THE SASH Tuesday 4th November 2008
The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.
Sarsfields to Lodge Objection over U21 Result.
The Club will today lodge an objection to the County Board regarding the outcome of Saturday’s U21 championship game between Sarsfields and Na Fianna. The objection is based on the assertion that Na Fianna illegally played a substitute. It is the club’s contention that the grounds for appeal are based on the fact that Na Fianna brought on a substitute for a player who was about to be red carded for a striking offence. The club sought advice on the matter over the weekend and senior officials were told that we have a strong case. The appeal will come before the County Board tonight.
Sardfields U21 Champions Dethroned.
U21 Championship Sarsfields 1-8 Na Fianna 2-6
Defending champions Sarsfields were knocked out at the first hurdle in the U21 Championships by Na Fianna in a faced paced, skilful and exciting game in Moorefield on Saturday. With fifteen minutes remaining in the game and leading for the first time since the early minutes of the half Sarsfields appeared to have regained the initiative. At his stage the champions led by a single point 1-8 to 2-4. But it was Na Fianna who played throughout the second half as if they had an extra man instead of Sarsfields as Na Fianna’s corner forward Gavin Smullen had been sent off late in the first half after he received a second yellow card for committing a foul on Sarsfields goalkeeper John Melia. Such was Na Fianna’s second half spirit and determination in the absence of Smullen that Sarsfields slender lead did not appear enough to carry them through their first test and so it proved to be in a thrilling and tense final five minutes.
Sarsfields started very brightly and were 3-0 up after 10 minutes after two points from centre forward Alan Smith and one from corner forward John Geraghty. Incredibly from a position of total dominance within a minute Sarsfields found themselves in arrears. From a free Seamus Hannafin scored the first of his personal tally of 1-5. The kickout was fielded by Ian Fitzgerald who cut through the Sarsfields defence, released the ball quickly to Seamus Hannafin who made no mistake from close range to put Na Fianna 1-1 to 0-3 ahead. A minute later Seamus Hannafin was on hand to stretch Na Fianna’s lead when he scored from another free. Sarsfields midfielder and Captain Gary White reduced the deficit with a well taken point midway through the half. Two Minutes later Sarsfields were back on level terms when John Geraghty scored a free from an acute angle near the sideline. A couple of minutes elapsed before Sarsfields regained the lead when Alan smith scored after he received a pass from Sarsfields centre Back Robbie Confrey who had an outstanding game at the heart of the Sarsfields defence. Confrey made a magnificent catch just behind his midfielders, soled up the field and passed to Alan Smith who shook off the attention of a defender before clinically firing over the bar.
However with five minutes remaining in the half disaster struck for Sarsfields. Two defenders went for a high ball only for it to fall into the grateful hands of Seamus Hannifin who soled for goal, released the ball to Joe Kavanagh who pounced from close range to give Na Fianna a 2-2 to 0-6 lead. A minute later Seamus Hannafin again stretched Na Fianna’s lead to three points before Sarsfields best forward, John Geraghty reduced the deficit and complete the first half scoring to leave Na Fianna leading 2-3 to 0-7 at the break.
Three minutes after the resumption Sarsfields edged ahead through a Conor Tiernan goal. The lead lasted exactly three minutes before Na Fianna’s most dangerous forward Seamus Hannafin equalised from a free directly in front of goal. There was no score for the next nine minutes until John Geraghty again put Sarsfields ahead and it appeared that Sarsfields had weathered the worst of the Na Fianna storm. In fact the respite turned out to be merely an interlude. The scoring dried up again for the next ten minutes as both teams sought to gain the momentum while both defences defended resolutely. The two final and decisive scores of the game came within a minute of each other. Na Fianna’s top scoring forward Seamus Hannafin, an ever present threat to the Sarsfields defence equalised with five minutes remaining. Substitute John O’Sullivan followed up immediately from the kick out to score what proved to be the wining point, as the game appeared to move inexorably out of Sarsfields reach. Sarsfields however, determined not to surrender their title attacked in waves and in a frenetic last five minutes full of courage and skill from both teams Sarsfields had a number of chances to equalise but a combination of missed opportunities and excellent defending personified by Na Fianna’s outstanding defender David Reddy prevented them from doing so.
Best for Sarsfields Alan Smith, Gary White, Robbie Confrey, John Geraghty, Keith Browne. John Kavanagh. Best for Na Fianna, Seamus Hannafin, Declan Reddy, Tom Byrne, Cormac Sullivan, Colm O’Shea.
Sarsfields: John Melia, David Duggan, Steven Lawler, John Kavanagh, Robbie Confrey, Keith Browne, Gary White Capt (0-1) Ciaran Carey, Eoin O’Sullivan, Alan Smith (0-3), Conor Tiernan, John Geraghty (0-4) John Walsh, Declan McKenna.
Subs:Ray Cahill for Ricky Deegan(ht)
Na Fianna: Mark Curran, David Reddy, Sean Dowling, Dave O’Shea, Colm O’Shea, Cormac O’Sullivan, Peter McCabe, Tom Byrne, Ciaran Brennan, Ian Fitzgerald, Seamus Hannafin(1-5) Kevin Harris, Shane Buckley, Joe Kavanagh (1-0) Gavin Smullen. Subs: Kevin Murphy for Ian Fitzgerald (ht)Mick Handley for Dave O’Shea(37)Kevin Dowling for Kevin Murray(50) John Bonny O’Sullivan(0-1) for Ciaran Brennan(52mins)
Ireland Rules Down under!!
By Sash reporters Pauline Kennedy and Mary McCarthy in Melbourne.
Despite a crowd of only 45 thousand in the 120 thousand seated stadium with weather that was more akin to Irish standards than that of Melbourne, Ireland last night wrested the Cormac McAnallen Cup from Australia with a four-point win at the MCG and it was as deserved as it was emphatic.
Australia were down by 18 points in the second quarter, then 14 points at three-quarter time, then rallied to close to within an ‘under’ of victory with just seconds to play.
Drew Petrie’s close-range snap for a six-pointer in the 18th minute put Australia within range, but Ireland’s superior ball-handling skills saw them effortlessly run down the clock.
Considering that the Australians are a well-drilled, well-paid team of professionals, they were well humbled by the passion and the veracity of the Irish.
Australia looked to have settled well in the opening minutes, with Jared’s Brennan opening tap to Brent Harvey setting up a Shaun Burgoyne over after 30 seconds. Sean Cavanagh was being closely tagged by Adam Selwood, and with midfielder Harvey and forward Campbell Brown rampant, Australia was soon leading 15-6. However up stepped Cavanagh with two overs in the last minute of the first term. Then came the goal kicking dramas that have haunted every Australian side.
Four minutes into the second term Michael Firrito’s kick out fell into the hands of Leighton Glynn just 15 metres from goal. He handpassed to Kieran Donaghy, who buried the ball in the left corner of the net. Ten minutes and two entertaining ‘pitch invaders’ later, Enda McGinley waltzed past Nathan Bock on the last line and slammed the ball under Firrito’s right arm for another under. Ireland now led Australia’s by double scores, 36 to 18.
Australia’s Petrie’s pair of overs whittled back the lead before a magical Shaun Burgoyne six-point goal brought the margin back to four points.
Despite two minutes of extra time, Australia failed to muster another scoring attempt and the Irish reigned supreme again!! The atmosphere in the stadium was electric with all the Irish fans singing their hearts out as the Irish team did their well deserved lap of honour. Celebrations went on late in to the night and it could be said there are certain individuals still celebrating!!! Over and out from Down Under – Pauline and Mary!
Thanks Pauline and Mary our intrepid reporters in Melbourne.
Kildare’s National League Fixtures for 2009
Kildare kick off their Division 2, 2009 League campaign on Sunday February 1st, away to Laois at 2-30pm On Sunday, Feb 15th, Kildare are host to Cork; Sunday, March 8th, Leinster finalists Wexford will be in St. Conleth’s Park; March, 15th, Kildare are away to Monaghan; March 22nd, Kildare are at home to Armagh; Sunday March 29th, away to Fermanagh; and Sunday, April 12th away to Meath. For those supporters planning the annual away trip the game against Fermanagh looks like the likely one.
Sarsfields Fundraising Christmas Draw.
Tickets are now on sale for the club’s fundraising draw priced at €60 or two for €100. The draw will take place in the Clubhouse on Saturday the 20th December.1st prize is a Fiat Punto, 2nd prize a €3,500 Holiday Voucher, 3rd prize a 46” Flatscreen TV and 4th prize of €1000 cash..
Coaches Corner.
Nursery Activities
Warm – ups
Warm-up 1
(5 minutes)
Mark out an area of 20 metre squared with cones. Choose
one player to be on. All other players stand on the end line of the square. They must attempt to run to the far line of the square without being caught. If they are caught they must help the catcher. To start the game the catcher calls one player to run, all other players remain on the line. The player can decide to run themselves or they can also call ‘open gates’ whereby everyone must run at the same time. When the players get to the far line they remain there and wait for the next call. The last player to be caught is the winner.
Warm-up 2 Stuck in the mud
(5 minutes)
Divide the group into 2 teams. One team are the taggers and they must try to catch the
other players. If a player is caught they must stand still with their legs apart. They can
be freed by a player on their team if the free player travels through their legs. Reverse
the roles of the teams when all the players are caught or after 4 minutes.
Warm-up 3 Ship, Deck, Shore
(5 minutes)
Mark out three areas on the pitch with cones and assign a name to each area i.e. area 1
is the ship, area 2 is the deck and area 3 is the shore. To start the game the coach
shouts the name of one of the areas and players must run to that area. The last person
to make it to the area is out of the game and must sit out and wait for the next game.
The game continues until there is one winner left.
Please see other warm up activities attached
Stations
1. Finding Space/Agility
2. Zig-zag Running
3. Running & Co-ordination civilized
4. Ball Familiarisation & Bouncing
5. Catching & Ball Handling
6. The Punt Kick
7. “No Man’s Land”
8. The Pick Up
9. The Dribble
10. 5 v 5 Possession Games
Stations (Fundamentals without the football)
Fundamentals – It is important to work on our players fundamental skills from a
young age in order to develop their balance coordination and agility. By doing this
our players, in future years, should adapt and pick up new skills easier. The
fundamentals skills to be looked at are running, dodging, swerving, stopping, falling,
jumping, jogging etc.
STATION 1 FINDING SPACE/AGILITY
(10 minutes)
Mark out an area of domes spaced out randomly. Players must dodge in and out of the
domes without touching them. To make it more difficult get them to keep their heads
up and they cannot follow anyone.
Explore other ways of travelling e.g. skip, hop, jump etc.
Jog sideways (their shoulder leads)
Jog backwards (their back leads, look over your shoulder)
Divide group into 2 groups (One group go to a space and remain stationary,
The other group uses this group as obstacles to dodge in and out of.)
Add ball to challenge further
STATION 2 RUNNING
(10 minutes)
Zig-zag run/relay
Set up 5/6 cones in a zig, zag formation.
Small groups of 4-6 children.
Get the children to run around the outside of the cones (to encourage the dodging skill
(ie. Sidestep) and sprint back up the middle.
Can be ran over a given number of goes for each team member.
Rules for relays
Give groups the name of a County
Teams are encouraged to give vocal support
Each child must finish behind home cone on their hunkers
Lines must be kept straight at all time
STATION 3 RUNNING & CO-ORDINATION
(10 minutes)
Stopping
Run and stop quickly on command. Stopping quickly is a key fundamental skill and
must be taught like any skill.
Progression
Players work in pairs number 1 + 2. Number 1’s move around square changing
pathways – stop quickly and starting at coaches command. Number 2 follows their
movements. Change roles after a period of time.
Statues
Get the children to run around a grid on a signal they must hold a still position for a
few seconds before moving on.
Numbers
Children move around the designated space and when the coach calls a number e.g.
‘3’ they form groups of ‘three’ as quickly as possible.
Shapes
The children jog around the designated area. On the coaches call, they make different
shapes e.g. ‘triangle (they get into 3’s in the shape of a triangle), ‘square’ (they get
into 4’ in the shape of a square).
Key points
Safety: Be aware of others around you.
Use your front foot as a ‘brake’ to stop your body by bending your knee.
Stations (Fundamentals with the football)
STATION 4 BALL FAMILIARISATION & BOUNCING
(10 minutes)
Circle Body
Using both hands roll the ball around the waist, hand the ball to partner and repeat.
Progression
Roll ball around knees, ankles etc
Figure of 8 between legs
Circle body on the move (while walking, jogging).
Competition:
How many times can you circle the body in a minute.
Bounce Relay Race
Divide class into groups of 4-5 with one ball per group.
Teams line up in single file about 10m away from marker.
Each child must bounce the ball once on the way out, at the marker, and once on the
way back and hand ball to next in line.
Non-Preferred hand bounce relay
Same as above but players must bounce the ball with their non-preferred hand.
Hand dribble relay race
Same formation as above. Each player in turn dribbles (pushes) the ball with one
hand out and around the marker and back.
Non-Preferred hand dribble relay
Same formation as above except the players must use the other hand to dribble the
ball.
STATION 5 CATCHING & BALL HANDLING
(10 minutes)
1.Explain skill and why it is used. 2. Give 3-4 key teaching points. 3. Demonstrate skill. 4.
Ball between 2 to practice skill.
The chest catch (Teaching points)
1. Keep eyes on the ball.
2. Arms held out with elbows close together.
3. Catch the ball in the arms.
4. Pull the ball into chest to protect the ball.
Bounce to partner and catch
Stand facing your partner, bounce the ball in the centre so that it travels to your partner to
catch. Move further apart as you improve.
Throw and catch standing
Stand three to four metres from your partner and throw the ball to him with an underarm/
over-head action. Partner catches and repeats.
Progression
1. Throw, Clap and catch
Throw ball up, clap hands and catch. Repeat 10 times.
2. Use one hand – Throw ball up with one hand, catch with the other.
3. Throw while walking and catch.
4. Add some competition, how many catches can you complete in 30 seconds with your
partner?
Skill Drill – Tunnel Relay
Teams of 5 players/one ball.
Line up in single file approx 1m apart.
Players stand with feet apart and pass the ball back along through their legs. When number 5
receives the ball he moves to the front of the line and bounces the ball on the way there.
Game continues until players revert to original positions.
Variation:
Ball passed overhead, around, sideways.
Skill Drill – Piggy in the middle
Divide the players into groups of four. One player is the piggy in the middle. The other three
players form a triangle around the player in the middle. The players must throw the ball to
each other at chest height avoiding the piggy. The piggy must try to intercept the ball. Change
the player in the middle after 30 seconds or 1 minute.
STATION 6 THE PUNT KICK
(10 minutes)
1. Explain skill and why it is used. 2. Give 3-4 key teaching points. 3. Demonstrate skill.
The punt kick – teaching points
1. Eyes on the ball.
2. Hold ball out in the right hand.
3. Take step forward with left leg.
4. “Drop” the ball onto right foot.
5. Kick with the instep (laced part) of the boot.
6. Follow through in the direction of the target.
Ball between 2 to practice skill (punt kick to partner and catch).
Add some competition, how many passes can you complete in 30 seconds?
Progressions
1. Player two punt kicks to player one. He then moves in behind player three. Player
one kicks to player three. Player three punt kicks to player one and moves in behind
player two and so on.
2. Player one will receive the ball twice as often as each of the other players hence it is
important to give player two and player three a chance to swap with player one.
3. Player two punt kicks to player one and jogs across following the direction of the
ball. Player one punt kicks to player three, jogs across, following the direction of the
ball and so on.
4. Organise a competition of progression (1). Each group has one minute to perform as
many successful punt kicks as possible. Repeat the drill for a second minute giving
them the chance to beat their record (a score is registered if the ball is caught).
STATION 7 NO MAN’S LAND
(10 minutes)
(This game focuses on catching and kicking skills)
Divide a 20 metre square area into 3 zones. Divide the players into two teams. The
teams line out in the two zones at either end of the square. The middle zone is called
no man’s land. The aim of the game is to kick the ball over no man’s land into the
opposition’s zone. If the ball hits the ground in the opposition’s zone you win a point
for your team. If the ball lands inside no man’s land or outside the square the
opposition get a point. If an opponent catches the ball there is no score. The first team
to 20 points wins. Switch sides when one team gets to 10 points.
STATION 8 THE PICK UP/CROUCH LIFT
(10 minutes)
1.Explain skill and why it is used.2.Give 3-4 key teaching points.3.Demonstrate skill. 4.Ball
between 2 to practice skill. 5.Add some competition, how many pick-ups can you complete in
30 seconds?
Teaching Points
Supporting foot to be placed alongside and a little ahead of the ball.
Cupped hands held in front of ball (not at sides), with thumbs almost touching.
Swing lifting leg to lift ball upwards and forwards into cupped hands
Pick Up Drill One
One ball per player.
Walk in a circle or square formation holding footballs, on the coaches command, place the
ball down carefully and walk to crouch-lift the next ball.
Pick Up Drill Two
Player one crouch lifts the ball in middle and lines up at the end of the opposite line.
Note:
Make sure the player rises into the playing position before replacing the ball.
Get the children to practice using both feet.
Pick up game
Select 10 players to play the game. Place 9 balls inside the grid. Players must pick up the
nearest ball to them and then move on to the next ball and repeat until the coach blows the
whistle. On the whistle the player who does not have a ball in their possession is out of the
game. Take one football away for each turn. The last player with a ball is the winner.
STATION 9 THE DRIBBLE
(10 minutes)
Dribble, trap + stop
Players in a square/area
One ball per player
Dribble ball on the ground (with foot).
Stop on signal and trap the ball.
Key points:
Do not kick too hard.
Look for free spaces to move into.
Place foot on top of ball to stop.
Dribble, stop + pass
Work in pairs (one ball between two) in a square/area
Dribble ball to free space, stop the ball and pass
Key points:
Step back from the ball after stopping.
Look up to where receiver is.
Move after passing
Dribble around cones
Divide players into groups of 2-3. The first player in each group must dribble the ball
in and out of the cones in a figure of eight type fashion back to where they started.
The first player leaves the ball for the second player and goes to the back of the line.
Players must use both the inside and outside of the strong foot to dribble the ball
through the cones.
STATION 10 5V5 KEEP POSSESSION GAME
(10 minutes)
Divide the players into two equal teams (5V5) in a grid of about 20 metres squared.
The coach throws the ball in to start the game. The team who get the ball must try to
retain the ball. They must release/ throw the ball to a player on their team after four
steps. If the team in possession of the ball over carry the ball or if the ball is disposed
or knocked out of the grid possession of the ball is given to the other team. The coach
can keep account of the number of passes that each team makes
Sample Coaching Session
Week 1
Warm –up 1 Stuck in the Mud
(5 minutes)
Station 1 Finding Space/Agility
(10 minutes)
Station 5 Ball Familiarisation & Bouncing.
(10 minutes)
Station 3 Running & Co-ordination
(10 minutes)
Station 6 Catching & Ball Handling
(10 Minutes)
Station 7 The Punt Kick
(10 Minutes)
Station 10 5 v 5 Possession Game
(10 minutes)
Mini-Game 1
(10 Minutes)
More Stupid Quotes.
“Yeah, it’ll be cool to do this construction company’s site ’cause we can put those ‘under construction’ signs all over. Like with the little guy digging.” Web design company employee
“Our web site doesn’t load if I turn JavaScript off … please fix this” Owner of new website.
“We’re not afraid of challenges. It’s like we always say: if you want to go out in the rain, be prepared to get burned”.
— Anonymous Brazillian Soccer Player
Sure the body count in this movie bothers me, but what are you gonna do? It’s what everybody likes. At least its not an awful body count–it’s a fun body count.
— Bonnie Bedelia, actress, regarding the movie Die Harder
The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.
— Yogi Berra, baseball catcher, manager
It was pretty good. Even the music was nice.
— Yogi Berra, after attending an opera
Congratulations on breaking my record. I always thought the record would stand until it was broken.
— Yogi Berra, to Johnny Bench
I think ‘immoral’ is probably the wrong word to use…I prefer the word ‘unethical.’
— Ivan Boesky, inside stock trader
The Minutemen are not tall in terms of height.
— Dan Bonner, CBS sports commentator, during a University of Massacheutis basketball game
The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others.
— Gerry Brown, Former California governor
To forcibly remove a politician from office, one has to meet a much higher standard of dishonesty.
— Michael Cooney, Santa Barbara California, attorney
Ordinary rape and murder just doesn’t make it anymore. It’s much better to have ultra-violence, chainsaw massacres, X-rated Draculas, and continents sinking into the sea with the entire population lost, at the very least.
— Jon Davidson, advertising executive at New World Pictures, on what makes a good movie
Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.
— Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
Strange News.
Hippo Bites Woman To Death
A female hippopotamus attacked and killed a woman who was
photographing her calf in South Africa’s famed Kruger National
Park. Annetjie Mienie, of Johannesburg, was bitten in the
stomach and died while being rushed to hospital, police
spokeswoman Mary Gama told the domestic news agency SAPA.
Man Stabbed By Swordfish
A man was stabbed by a swordfish after getting into a fight with
another man. Garth Spacek, 42 got into a fight with Frank
Ashmus, 46. The fishermen started fighting and Spacek hit
Ashmus in the head with a beer bottle. To get back at him,
Ashmus went to Spacek’s apartment and stabbed him with the bill
of a swordfish. It was reported that both men were drunk. They
have been arrested and Spacek is in fair condition.
Driving Examiners Being Attacked
Driving students in France will now have to wait for 24 hours
before they find out whether that have passed the driving exam
due to the fact that too many driving examiners are being
attacked by students they fail. Some examiner have even been
threatened with death or rape. Currently France fails about 66%
of the 3.5 million learners who take their test each year.
True Story.
You Don’t Need to Shout!
Primates’ hearing is pretty much as good as man’s. So you have to wonder why, and how, the Howler Monkey of South America, developed the bellow that can travel up to eight miles.
Males in a group will give long calls, often at sunrise, in order to communicate with neighboring groups, or an individual in that group. The normal call is amplified by the hyoid bone, which creates a resonance as they ‘howl’. The calling allows them to establish the location, composition, and distance away of another group of howlers.
This is relatively important in the pecking order of things, because each group is dominated by a single male. Other male offspring of his mates are thrown out of the clan at sexual maturity, which for males is generally around seven years of age. The outcast males must then fight their way into a new group. Generally when this happens, and a male defeats the reigning monkey king, he will kill all the infants in the group, so subsequent offspring are all his.
This natural re-arrangement of the social structure in the primate world, is more responsible for the infant mortality rate of the Howler Monkey than environmental factors. The species is not currently on the endangered list, although numbers appear to be dropping with the encroachment of man on their rainforest habitats.
. Humour.
Steve Wright American Comedian born 1955
1.My mechanic told me, ‘I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
2.Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
3.How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings?
4.Why are cigarettes sold in petrol stations when smoking is prohibited there?
5.If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
6.Why is abbreviation such a long word?
7.How did a fool and his money get together?
8.Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
9.What’s another word for thesaurus?
10.Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
11.What was the best thing before sliced bread?
12.Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Bartender – Everyone’s friend
A man walks into a pub and has a couple of pints of beer. When he’s finished the barman tells him he owes £5.’ But I paid, don’t you remember?’ says the customer.
‘Okay’, says the bartender, ‘If you say you paid, you did.’
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the barman can’t keep track of whether his customers have paid.
The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The barman replies, ‘If you say you paid, I’ll take your word for it.’
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink double-brandies when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says’, You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they had. The next person who tries that is going to get punched in the face.’
‘Don’t bother me with your troubles’, the final customer responds, ‘Just give me my change and I’ll be on my way.‘
Free Beer on Tap
A woman said she thought she was in heaven when she turned on the kitchen tap to find a plentiful supply of beer.
Haldis Gundersen was planning to do the washing up when she made the unusual discovery at her apartment in Kristiansund, West Norway.
Meanwhile two flights below, workers in a bar faced the more disappointing realisation, water was flowing from their beer taps and not ale.
A worker had connected a beer barrel to the apartment water pipe by mistake. ‘I turned on the tap to clean some knives and forks, and beer came out’, Ms Gundersen told Reuters news agency. ‘We thought we were in heaven with free beer on tap.’
Learning to Fish
Mrs Baker wanted to go ice fishing. She had read several books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary equipment together, she made her way out onto the ice.
After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Frighteningly, from up above, a voice boomed, ‘There are no fish under the ice.’ Startled, Mrs Baker moved farther down the ice, poured herself a large coffee, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, ‘There are no fish under the ice.’ Mrs Baker, now became very concerned so she moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and began again to cut her ice-hole.
The voice rang out once more, ‘There are no fish under the ice.’ Mrs Baker, stopped, looked upwards and said, ‘Is that you, Lord?’
The voice replied, ‘No, this is the Ice-Rink Manager.’
Confessions of US Congress Travel Agent
These are real requests fielded by an American travel agent.
Passport Saga
I got a call from a Congress man, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain that he needed a passport. He interrupted me with, ‘I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.’
Without trying to make him lose face, I calmly explained, ‘Cape Cod is in
Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.’ Her response – click, the phone went dead.
Map Reading
A Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we booked for him. I asked for details of what was wrong with the hotel in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, ‘Don’t lie to me. I am looking at the map, and Florida is a very thin state!!!’
Bad Hair Day
A New Hampshire Congresswoman asked me to book her an aisle seat on the airplane. She did not want her hair to get messed up by being near the window.
More Map Reading
I got a call from a Lawmaker’s wife who asked, ‘Is it possible to see England from Canada?’ I said, ‘No.’ She said, ‘But they look so close on the map.’
Big Airport in Texas
An Aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if they could rent a car in Dallas. When I looked at the reservation, I noticed that they only had a one-hour stop-over Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car for just an hour, he said, ‘I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time.
Fastest Jet in America
An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
Answers to last week’s Brain Teasers.
1 Two men were being tried for murder. The jury found one man guilty
and the other innocent. The judge turned to the guilty man
and said, ‘Even though your guilt has been established, the law
compels me to set you free.’ How could such a bizarre judgement occur?
Answer: They were Siamese twins!
2 There was a man who had a Fox, a Chicken, and a bag of Grain. He
had to cross a river to get back home, but he could only take one
item with him at a time. He could only take the fox, or the grain,
or the chicken. Well, if you leave a chicken and a fox on one side
of the river while taking the bag of grain across, the fox will
eat the chicken, same thing with the chicken and the grain. Can’t
leave those two alone or the chicken will eat the grain. How do
you get them all across the river safely?
Answer: Take the chicken first and come back. Get the grain, take it
across and take the chicken back with you. Leave the chicken and
take the fox and come back. Get the chicken…
3 How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25?
Answer: Once.
After the first calculation, you will be subtracting 5 from 20,
then 5 from 15, and so on.
This week’s Brain Teasers.
1 There is a man that lives on the top floor of a very tall
building. Everyday he gets the elevator down to the ground floor
to leave the building to go to work. Upon returning from work
though, he can only travel half way up in the lift and has to
walk the rest of the way, unless it’s raining! WHY?
2 A man is wearing black. Black shoes, socks, trousers, jumper,
gloves, and balaclava. He is walking down a black street
with all the street lamps off. A black car is coming toward him
with its lights off too, but somehow manages to stop in time. How
did the driver see the man?
3 One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. One day later her
older twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. How can this be?
Answers next week. You can e-mail your answers to the address below and those with the correct answer(s) will have their names published so everyone can see how brainy they are.
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