Sarsfields Newsletter.

THE SASH

Tuesday August 5^th 2008

The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.

Sarsfields on the Road to Croker.

Another first for the Sash.

Tomorrow night Sarsfields becomes the first Kildare Club to be used as a location for the popular GAA programme The Road to Croker. Filming takes place in the club and the programmed will be aired on Thursday night.

Dermot and Paula get players of the match awards

Well done to Dermot and Paula Earley who both received player of the match awards playing for Kildare at the weekend. Best wishes to the Kildare team and management on Sunday against Cork.

Athlone Institute of Technology Sports Scolarship Scheme 2008/20009.

Any Sarsfields players who are currently studying in or who will be applying to Athlone Institute of Technology for courses after the Leaving Cert can apply for the   Athlone Institute of Technology Sports Scholarship scheme for 2008-09. Last year the Institute awarded 40 scholarships to new and existing students and it is expected that this level will be maintained for the 2008-09 Academic Year. Scholarships are valued at €750 and €1,500 with recipients also availing of free use of all AIT Sports Facilities and Fitness Suite with adequate Physical Therapy cover also included in the package. Anyone interested contact PRO Tony Ryan: tonyr6@eircom.net  or on 087-2767338 for an AIT 2008-09 Scholarship application form and the Conditions of the Award as they currently stand to be E-mailed to them or alternatively it can be arranged foe an application form to be picked up in the clubhouse

Coaches Corner

Developing Technique, Tactical Prowess and Team Play through a Progressive System of Drills and Modified Games

Technique, Tactical Prowess and Team Play are 3 of the 6 core elements of the GAA Coaching Development Model (known as the OTú Model) utilised in Coach Education and coaching practice.

These 3 elements (the 3T’s) plus Physical Fitness, Psychological Focus and Performance Analysis (the 3P’s) are developed and integrated with Coaching and Communication Inputs to form a Cohesive Team Unit. This model is the key to the E-Zone, the term used to describe a player’s zone of Performance Excellence.

Through dedicated training, all Gaelic players ultimately aim to perform within this zone. However, in the modern game coaching has increasingly veered towards achieving Performance Excellence through emphasis on developing Physical Fitness. This policy, with its inherent weaknesses, has proven time and again to be far from perfect, ignoring the necessary balance required to develop all aspects of the game and particularly the 3T’s which are integral to skilled individual and team performance, and ultimately related to maximising participation and playing standards.

Here we look at the 3T’s in detail, and how they can be developed through a progressive system of drills and modified games. It will also become apparent that much of an individual’s and team’s physical fitness development can be achieved through this system simultaneously, with the enjoyment factor of training increased as a result, and maximum time given to working with the ball.

First what exactly are the 3 T’s?

1. Technical Proficiency is:
– The ability to perform the underlying techniques accurately, consistently   and at match tempo.

2. Tactical Prowess
Different definitions of Tactical Prowess apply to different modes of play.

When in Attack Tactical Prowess is:
– The ability to weigh up match situations, and decide on what option   to take and when to take it in order to maximise scoring   opportunities.

When in Defence Tactical Prowess is:
– Knowing what option to take and when to take it in order to minimise   the amount of clean possession, time and space available to   opponents to make clear use of the ball.

Some of the options available to players in these situations are:
1. When in possession of the ball – carry, shoot, pass, play into space
2. When not in possession of the ball – create space, decoy runs,     dispossession, man to man marking, denying time and space, etc.

The greater a player’s level of Technical Proficiency, the greater the number of options available to them and the harder it is for their opponents to anticipate their movements.

3. Team-Play/Tactical Ploys
Again, Team Play and Tactical Ploys are defined in terms of the two modes of play.

When in Attack Team Play is:
– The ability to anticipate movements and synchronise who should go   where during play or set-piece situations in order to score or convert   possession into scores.

When in Defence Team Play is:
– Knowing who should go where in order to minimise the amount of   possession while maximising the level of pressure exerted on   opponents.

The more players train together, the more they will anticipate each other’s moves, provide cover/support for each other and communicate effectively with each other.

In short, the differences between the 3 T’s are:

Technical Proficiency – the ability to perform the underlying techniques accurately, consistently and at match tempo.

Tactical Prowess – the ability to weigh up match situations and decide on what option to take and when to take it, i.e. an individual players ability to make the right decision at the right time.

Team-Play/Tactical Ploys – the ability to anticipate movements and synchronise who should go where during play or set-piece situations, i.e. a teams ability to coordinate its play for it’s greater benefit.

The 3 T’s are an essential element to the teaching and development of any skill. For correct and efficient execution of a skill, Technical Proficiency is mastered first. However, implementation of the technical aspect alone is impractical in real life game situations. Here Tactical Prowess and Team-Play need to be considered. The ability of a player to read the game and feel competent in knowing what to do next themselves, as well as in relation to their team-mates, will obviously make the technical implementation of the skill more effective.

A Progressive System of Drills and Modified Game formations and variations has been devised to maximise the effectiveness and efficiency of developing the 3 T’s.

The Basic progression is as follows:
Drills
Technical Proficiency can be explored and developed through three levels, as experience increases.

Basic Drills:
The Ball does the work, i.e. players are stationary. Skills are more easily learned and initially practised in this manner.

Intermediate Drills:
Ball and Players do the work, i.e. movement of players is introduced

Advanced Drills:
Increasing levels of pressure are applied and in many cases the drill consists of performing a number of skills

Pressure can be introduced by many means, most of which comply with one of the guidelines:
– Decrease the TIME in which the skill must be performed
– Increase the SPEED in which the skill must be performed
– Reduce the SPACE in which the skill must be performed


Modified Games
Tactical Prowess and Team Play can be effectively developed and reinforced through use of modified games, while technique is further developed as pressure is increased.

Small-Sided Games:
Games usually organised within grids, consisting, of 2 V 1, 2 V 2, 3 V 2, 3 V 3, 4 V 3, 4 V 4 and so on.

Backs and Forwards:
Players are organised as a set of backs and forwards as they would be positioned for a full game, or using small numbers, e.g. 5 attackers and 4 defenders etc. ‘Feeder’ players can be organised as a single player in the midfield area, 1 V 1 midfield, 2 V 2 midfield or as a variation on backs and forwards at the other end of the pitch. This will ensure the ball is played into the backs and forwards area in a variety of ways simulating a real match situation.

9/11/13/15 A-Side Games:
Games organised within full pitch or compressed pitch situations. As the numbers of players are increased the level of Technical, Tactical and Team Play developed more closely mirrors that required during real match situations.

Using Conditioned Rules, Conditioned Scoring Systems or introducing specific Tactical Ploys can further vary all 3 Modified Game types. Particular conditions will force players to improve certain aspects of their game, e.g. No Solo Running would force players to focus on their catching and kicking skills, while also improving their awareness of other players and emphasising support play.

The following are some examples of each:

Conditioned Rules:
· No soloing
· No handpassing
· Weak Side Only
· One Hop, One Solo (Football)
· Restricted number of handpasses/ restricted handpassing areas
· Players not permitted to call/shout for passes.
· Modifications/conditions to apply to specific player(s).
· Modifications/conditions to apply all players

Conditioned Scoring Systems:
Team to concede score or loose possession if
· Ball touches ground
· Ball is not caught overhead
· Ball does not reach target man

Tactical Ploys:
· Target Man
· Third Midfielder
· Players Switch Positions
· Attacking wing-Half Back etc

Now that we have defined the 3 T’s and a progressive system of developing them let us take an example of a technique from both football and hurling, describe how it can be developed and how tactical prowess and team play skills can be developed to make the technical implementation of the skill more effective.

FOOTBALL
The Overhead Catch

The following are the teaching points for the key elements of the technique:
1. Eyes on the ball. Judge its flight and move underneath its flight path     to the take-off position.
2. Jump off one foot by bending the jumping leg slightly at the end     of the last stride.
3. Swing the non-jumping knee and arms forwards and upwards as the     jumping leg is straightening.
4. After take-off, continue to stretch the body and arms fully to reach     for the ball and allow the bent leg to straighten.
5. Time the jump to meet the ball at the highest point of the reach.
6. To receive the ball, cup the hands, with wrists cocked, fingers     spread and thumbs behind. Keeping the eyes on the ball, grasp it     directly above the head and bring it down to the body.

Drills

Basic:
Aim : The ball does the work.

Players remain in a relatively stationary position. A throws high to B who catches overhead and returns high to A.

Intermediate:
Aim : To introduce movement to the skill.

In groups of three, A runs out to cone. B throws ball high to A who runs in to it, jumps and catches ball overhead. A, in possession of the ball, repeats the same procedure for B. A and B run to the end of the opposite groups.

Advanced:
Aim : To increase the level of pressure.

A and B on starting line, B with ball. A runs out fast round cone 1.
On turning B throws ball high to A who catches overhead and handpasses back to B.
A turns, runs fast out to, and around, cone 2. On turning, B kicks ball high to A who again catches high overhead.
A solos the ball and handpasses back to B, turns and repeats for cone 3 with B kicking longer.
A now becomes provider while B completes course.

HURLING
Overhead Batting

The following are the teaching points for the key elements of the technique:
1. Player must swing hurley back over head and then swing upwards in a forward direction with bass pointing straight ahead.
2. Use a firm forward wrist action to ‘bat’ the ball to ensure accuracy and distance.
3. When the ball is high, the player must jump to bat. Jump off strongest foot.

Drills

Basic:
Aim : The ball does the work.

Players remain in a relatively stationary position. Skills are more easily learned and initially practiced in this manner. A throws high to B who judges flight of sliothar, moves under it and bats it firmly back to chest of A.

Intermediate:
Aim : To introduce movement to the skill.

In groups of three, A handpasses to B and runs at pace out ahead. B throws sliothar high to A who runs under it, jumps and bats it firmly to C. A runs on to opposite end of line. C repeats and so on. Change person in middle after set rotation.

Advanced:
Aim : To increase the level of pressure.

A and B on starting line, B with ball. A runs out fast round cone 1. On turning B throws ball high to A who Bats back to B. A turns, runs fast out to, and around, cone 2. On turning, B throws ball high to A who again Bats back to B. A solos the ball and handpasses back to B, turns and repeats for cone 3 with B throwing longer/striking. A now becomes provider while B completes course.

On RTE: The Sunday Game Live Fixtures

Aug 2/3/ All Ireland Qualifiers

Aug 10 All Ireland Senior Hurling Championship and Minor Hurling

Championship Semi-Finals

Aug 17 All Ireland Senior Hurling Championship and Minor Hurling

Championship Semi-Finals

Aug 24 All Ireland Senior Football Championship and Minor Football

Championship Semi-Finals

Aug 31 All Ireland Senior Football Championship and Minor Football

Championship Semi-Finals

Sept 7 All Ireland Senior Hurling Championship and Minor Hurling

Championship Finals

Sept 14 All Ireland Senior Camogie Final

Sept 21 All Ireland Senior Football Championship and Minor Football

Championship Finals

Sarsfields Fixtures for the coming week.

GAA and other Quotes.

The miracle of the GAA is that it works so well despite itself. Paranoia, self-doubt, trenchant conservatism, fear of outside sports and veneration of the past are all key parts of the GAA psyche. In order to love the GAA, you have to swallow these faults whole.
        – Keith Duggan, The Irish Times (2002)

‘I’m always suspicious of games where you’re the only ones that play it.’
        – Jack Charlton, asked about hurling

‘I often wonder if we changed the names of counties and jersey colours and started all over again, would it make a difference?’
        – Kevin O’Brien, on life with one of GAA’s lesser lights, Wicklow

Goalie: Must have ‘great goalmouth presence’…which is secret code for being fat enough to have his own gravitational pull.
        – taken from ‘The Truth about Junior Football”

The only acceptable recipients of money from the GAA are administrators, coaches, security, bar and catering staff, hawkers, programme sellers, pirates, general scavengers, some managers… but no players. Stalin or Fidel Castro would love the way the GAA has and is being run. Even if something is wrong nobody questions it.
        – Colm O’Rourke, in Ireland’s Sunday Independent

Bob Woolmer’s murder (during last year’s cricket World Cup) isn’t simply a sign that cricket fans have gone off the deep end. Rather, it’s a signal of the sport’s profound internal malignancies. Pakistan’s extraordinarily feeble performance against Ireland has raised suspicions that the match was fixed. It is a measure of how much corruption has stained cricket that the burden of proof now lies with those claiming the match was honestly contested.
        – Alex Massie, ‘Slate Magazine’

All things considered, and taking one thing with another, I think it is fair to say that the cricket World Cup of 2007 really was the worst sporting event in history. It went on for match after match after match, and practically all of the matches were dull. It was like the couple copulating in the next room: you can’t believe they’re still at it, or still want to be. Can anything compare in tedium and anticlimax? It had everything, mismatches, one-sided games, games that didn’t matter much, games that were simply short of action or drama or interest. International sporting organisations across the world are invited to study this event long and hard: it is the perfect template for the ruination of a sport.
The tournament, in its desire to seem truly global, had far too many no-hopers. Bermuda, indeed. After that, the so-called Super Eights required 24 games to reduce eight teams to four. That is exactly 20 too many. How can sports administrators make such crass errors? Simple. They aren’t interested in sport. They are interested in power. The more countries you involve, the more power you have. The more money you make from a multination tournament, the more power you have. As a result of this simple rule, all World Cups in all sports have become exercises in revenue-raising and colonisation.
Administrators want the money and the power that goes with a bloated tournament and thousands of hours of television. They don’t care that it produces tedious sport. No one has told them that if sport gets tedious, we – the people who matter – will stop going or watching or caring.
Moral: every sporting tournament should have sporting excellence as its sole aim. Anything else betrays the spectators, the television viewers, the athletes and sport itself. And now, with the cricket World Cup of 2007, we at last have the perfect example of this principle.
        – Simon Barnes, The London Times

There was a time when you could count on the sports section for news that was at least conclusive. Somebody won and somebody lost. One player was the hero; another the goat. And, in the golden days of sports writing, you could find prose that would transport you and give you that sublime feeling that comes with understanding something true about the world. There are still gifted writers working the sports pages. But something has happened to the sports pages. You don’t get the old feeling of clarity when you read them these days. Maybe it is because the games are all on television, and even if you miss them, the scores are there on ESPN, where you can catch up on who won and lost while you are shaving. So the stories on the sports pages are now about this other stuff… Michelle Wie had fired her agent, The University of Miami football team was also in the news. But not for its blowout win over Florida International. Seems that during the game there had been a brawl that was ugly even by Miami standards… Vastly more time and ink was spent covering the brawl and its aftermath than was devoted to the actual game. There were, of course, other stories on the sports page. A pitcher for the Chicago White Sox was being questioned after a shooting in the Dominican Republic. And, the cops were considering arrests after a brawl at the end of the Dartmouth/Holy Cross football game. It was enough to make the old-fashioned fan long for one of those feel-good stories about steroids. – Geoffrey Norman, National Review

‘He signals to the bench with his groin.’
‘He signals to the bench with his groin.’
Mark Bright spots a stricken Villa player.

‘The Baggio brothers, of course, are not related.’
George Hamilton clears up his own mess. Sort of.

‘Well his foot was high and that’s why he got his penalism.’
Quintessential Frank Stapleton.

‘Nicholas Anelka left Arsenal for 23 million and they built a training ground on him.’
Kevin Keegan didn’t sign Anelka, he excavated him.

More Stupid Quotes.

‘Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women.  And I hope I never get into that.’
– Bill Clinton, former U.S. president

You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.’
– Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach

‘You guys have to run a little more than full speed out there.’
– Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach

 After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: ‘We didn’t underestimate them. They were
just a lot better than we thought’
– Bobby Robson

‘Inbreeding is how we get championship horses.’
– Carl Gunter, Louisiana state representative, explaining why he was fighting a proposed antiabortion bill that allowed abortion in cases of incest.

‘If you walk backwards, you’ll find out that you can go forwards and people won’t know if you’re coming or going.’
– Casel Stengal, former Baseball player

 ‘It’s only puffy when it’s swollen.’
– Charlie Hough, Baseball player, describing his broken finger

‘These people haven’t seen the last of my face. If I go down, I’m going down standing up.’
– Chuck Person, NBA Basketball player

‘Most lies about blondes are false.’
– Cincinnati Times-Star, headline

‘SUPREME COURT  RULES THAT MURDERERS SHALL NOT BE ELECTROCUTED TWICE FOR THE SAME CRIME.’
– Cleveland Daily News, Headline 

‘Better make it six, I can’t eat eight.’
– Dan Osinski, Baseball pitcher, when a waitress asked if he wanted his pizza cut into six or eight slices

‘We are not ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.’
– Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

‘Half this game is ninety percent mental.’
– Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies manager

‘Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs’
– David Coleman, Sports commentator

‘All you have to do is go down to the bottom of your swimming pool and hold your breath.’
– David Miller, US DOE spokesperson, on protecting yourself from nuclear radiation

‘Weather forecast: precipitation in the morning, rain in the afternoon.’
– Detroit Daily News

‘What we have is two important values in conflict: freedom of speech and our desire for healthy campaigns and a healthy democracy.  You can’t have both.’
– Dick Gephardt, Missouri representative

‘Can you get a ticket for running a stop sign that is not
there?’
– Driver school applicant

‘The world is more like it is now then it ever has before.’
– Dwight Eisenhower

Transatlantic  Language Differences.

Ireland/ Britain.            America

aerial                                        antenna

bonnet                   hood

boot                     trunk

car park                 parking lot

car silencer             muffler

cats eyes                reflectors

central reservation      median

clock                    odometer

demister                 defroster

                         defogger

diversion                detour

drink-driving            drunk driving

driving licence          driver’s license

dual carriageway         divided highway

dumper truck             dump truck

downmarket               downscale

dummy                    pacifier

dustbin                  trash can

lights dipped            low beams

motorway                 freeway (Western U.S.)

                         expressway (Eastern U.S.)

                         Interstate (between states)

orbital                  beltway (Eastern U.S.)

petrol                   gasoline

                         gas

propeller shaft          drive shaft

pavement                 sidewalk

pedestrian crossing      crosswalk

roundabout               circle

                         rotary (New England)

straight                 straightaway (as at a race track)

transmission             power train

turning left             left turn

turning right            right turn

tyre                     tire

unmade road              dirt road, unpaved road

windscreen               windshield

window heater            defroster

                         defogger

wing                     fender

Digger (JCB type)        Backhoe

flat battery             dead battery

flyover                  overpass

crossroads              fourways or cross streets                                           

full lights              high beams

gear box                 transmission

gear lever               gear shift

hire car                 rental car

indicators               turn signals

aubergine                eggplant

biscuit                  cookie

candy floss              cotton candy

chips                    french fries

cornflour                cornstarch

courgettes               zucchini

                         zucchini squash

crisps                   potato chips

fish fingers             fish sticks

jacket potato            baked potato

jam                      jelly

jelly                    jello

mince                    ground meat

                         hamburger

porridge                 oatmeal

pudding                  dessert

sweet                    dessert

tinned                   canned

laundrette               laundromat

lorry                    truck

maths                    math

mobile (phone)           cell (phone)

tariffs                  rates, prices

tarmac                   asphalt, blacktop

                         (tarmac is used in U.S.

                          only in airport context)

Humour

Step Back, I Know First-Aid!

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. ‘Step aside, lady,’ he barked. ‘I’ve taken a course in first-aid!’

The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder.  ‘Pardon me,’ she said. ‘But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m right here.’

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

 What the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations he/she keeps cranking out.

AVERAGE:
Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:

 Overly Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON:
Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
Dull and boring.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
Likes to be heard.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:
A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:
Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:
Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Pedantic.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:
Would be unemployable elsewhere.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:
An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:
Lazy  

HARD WORKER:
Usually does it the hard way because it’s the only way he/she knows

ENJOYS JOB:
Needs more to do.

HAPPY:
Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED:
Has perfected the art of looking busy

COMPETENT:
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:
Pain in the ass.

WILL GO FAR:
Related to management.

SHOULD GO FAR:
Not related to management.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:
Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE:
Finds reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURSES WELL:
Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION:
Create new title to make him/her feel appreciated.

Likes to help others

Always appears to be explaining something to a colleague just as supervisor is in earshot.

Irish Racing Story.

A couple of English tourists at Galway Races.

I soon got accustomed to the Reverend fathers, rushing past me to get a bet on at the racetrack.  My mate Trev spotted one Reverend father making a big fuss of a horse in the parade ring.  Amazingly the horse went on to win the next race easily.

We took great interest when we saw the same Reverend father bless another horse in the next race, blow me, this horse won too.  Well we were hot on the Reverend father’s coat tails for the third race and as soon as he patted a horse called Foxy Loxy, we raced off to get the best odds we could with the bookies.

Foxy Loxy was well up with the pace on the first circuit, but down the back straight for the second time, Foxy Loxy dropped to the rear.  Then to our chagrin it dropped dead by the water jump.

When we went back to the bar we fell into conversation with a local, and told him the tale of the Reverend father. ‘Ah’ he said, ‘you’ll have to learn the difference between when Reverend Murphy is blessing a horse and when he is giving it the last rites’

No parley vous de French

.

Difference between Vietnam and Iraq.

Q: What is the difference between the Vietnam war and the Iraq war?
A: George W. Bush had a plan for getting out of the Vietnam war – Daddy helped him avoid it.

Bush Goes Jogging

President Bush was out jogging one morning along the way when he tripped, fell over a bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid says, ‘I want to go to Disneyland.’
Bush says, ‘No problem, I’ll take you there on Air Force One.’
The second kid says, ‘I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan’s.’
Bush says, ‘I’ll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!’
The third kid says, ‘I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!’
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, ‘But you don’t look like you’re handicapped.’
The kid says, ‘I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!!!’

Bill and Hilary out for a drive.

Bill and Hillary are driving through the town where Hillary grew up, when they stopped for gas. As he is pumping gas the attendant looks in the window and recognizes Hillary.’ Do you remember me?’, he asks Hillary. “We dated in high school”. “Oh my so we did”, says Hilary who is not to pleased to be associated with a gas station attendant. They chat for a little while and then Bill pays for the gas and drives away. Bill is feeling proud of himself and looks at Hillary and says ‘What would have happened if you married the gas station attendant instead of me.   Hillary replies snottily “then you would be pumping gas and he would be president and you’d never have known that damn Lewinsky woman”!

A man walks into his local Social Welfare Office.

A man walks into the local Social welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, ‘Hi. You know, I just hate drawing social welfare. I’d really rather have a job.’

The social worker behind the counter says, ‘Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he’ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy any of her urges if you get my drift and You’ll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is €80,000 a year.’

The Man, wide-eyed, says, ‘You’re putting’ me on!’

The social worker says, ‘Yeah, well, you started it.’

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go Camping.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep after spending the night at a local hostelry. Some hours later, Holmes feeling cold wakes up and then wakes his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.’

Watson replies, ‘I see millions of stars.’

‘What does that tell you?’

Watson ponders for a minute. ‘Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Heurologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant in his vast creation. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.  Watson pleased with his deductions asks Holmes, “What does it tell you?’

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks with a note of annoyance in his voice. “It tells me you unobservant idiot Watson, that someone one has stolen our tent.’!

Contributors Required

If anyone would like to contribute to this Newsletter please send info to tonyr06@eircom.net. Articles, news, anecdotes etc would be very welcome. If you know anyone who would like to be added to the e-mail mailing list for the Newsletter then please ask them to forward their e-mail addresses to the above.

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