Sarsfields Newsletter

THE SASH Tuesday  6th January 2009

The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.

Leinster GAA News
 
GAA unveils hi-tech system for keeping members up to date

 By Donnchadh Boyle

 THE GAA has unveiled an ambitious new project designed to streamline the
communications process at every level of the association.

After almost three years of planning, research and consultation, a
partnership with technology giant Google was announced before Christmas which
will see the information flow throughout the GAA become more focused and
relevant to the individual.

The three-phase programme, which coincides with the 125th anniversary of
the association, will be rolled out as part of the Strategic Vision and
Action plan and is aimed at encouraging greater communication across the
board.

Among the features is an individual e-mail address for each and every
member of the association where they will be able to access a host of
information including their club’s fixtures and results for that season
at the click of a mouse.

User-friendly

The GAA’s website will also be updated and become more user-friendly
while there will also be an intranet that will allow specific levels
within the GAA to communicate directly with each other, as Aoghan
Farrell, chairman of Croke Park’s IT committee explained.

‘This has been a three-year project,’ said the Cavan native.

‘Our market research showed us that a lot of units communicate with its
members in the same way.

‘So for example, all the members of a trade union receive the same
newsletter they may be only mildly interested in whereas we wanted each
member to access information that is specific to them.

‘So for example, as a member of any club you can log into your e-mail
and look at your calendar of games and it will tell you exactly when you
are due to play.

‘This information will be uploaded by the relevant county board and will
be accessible to any member of that club.

‘It will also streamline the whole process so if Croke Park wants to
send something that is specific to county chairmen — or any other level
for that matter — it can, rather than having to go through the
secretary first as would have been the norm.

‘There is also information that does not necessarily need to be made
publicly available but that needs to get to certain levels.

‘It cuts down the workload and ensures the people who get the message
are the people that it is intended for.’

An in-built text alert service will also be part of the package where
clubs can send messages to its members.

A large number of clubs throughout the country already employ a similar
system but, according to Farrell, this will be the cheapest option
available to units as the GAA were able to negotiate a price of less
than three cent per text.

The text alerts are the only part of the new system that clubs will be
asked to pay for (should they decide to use it) as the rest of bill for
the project will be picked up by HQ.

In another development, disciplinary information on individuals will
also be centralised, allowing councils to view a member’s history at
each level of the game.

The move should cut out a significant amount of paperwork and make sure
the player receives a fairer hearing in light of his or her record.

Croke Park will be responsible for the day-to-day running of the system
with Google providing technological back-up.

‘That Google are involved gives the project real credit,’ Farrell
enthused.

‘They are world leaders in this area. That an amateur organisation can
get involved with them is unheard of.

‘Indeed, there are many professional organisations that would like to
have them on board. And remember, they are a worldwide body and we have
units across the world too who will also really benefit from this.’

The IT committee has a number of in-house trainers who will provide
workshops to help units adapt to the new system, though Farrell was keen
to stress the system was extremely easy to use and would benefit the
association in the short, medium and long term.

‘We are delighted to be working with Google,’ said GAA president Nickey
Brennan. ‘This relationship ensures that the GAA can now utilise
world-class technologies to enable enhanced communications and sharing
of information between individuals, our units at all levels plus the
general public.’

 
Grand Vision is all well and good but GAA must not lose sight of present

 LAST month, after consulting over 8,000 people, the GAA unveiled a roadmap for its future.

In compiling the six-year Strategic Vision Action Plan, the underlying aim was to keep all shoulders to the wheel in pushing every aspect of Gaelic games.

Many positives were outlined in the report: there’s been a general increase in membership, volunteers and playing numbers; infrastructure is clearly improving and the GAA is playing its part in social integration.

The new bible was well-laid out and easy to understand, practical and realistic — if a little dull and lacking in imagination — and came not long after the signing of lucrative TV and sponsorship deals and a favourable brand review. Throw in packed houses every summer, huge streams of revenue from the temporary leasing of Croke Park and the GAA’s long-term health looks assured.

But there are other, more pressing threats to their well-being. We have identified areas of concern, which need immediate attention, and if they are not dealt with quickly and effectively, the Strategic Vision Plan won’t realise half of its potential. After all, there’s no harm in having a vision for the future but the great menace to looking ahead is that you lose track of the present.

THE CORK SAGA

FOR a start, does anyone really think this saga will sort itself without the involvement of Croke Park? Officials there will say it’s a local matter, but it’s a serious blow at the highest level too which makes it Croke Park’s business.

What happens when Christy Cooney takes office next April and his county is still at loggerheads? Imagine the embarrassment. This may a domestic struggle but if the GAA is being besmirched, Croke Park needs to get its head out of the sand and get stuck in.

Already in Donegal, Wexford and Waterford, players have shown their displeasure with team managers and boards and if the GAA feel the Cork hurlers are the only militants around, they’re wrong.

We’ve only seen the start of player power. Croke Park would be well advised to draw up a template to handle the domestic spats we’re bound to see in the next few years. And to start, they need to get involved in the problem-solving mechanisms on Leeside.

FIXTURES

There are too many independent republics when it comes to fixture-making. County boards and provincial councils who do not have certain games played by a specified date should be fined heavily.

Look at the mess we had this year. In Wexford, just 24 hours after defeating Gusserane to capture their first Wexford SFC since 2003, Kilanerin were expected to face off against Navan O’Mahony’s in a provincial clash but they pulled out. It was up to the county board to get the club championships run off on time but the only championship match Kilanerin had all summer was the Wednesday night after Wexford played Dublin.

Meanwhile, the Waterford football championship finally came to an end the week before Christmas, as did the Ulster football championship. It’s simply too late in the year for players to be playing such important fixtures.

Last summer, eight football counties were eliminated from the senior football championship on July 19. Another eight were gone 14 days afterwards. It meant that over half the teams in the country had six months to wait for the next competitive game.

Maybe it’s time to get rid of third-level competitions and the interprovincials to help alleviate the backlog.

Counties who haven’t already done so, must now set aside a second ground to reduce the number of postponed National League games which will help but more needs to be done to prevent the GAA calendar from being so lopsided. At the moment, it’s train all winter, play a few league games, train all summer to play your most important games in the muck and dirt again. It’s just not good enough.

SCHOOLS CUTBACKS

The GAA were quick off the mark calling on education minister Batt O’Keeffe to have a rethink on the elimination of substitute teachers.

While there have been assurances which will safeguard current practices to the end of the school year, the issue hasn’t gone away. Most young players cultivate their love of Gaelic games in primary and secondary schools but games will be impossible to arrange if these cutbacks are eventually implemented as sub teachers won’t be employed to cover the regular ones away with teams. Many schools would be forced to consider their participation in tournaments as there would no longer be cover available for teachers who take teams.

Croke Park may ultimately be helpless to stop this but they have to present a united front. They have to lobby against this and use all their influence. Their very existence is undermined by this plan.


SHORTAGE OF REFEREES

THE GAA will have to fine clubs if they want the situation to improve. Abuse of officials is especially rampant at club level, so little wonder it’s there at the top level too.

Teams from U16 upwards should nominate a captain to deal specifically with the referee. Clubs will have to suffer financially until they get their house in order.

In Wicklow, there are reports of a 25 per cent increase in the number of mentors and officials being dealt with by the CCC; a trend which can be seen across the whole land. Managers slate referees Sunday after Sunday and constant rule changes don’t help the men in the middle endear themselves to the public either. A respect for referees campaign mightn’t be a bad idea.

THE OFFICIAL GUIDE

IT’S out of date, hard to read and too long. The GAA need to write a new one and former Leinster Council chairman Liam O’Neill is the man to spearhead it.

O’Neill has already expressed an interest in the project and he would strive to create a new guide in modern language. Legal people with strong GAA backgrounds should be involved. The current rulebook is a joke and needs to be done away with. There are too many loopholes to be found in the rules and they quickly need to be closed off.

RURAL PROBLEMS

MANY rural-based clubs are struggling to keep going and are helplessly playing their last card — amalgamation, a last resort for any club which usually doesn’t work.

The problems? It’s nigh on impossible to build a house in country regions anymore. People are not being given planning permission in their native parishes.

The whole fabric of the GAA lies in the community but people are now being forced to move into suburban areas and a little bit of the local club’s heart is lost along the way. The decline is fast gathering momentum and it seems to be Government policy to drive people into urban areas. In turn, rural playing pools are getting smaller.

The GAA have to use their clout, present their concerns and findings to the Dail and will have to seek change in the National Development Plan.

 GAA Braced for Downturn

 
By Colm O’Connor

THE GAA will undertake a major belt-tightening exercise next season in an attempt to find savings of €6m.

The global economic downturn is expected to hit Ireland hard next year and the Association chiefs are already planning for a worst case scenario.

Delegates at a weekend Central Council meeting were warned that the recession will impact hugely on sporting organisations next year with falling revenue across the board and targeted a €6m cost cutting exercise in the New Year.

Sources predict that attendance figures could drop by as much as 10% in the All-Ireland hurling and football championships but despite such concerns, Association officials remain steadfast in their decision not to increase admission prices in 2009.

The decision to abolish replays for first-round championship games could also be a blow to the coffers but delegates agreed that their would be no U-turn on this either. The economic slowdown will also mean fewer major conferences in Croke Park next year, another blow to the Croke Park money-men.

However Croke Park will not be dipping into the millions earned from the opening of Croke Park to other sports while Lansdowne Road is being reconstructed. Rental per game is approximately €1.35m, yielding an average of €10m a year.

However sources insist that the all of this money is ring-fenced for clubs, county boards and provincial councils.

Each county will receive €250,000 specifically for clubs. Committees are currently working on proposals which must be reviewed by national bosses before the monies can be drawn down. A separate scheme will be available for county and provincial projects.

Despite the doom and gloom there was some good news with Croke Park’s debt in the region of €15m.

“The GAA has never been better financially, now we must ensure we stay that way,” said a source.

Meanwhile Munster Council chairman Jimmy O’Gorman is “strongly considering” a request from Tipperary to hold the 2009 Munster senior hurling final in Thurles as part of the GAA’s 125th anniversary celebrations.

O’Gorman has confirmed that Premier County officials are anxious to host the provincial showpiece at Semple Stadium and the Waterford native believes that existing ‘home and away’ arrangements could be parked for a year to accommodate the request.

During the course of his address to Tipperary annual convention last Sunday, outgoing chairman John Costigan issued a fresh appeal to Munster Council for the right to stage the provincial final. Costigan paid tribute to Semple Stadium chairman Con Hogan and looked forward to February’s historic floodlit showdown with Cork.

Costigan added: “Let’s hope as part of the 125-year anniversary celebrations of the founding of the GAA in the Cathedral Town that Munster Council will honour us by staging the provincial hurling final of 2009 in the Association birth place.”

As things stand, the redeveloped Semple Stadium will house all of next year’s Munster senior championship games, with the possible exception of a Clare v Tipp semi-final.

No venue for the Munster final has been set but O’Gorman said: “That request from Tipperary is before us and it’s a matter that we will look at very shortly. I would expect a decision before convention in February and I can certainly see merit in the proposal.

“The Centenary All-Ireland final (1984) was played there and though the situation with ‘home and away’ agreements is a bit complex, if the Council were to agree to Tipperary’s request, I’m sure that ‘home and away’ arrangements would be shelved for the year. But it’s a matter for the Council and the counties.”


 Kildare’s National League Fixtures for 2009.

Kildare kick off their Division 2, 2009 League campaign  on Sunday February 1st, away to Laois at 2-30pm  On Sunday, Feb 15th, Kildare are host to Cork; Sunday, March 8th, Leinster finalists Wexford will be in St. Conleth’s Park; March, 15th, Kildare are away to Monaghan;  Sunday March 22nd,  Kildare are at home to Armagh; Sunday March 29th, away to Fermanagh; and Sunday, April 12th away to Meath in the final league game. For those supporters planning the annual away trip the game against Fermanagh looks like the likely one.

O’Byrne Cup.

Ciaran McGeeney gets a chance further chance to try out new players next Sunday when Kildare take on Meath in Newbridge after defeating Wexford on Sunday in the O’Byrne Cup  last by 1-12 to 0-9

Sarsfields Fundraising Draw.

Tickets are still available  for the club’s fundraising draw priced at €60 or two for €100. The draw will take place in the Clubhouse on Saturday January31st. 1^st prize is a Fiat Punto, 2^nd prize a €3,500 Holiday Voucher, 3^rd prize a 46” Flatscreen TV and 4^th prize of €1000 cash..

More Stupid Quotes.

‘Pitching is 80% of the game.  The other half is hitting and fielding.’
– Mickey Rivers, baseball player

‘I’d rather be dead than singing ‘Satisfaction’ when I am forty-five.’
– Mick Jagger, before he turned 45

‘I’m a 4-wheel-drive pickup type of guy. So is my wife.’
– Mike Greenwell, Baseball player

‘It’s got lots of installation.’
– Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, describing his new coat

‘Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it.’
– Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant.

‘I’m convinced the Beatles are partly responsible for the fall of Communism.’
– Milos Forman, Film director

‘I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were ever supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.’
– Miss Alabama, in the 1994 Miss Universe contest, when asked if   she would want to live forever.

‘Peru score their third, and it’s 3-1 to Scotland.’ David Coleman, BBC, 1978 World Cup finals.

‘And in the other group match, Uruguay and Spain drew love-all’ – Female announcer.

‘Apart from their goals, Norway haven’t scored’ – Terry Venables

‘He dribbles a lot and the opposition don’t like it – you can see it all over their faces’  – Ron Atkinson

‘Batistuta gets most of his goals with the ball’ – Ian St John.

‘The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.’
– Murray Walker, Sports commentator.

‘Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds – totally against the run of play’ Peter Lorenzo.

When Ian Rush transferred from Chester to Liverpool he said, ‘It was like moving to a foreign country’.  People only took notice of Ian’s views when he said a similar thing after he moved from Liverpool to Juventus. ‘I could not settle, it was like being in a foreign country’.

Strange/Bizzare/Quirkie News.

The president of Guyana has asked police to investigate who is impersonating him on Facebook.

The apparent Bharrat Jagdeo page has more than 170 supporters, and features images of the president as well as his biography.

It prompted the government to release a statement to say President Jagdeo was not a Facebook member, reports the BBC.

President Jagdeo’s page has two photograph albums, one of a well-known bridge in Guyana, the Berbice, and the other of international leaders, some with the president.

Only three people have posted messages, including a man who questions whether the profile was authentic.

‘Is this President Bharrat Jagdeo’s personal Facebook? Is it his official one?’ the message reads.

The Guyana government said that officials also discovered that someone had impersonated the president of the South American nation on another social networking site

Last year, a Moroccan was jailed for setting up a Facebook profile in the name of a member of the royal family.

Facebook also removed two bogus profiles of Bilawal Bhutto, son of the murdered Pakistani politician Benazir Bhutto, after an investigation found the entries ‘not authentic’.

A North Yorkshire shopkeeper left his hardware store open on St.Steven’s Day – with an honesty box instead of staff.

Tom Algie wanted to give himself and his three staff the day off but without letting down his customers, reports the Daily Mail.

So he left a note telling shoppers to serve themselves and then leave their payment in the box he had left behind the counter.

When Mr Algie, 47, returned at 4.15pm to close up, he was delighted to find the shop in Settle, had taken £187.66 – and two euros.

The father of two said: ‘I didn’t think twice about leaving the shop open. Settle is a lovely quiet rural town and there’s never any trouble here. I put my faith in my customers and I wasn’t disappointed.

‘It was a spur-of-the-moment decision. I just wanted to spend the holidays with my family but thought it would be quite nice to open up the shop.’

The honesty box – which he dubbed his newest member of staff – was made out of a funnel and plastic cereal box, and put behind the counter at his shop Practically Everything.

His note read: ‘Yes, I have given everyone the day off, including me, so please choose the items you want and place the right money inside, Merry Christmas.’

Customers also left notes saying what goods they had bought and this, combined with a quick check of his stock, confirmed that his trust was not abused.

A Barnsley man has been declared Britain’s unluckiest punter of 2008 after he narrowly missing out on £795,000.

Father of four Paul Greenwood, 52, changed one of 14 soccer teams he backed in a £10 accumulator bet, reports The Sun.

Thirteen won but in the match he switched to, his choice Arsenal only managed adraw while the team he dropped, Manchester United, won.

Bookies William Hill, who awarded him a £1,000 free bet, said: ‘We hope this timehe’s a winner.’

A US woman has been charged with drink driving after she drove to a jail to test a suspected drink driver.

A Carson City sheriff’s deputy smelled alcohol on the breath of Kathleen Cherry, 53, a contract worker for a Nevada sheriff’s department.

She told him she had had one margarita before making the journey but she failed a blood test.

She’s accused of failing field sobriety tests and registering a blood alcohol content over the state’s legal limit, the Nevada Appeal newspaper reported.

Cherry, a phlebotomist trained to draw blood for lab tests, declined to comment after she was charged with drink driving, reports Metro.

True Story.

Charlie Chaplin once lost a contest for a Charlie Chaplin look a like. 

You know you’re having a bad day, when people don’t think you look like yourself. For that’s what happened to silent film star Charlie Chaplin. In a contest for who could best imitate his famous alter ego, the little tramp, Chaplin lagged far behind the winner. The contest, which some reports say took place in Monaco or Switzerland, was actually held in San Francisco. (Other undocumented reports say that his brother Sydney won the contest.) Chaplin didn’t even make the finals. But in one contest held in Cleveland, a clever young comedian named Bob Hope took home top prize.

The character of the Little Tramp, was inspired by the poverty of Chaplin’s early life in London, England. His father and mother, both in show business, divorced when he was quite young, leaving his mother to eke out a living at sewing for him and his half-brother, Sydney. During his mother’s periodic bouts in an asylum, the children were sent to the Workhouse, a public charitable institution for the indigent. But at the age of nine, Charlie had the chance to tour with a stage company, where he met an amusing compatriot named Stan Laurel.

From then on, he never looked back. Chaplin’s entry into show business was low-key, but would soon take the world by storm, with his creation of the Little Tramp in 1914. As his popularity soared, he began dabbling

in other aspects of the movie world, both writing and directing. His last Little Tramp movie came out in 1932, and his last movie ever, in which he had a cameo as a hotel porter, was A Countess in Hong Kong, starring Sophia Loren and Marlon Brando in 1967. Chaplin was 78 at the time.

True Story 2.

The Immigrant In The Harbor

The Statue of Liberty, that most famous symbol representing America and freedom from oppression, is an immigrant herself, lighting the way for all those who came after her, in 1886.

In a fevered pitch to celebrate their Centennial, American politicians decided on a statue of immense proportions that would represent the freedom of their country, and its open arms policy for immigrants. France threw in their lot, and promised to create the statue as a gift to the American people for their history of cooperation. The United States would be responsible for building the base.

But alas, like many a project, money became a problem on both sides of the Atlantic. Costs soared, even in the 19th century, despite the various fund-raising efforts in the United States and France. Work progressed at a snail’s pace, and while planned for unveiling in 1876, it was nowhere near complete. In fact, the head and some other portions where displayed in Paris, France in 1878, because at that point, it was all they had.

Sculptor Frederick Auguste Bartholdi had partnered with architect Gustave Eiffel, the designer of the Eiffel Tower, to create the majestic figure. He designed the actual statue, while Eiffel attended to the practical side of things, such as how to support such immense weight. As a result, the figure was created in sections, through a technique known as repousse, where thin sheets of copper are hammered onto wooden forms. Those plates would then be laid over the skeleton built by Eiffel.

It was finished in the summer of 1884, and shipped to America a year later, in 350 pieces, packed into 214 crates. The pedestal, with its four anchoring girders, would not be finished until Spring of 1886. The statue was dedicated later that year.

Sports Quirkies.

Footballer David Pratt has written his name in the record books for the wrong reasons after getting the world’s fastest-ever red card.

The 21-year-old striker for non-league Chippenham was sent off after three seconds for a lunge at Bashley’s Christopher Knowles, 22, reports The Sun.

Bashley boss Steve Riley said: ‘It was a potential leg-breaker.’

Chippenham secretary George McCaffrey admitted: ‘You could normally not meet a more milder man – but David lost it on this occasion.’

The match in Bashley, Hants, ended 2-1 to the home side.

Bologna’s Giuseppe Lorenzo held the record at ten seconds. Sheffield Wednesday goalie Kevin Pressman lasted 13 seconds against Wolves in 2000.

Brit beats NBA star

An Englishman wearing jeans and a v-neck jumper neat a US basketball star in a one-on-one contest that has become a YouTube hit.

NBA star Devin Harris was challenged by amateur Stuart Tanner, 28, from Surrey, during a coaching clinic in London, reports the Daily Telegraph.

Harris, who was in the capital with his team, the New Jersey Nets, to play Miami Heat at the O2 arena, was stunned when Tanner twice left him for dead to score.

After blocking the American’s shot, Tanner sold him a dummy to score with his first effort, before amazingly nutmegging the NBA star to create space for his second shot.

The display was captured on film by Tanner’s brother Greg, and has now been viewed nearly three million times on the video-sharing website YouTube.

The clip, recorded at a court in Stockwell, south London, captures Harris’s good-natured reaction to the Briton’s skills.

‘Man did you see how fast he was? He tricked me. He hustled me on my own court!’ he says. ‘He might be able to get an NBA contract. We might need to sign him up tonight.’

Tanner, from Thames Ditton, is a part-time basketball coach who gave up playing seriously five years ago after failing to make the grade with the Milton Keynes Lions.

‘It was a bit embarrassing for him as you shouldn’t ever really get beaten like that but he took it really well and was very nice about it,’ he said.

‘I never made it as a professional and all of a sudden everyone is talking about me, which is amazing.’

A small Cornish rugby club is taking on the mighty New Zealand – over the right to use the name All Blacks. Launceston, known as the Cornish All Blacks, has applied to the British Patent Office to register the name as a trademark. But their famous namesakes are trying to kick the bid into touch, reports The Sun.

They have written to the club twice asking them to withdraw their application and now threaten legal action.

Launceston, who play in National League Two, have been known as the Cornish All Blacks since they were formed in 1948.

It is believed the name came from wartime blackout curtains being used to make their first strip.

Club president Tony Randel said: ‘It has got pretty heavy. We punch above our weight for a club from a small town, but we are basically a small Cornish club and we don’t have the sort of money to fight a legal campaign.’

The New Zealand All Blacks, rated the world’s No 1 team, said contracts with sponsors forced them to take action against anyone exploiting the All Blacks name.

Humour.

Mr Sarsfields, Eric Thorpe Rallies the Troops for 2009.

Mr Sarsfields, Eric Thorpe descendent of the Great Patrick Sarsfields sits quietly upstairs in the clubhouse in his luxurious new office contemplating his speech that he is preparing for the troops to rally them to the cause for 2009. Behind his large oak desk is a huge portrait of Patrick Sarsfields in his regimental uniform flanked by two large Sarsfields flags. Below the portrait of his ancestor are photos of Eric’s beloved greyhounds. Below them are photos of the championship winning teams that Eric was associated with when he was a just lowly Maor Uisce before his discovery that he was related to the Great one Patrick Sarsfields. He smiles at his rise to power through the ranks of the Sash now that he outranks them all.

As he presses a button on the newly installed intercom system to summon his faithful servant, Christy Horan he pulls a fat Cuban cigar from a box conveniently placed nearby by his manservant Christy when he had earlier delivered Eric’s morning coffee. To his right is a bust of himself supplied and commissioned by Tony Donohoe Trophies that he admires as he lights up and puffs contentedly having put the finishing touches to his speech. Silently Christy appears, as his feet make no noise in the thick plush green carpet with the diagonal white stripe. “Yes Mr Sarsfields, what can I do for you”? says his manservant obsequiously. “Just a minute Christy I’m on the phone with my agent Michael O’Conner. “Ok Summon Gerry Hoey for me at once”, says Mr Sarsfields as he finishes his phone call.. “Certainly Mr Sarsfields” says Christy giving his master a slight curtsey before silently disappearing in search of Gerry.

A few minutes later Gerry pops his head around the door. “Yes boss what’s bleedin’ up”? “Firstly you did a great job on my new intercom system”. “Thanks boss” “Now what’s the story with the Mutt McDonnell. Did the electric shock treatment work. Did you get anything out of him, the interloper trying to wheedle his way in here to find out my plans for 2009”. “No boss we got bleedin’ nothing from him I even tried to fry his ba..”. “Spare me the details Gerry. When I delegate a task to you I just want the job done and don’t require details unless I specifically ask ok”. “Ok boss, you’re the boss”. “How many times have I asked you Gerry to address me by my proper title”. “Right boss, I mean Mr Sarsfields”.  “Ok tell the Mutt he can go but that I don’t want to see him skulking around here again. Tell him to stay where he belongs in Neeson’s funeral parlour with the rest of his faction. If they want to tear themselves apart over their manager’s reappointment then that’s their business. Of course you’ll realise that this rift in the encampment at the edge of the Curragh in Allen Parish is a direct result from my tactical brilliance in the Championship semi-final”. “Sure bleedin’ do boss”.says Gerry

“And you know that I intend to take advantage of their disarray caused by my divide and conquer policy” “Yes boss”, says Gerry hoping that he isn’t in for another military style lecture as Eric is wont to do since he discovered that he is related to the great Patrick Sarsfields and declared himself the supreme leader of the club. He’s bleedin’ delusional thinks Gerry. Anyways who was this bleedin’ Patrick Sarsfield.? “Right Gerry here’s €50”.  “Oh  ta very much boss” “It’s not for you. Give it to Christy and tell him to go to down to Cosgrove’s in my greyhound carrier cum mobile security patrol vehicle and get some nuts for my beloved greyhounds from Kevin Brennan. And get a report from Kevin on what’s happening behind enemy lines. And tell Christy to deliver another 50 copies of my best selling book, A history of Sarsfields to my agent Michael O’Conner in Centra.” “Right ye bleedin’ are boss. Will do”

When Gerry leaves Eric walks around to the front of his massive desk and starts to practise his speech. “Friends, Sashmen  Sashwomen, Newbridgemen, lend me your ears, give me your hearts. I come here not to praise the Moors but to bury them”. Eric imagines the rapturous applause his opening lines will be greeted by. The pure Shakespearean power of his oratory will have the hairs standing on the backs of their necks. “Thanks to me we cut the enemy off at the pass, dispersed them on the four winds across the Curragh plains last September where they now seek shelter in the foothills of the Hill of Allen and around the villages of Robertstown and Milltown”. More rapturous applause imagined.  “Though that was just the opening salvo in the war against our arch enemy since we must get ready for another momentous year in the history of my great club and your great club through your association with me the only descendent of our Great Patrick Sarsfields. Our goal is to reach the Hill of Tara, the summit of Leinster and go beyond what the enemy have achieved. To paraphrase the words of our glorious 1916 leaders, Moorefield’s difficulties are our opportunities.”  The applause now reverberates throughout Mr Sarsfields’ great hall as Eric imagines himself as Patrick Sarsfields, Napolean, De Valera  John F Kennedy and Martin Luther King all rolled into one such is the mesmerising effect his powerful and emotional oratory is having on his audience. Although not in his speech he now decides to paraphrase JFK. “Ask Not what I can do for you but what you can do for me, for my great ancestor Patrick Sarsfield. For it is through my direct lineage to the Great Patrick Sarsfield that I have been given a noble vision for this my great club. I have a dream. Yes I have a dream. I have a great dream. I have seen the mountaintop”. More rapturous applause from the faithful. “I have appointed a new lieutenant to be at my side for the forthcoming battles. Through my authority and my strategies he will prepare the troops. Is not that correct Hugh.?”. “That is so Mr Sarsfields, I am honoured to be chosen by you and I will be guided by your wisdom in all matters relating the team, er I mean the troops”. “Thank you Hugh, you know what’s expected of you”.

“Now I want ye all to join with me in singing the Sash my ancestor wore”. Eric beams benignly as the faithful began to sing the song that was especially written for him by Ben Reilly on the back of a fag packet after he consumed a bucket load of pints one night.  Eric drifts off into a reverie and hears the crowd chanting his name Eric, Eric, Eric. Such adulation. He is overcome with emotion as the tears stream down his face. Suddenly he hears a knocking from a far and the audience has now merged into one voice calling Eric, Eric, Eric. Eric begins to come out of his reverie and is completely disoriented when he sees Christy knocking at his mobile security patrol vehicle cum greyhound carrier shouting his name and to his horror discovers that his face is not wet from his joyous tears but from his number one security patrol greyhound licking and drooling all over his face from the passenger seat.

Customs

A young woman on a flight   asked the Priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favour?’

‘Of course child. What may I do for you?’

‘Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?’

‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.’

‘With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.’

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.


The official asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’



‘From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.’


The official thought this answer strange, so asked, ‘And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?’

‘I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.’

Roaring with laughter, the official said, ‘Go ahead, Father. Next!’

Game Show Gaffes

• UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
  Bamber Gascoigne: What was Ghandi’s first name?
  Contestant: Goosey, Goosey?
• THE WEAKEST LINK
  Anne Robinson: In traffic, what ‘ J’ is where two roads meet?
  Contestant: Jool carriageway.
• Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
  Contestant: Bombay.
• Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
  Contestant: Crocodiles.
• Anne Robinson: In olden times,! what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
  Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.
• Anne Robinson: Which Indian leader, whose last name began with ‘G’ took the title Mahatma?
  Contestant: Geronimo
• Eamonn Holmes: What’s the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?
  Contestant: William Shakespeare.
• BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE
  Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
  Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
•  BBC Radio Bristol

            Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
            Contestant: Japan

           Chris Searle: In case you did not hear me say European, I can let you try again.
           Contestant: Mexico? 

Family Fortunes with Les Dennis

· Name a bird with a long Neck?  , Naomi Campbell