t Bad

I’ve Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart

She Feels Like A New Man Tonight

I May Be Used (But Baby I Ain’t Used Up)

I’m The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised

If Drinkin’ Don’t Kill Me Her Memory Will

Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart

If You Can’t Feel It (It Ain’t There)

Touch Me With More Than Your Hands

I’ve Got The Hungries For Your Love And I’m Waiting In Your Welfare Line

The Last Word In Lonesome Is ‘Me’

Do You Love As Good As You Look

I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonite

When We Get Back To the Farm (That’s When We Really Go To Town)

My Shoes Keep Walkin’ Back to You

You Stuck My Heart In a Old Tin Can and Shot It Off a Log

And There Was Grandma, Swingin’ on the Outhouse Door, Without a Shirt On

How Can I Miss You When You Won’t Go Away?

He’s Been Drunk Since His Wife’s Gone Punk!

A Homeless Man

A man was walking down a street in New York when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, ‘If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?’

No, I had to stop drinking years ago,’ the homeless man replied.

‘Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?’ the man asked.

‘No, I don’t gamble,’ the homeless man said. ‘I need everything I can get just to stay alive.’

‘Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?’ the man asked.

‘Are you NUTS!’ replied the homeless man. ‘I haven’t played golf in 20 years!’

‘Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?’ the man asked.

‘What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?!!’ exclaimed the homeless man.

‘Well,’ said the man, ‘I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.’

The homeless man was astounded.

‘Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.’

The man replied, ‘That’s okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who’s given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex.’








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