Sarsfields Newsletter

THE SASH May 13th 2008

The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.

Death of Paddy Monaghan. RIP.

Sadly early this morning we lost another footballer from the 1950-52 era. Paddy ‘Slicey’ Monaghan died in Tallaght hospital after a short illness. Paddy played in the 1951 final and was a sub in 1952. His family one of the old Roseberry Sarsfields families was steeped in Sarsfields history. His father Joe was chairman during the 1940’s and vice Chairman during the three in a row years 1950-1952. His brother Jim and his son Kevin  also played for Sarsfields at Junior level.

            Sarsfields extend deepest sympathy to the Monaghan and Power families. Paddy will be waked at his house in St Domnick’s Park tonight (Tue). Removal to the church tomorrow night and funeral mass on Thursday morning in St. Conleth’s. Times not yet available. Ar dheis De go raibh se.

SFL Division 1: Sarsfields 0-10 Round Towers 0-9

With almost the last kick of the game in Sarsfields Park on Saturday night a John Geraghty free from 25 m on the right wing secured the points for Sarsfields against Round Towers. The game was largely a pedestrian affair for forty-eight minutes. For most of the game Sarsfields held a three-point advantage and it was only when a Neill Scanlon point for Towers reduced the gap to a single point just inside the last twelve minutes that the tempo of the game significantly increased with more intensity and passion in those last twelve minutes than in the preceding forty-eight.

             In the absence of Dermot Early and Alan Barry, converted midfielder Ciaran Dempsey has been growing in stature in midfield with each outing. He was ably assisted by senior debutant Mick Beegam whose physical presence was a thorn in the side for the Towers pairing of Damien Broughal and Ken Whelan before Dean O’Rourke replaced Ken whelan.

Having a slight edge at midfield Sarsfields raced into an early 4- 1 lead with two well taken successive points from centre half forward Eoin O’Sullivan, one each from Paddy Cambell (free) and and excellent long range point from  Pauric Brennan after a brilliant interception by Sarsfields minor player Sean Cambell who was making his senior league debut. Tower’s solitary point came from Neill Scanlan. On 20 minutes Round Towers top marksmen Niall Cleary pointed an excellent 30m effort from the right wing to reduce the gap to 2 points. In a swift counter attack from the kickout John Geraghty restored Sarsfields 3 point advantage when he slotted over a point from an acute angle about 25m out.

  Round Towers with a quick counter attack of their own reduced the deficit again to 2 points with a well taken point by full forward Pauric Donnelly. On 22 minutes Sarsfields goalkeeper Patrick O’ Sullivan made a magnificent save to prevent a certain Towers goal when Niall Cleary shot from close range.  2 minutes later Neill Scanlan scored to leave a single point between the sides when he took advantage of a poor Sarsfields clearance to score his second point. Pauric Brennan replied for Sarsfields  on 25 minutes with another well taken point from the right wing to leave the half time score at 6-4 in Sarsfields favour.

            The pattern of the first half continued in the second half when after 4 minutes Paddy Cambell cut inside his marker to put 3 points once again between the sides; 7-4 In the next few minutes Niall Cleary and Paddy Cambell swapped points to maintain the scoring status quo.

The next ten minutes was Towers best period of the game with Towers towering midfielder Damien Broughal making a significant impact at midfield and supplying the forwards with plenty of ball.  When Niall Cleary scored on 18 minutes to leave a single point between the sides the game suddenly burst into life.

A minute later Sarsfields defence was breached and goalkeeper Patrick O’ Sullivan found himself without cover as two of Towers forwards bore down on him. In a two on one situation it looked an odds on certainty that a goal would be the outcome, however O’Sullivan, Sarsfields man of the match, brilliantly saved at the expense of a 45 with the resultant kick sent wide by Niall Cleary who was Tower’s chief scorer and best player on view. A minute later the impressive Eoin O’Sullivan popped up at the other end to score Sarsfields first point in 12 minutes and temporarily release the pressure.

Towers however continued to press forward and were rewarded for their efforts with two points in 3 minute from Neill Scanlan and Niall Cleary to bring them level for the first time in the game. A draw looked the likely outcome but John Geraghty’s free under pressure after he himself was fouled on the 30^th minute gave Sarsfields the points and fourth win in a row.

Apart from the lapse that could have cost Sarsfields the game the defence was solid throughout. With Sarsfields leading by 3 points 10 minutes into the second half they had enough possession to double that lead but a combination of poor movement off the ball, mishandling and taking the wrong option at times meant that Towers were in the game right until the end. Towers will rue the fact that had they didn’t have a greater conversion of scores from possession during their period of dominance. They may well have won the game themselves but for the excellent display by Patrick O’Sullivan in the Sarsfields goal.

Round Towers: Dave Fahy, Dermot Houlihan, Johnny Houlihan, Barry Waters, Paul Waters Mark Whelan, Pauric Golden, Damien Broughal, Ken Whelan, Niall Cleary(0-4) Liam Ryan, (0-1)Neill Scanlon, (0-3) TJ Waters, Pauric Donnelly (0-1), Richie Scahill. Subs: Dean O’Rourke for Ken Whelan (49mins)

Sarsfields: Patrick O’Sullivan, Steven Ussher Niall Hdderman,  Conor Duffy, Robbie Confrey, Murt Dunne, Michael Beegan, Sean Cambell, Owen O’Sullivan, (0-3) Keith Harvey, John Geraghty (0-2) Pauric Brennan(0-2) Paddy Cambell(0-3) Subs Conor Tiernan for Keith Harvey (25mins)  Ray Cahill for Pauric Brennan (42mins) Keith Brown for Sean Cambell (57mins)

Referee: Mick Spencer Kilcullen.

Camogie Results

By Aileen O’Callaghan

   Sarsfields V Moorefield         0-10 V 2-1

2.      Sarsfields V Naas               3-9 V 1-4

3.      Sarsfields V Leixlip            4-5 V 1-4

We are currently doing well in the League with the last 3 home wins under our belts. The first encounter with local rivals Moorefield was a close match with Moorefield catching us on the break with a couple of goals. However we retained our composure and managed to convert our greater possession into scores.

The next match was against Naas who are a very young side. Again we dominated in the mid-field sector with both Noelle Earley and Elaine Dillon doing a lot of work and both managing to get on the scoreboard, Elaine for the first time this year with 2 excellent points from play. Others to contribute on the night were Linda McNamee with 2-1 and Pauline O Callaghan with 1-1.

Our toughest home match to date was against Leixlip on Monday last. We got off to a sluggish start and were only down by a point at half-time after good play by Leixlip in the first half. This was due to a few good saves by goalie Emma Hannon. However we showed our fighting spirit in the second half and managed to score 3-3 with a goal a piece from our young stars Aoife O Leary and Meadbh O Sullivan. This was a great team performance in the second half with good skills and teamwork on display.

These leaves Sarsfields with one league match left against Rathcoffey so we are in a great position in the table with only one league defeat to date.

Again Training at 7pm on Tuesday nights. Any new players very welcome.

Players Facing New Burnout Concerns

 By Martin Breheny

 PLAYER burnout concerns will zoom back up the GAA agenda this summer as
counties face their busiest championship schedule yet.

Some counties could face four major games in 22 days in football while
the hurling schedule will also be hectic with four qualifier rounds and
two All-Ireland quarter-finals over five successive weekends.

It also means that the provincial route towards All-Ireland glory will
be much less demanding than a qualifier path, which places huge demands
on players.

If any of the football qualifiers survive the four-game test and reach
the All-Ireland semi-finals, they will be in action again two weeks
later to complete a five-match programme between July 19 and August 24.

The reason for the hectic football programme is that the qualifiers
won’t start until July 19, two weeks later than last year.

That means that any first-round qualifier team that reaches the
quarter-finals faces four games in 22 days between July 19 and August
10. There was a two-week gap between the final qualifier round and the
quarter-finals last year.

Extra-time applies in qualifier games but scheduling problems will arise
if games have to be replayed. It will be equally busy in hurling, where
the four qualifier rounds (there are no round robin games this year)
will be played on successive weekends between June 29 and July 19,
followed eight days later by the All-Ireland quarter-finals.

Waterford complained of fatigue after losing to Limerick in last year’s
All-Ireland hurling semi-final as it was their third major game in 14
days, following a drawn and replayed quarter-final showdown with Cork.

The schedule is at its tightest ever in July/ August and major problems
could arise if even a few games ended level. Apart from that, there’s
the question of player burnout, a topic that has been very much at the
forefront of GAA discussions recently.

A desire to leave as much room as possible for club games is the reason
for the contracted qualifier series, especially in football. All the
provincial semi-finals are due to be completed by June 29, making it
possible to start the qualifiers much earlier than July 19.

The late start means that the losers of next Sunday’s Longford-Westmeath
Leinster first tie will have to wait 10 weeks for their first-round
qualifier while four other provincial first-round losers from the
following Sunday face a nine-week delay.

While some counties face a very busy programme, it will be quieter than
usual for the Leinster and Munster hurling winners who, for the first
time since 2004, will head straight into the All-Ireland semi-finals.
They have had to play quarter-final games over the past three seasons
but have been restored to a very privileged position.

There will be only two quarter-finals this year, featuring the beaten
Leinster and Munster finalists against the two survivors from the
qualifiers.

Dan Shanahan is due to get the results of scans on a knee injury today
which could rule him out of Waterford’s Munster championship opener
against Clare on June 1.

Shanahan twisted his knee in Lismore’s championship victory against
Mount Sion last Sunday. Initial reports suggested that Shanahan would
require keyhole surgery on damaged ligaments and there has been some
local speculation that the player could be facing months on the
sidelines.

 
 
On RTE: The Sunday Game Live Fixtures

May 18 Kildare v Wicklow / Galway v Roscommon
May 25 Offaly v Laois / Fermanagh v Monaghan
May 31 Kildare/Wicklow v Laois
June 1 Donegal v Derry
June 7 Longford/Westmeath v Offaly
June 8 Cork v Tipperary
June 14 Dublin/Westmeath v Wexford
June 15 Offaly/Laois v Kilkenny, Galway/Roscommon v New York/Leitrim
June 21 Fermanagh/Monaghan v Donegal/Derry
June 22 Limerick v Clare/Waterford
June 29 Tyrone/Down v Armagh/Antrim/Cavan
July 6 Munster Senior Football Championship Final
July 12 All Ireland Qualifiers
July 13 Munster Senior Hurling Championship Final
July 19 All Ireland Qualifiers
July 20 Leinster Senior Football Championship Final
July 26 All Ireland Qualifiers
July 27 All Ireland Senior Hurling Championship Quarter-Finals
Aug 2/3/4 All Ireland Qualifiers
Aug 9 All Ireland Senior Football Championship Quarter-Finals
Aug 10 All Ireland Senior Hurling Championship and Minor Hurling
Championship Semi-Finals
Aug 17 All Ireland Senior Hurling Championship and Minor Hurling
Championship Semi-Finals
Aug 24 All Ireland Senior Football Championship and Minor Football
Championship Semi-Finals
Aug 31 All Ireland Senior Football Championship and Minor Football
Championship Semi-Finals
Sept 7 All Ireland Senior Hurling Championship and Minor Hurling
Championship Finals
Sept 14 All Ireland Senior Camogie Final
Sept 21 All Ireland Senior Football Championship and Minor Football
Championship Finals

Sarsfields Fixtures for the coming week.

Saturday 17^th May at 5pm SFL 1 Rathangan V Sarsfields in Rathangan.

Saturday 17^th May at 7PM SFL DIV 3 Rheban V Sarsfields in Rheban

Sunday 18^Th May 2008 Leinster Senior Football Championship 2008 at 2.00PM

At Croke Park            Kildare V Wicklow            John Bannon

Monday 19^Th May 2008 Tom Cross Senior Football league Division 5 R4 2008

Sarsfields V Kildangan 7.30 in Sarsfields Park.

.

Sarsfields Book Launch

On Friday last in the clubhouse the book launch of Sarsfields history took place. It was a great occasion and coincided with the opening of the beautifully refurbished bar. Thanks to all who worked so hard to have the job finished on time including Billy McDonnell, Pascal Murray, Davoc Geraghty, Michael Ward, Alan Burke, Gerry Hoey  and A Dara carpentry. The book is on sale in the clubhouse and in O’Conner’s Centra main Street at €20 and €40 for a hardcopy. It is the most comprehensive history of the club to date. Thanks to Tommy O’ Hanlon, Con O’ Hanlon Pat Cox and all the contributors and to Ray O’ Sullivan for the printing. A special thanks to Dermot Cox for sponsoring the production costs.

 Sarsfields  website Lotto Promoter Required.

Sarsfields require club member for website lotto sales promotion. Candidate must be computer literate. Position might suit student with IT/ Marketing background. Renmuration  negotiable. Full training and support given. Anyone interested contact PRO Tony Ryan on 087-2767338 or tonyr06@eircom.net for more information.

 Vodafone Hang Up On All Stars

 
By Jim O’Sullivan
VODAFONE’S 11-year Association with the GAA All Star scheme is to end
today.

The presentation of the April Player of the Month Awards is their final
promotion as the mobile phone giant is one of three sponsors of the GAA
All-Ireland football championship.

Under their previous name, Eircell, the company took over the promotion
of the All Stars scheme at short notice in 1997, following the
termination of the contract with the northern Ireland-based group,
Powerscreen. They had organised it for two years and, for the only time
in the history of the scheme, the awards were chosen by inter-county
players. The Eircell package incorporated the monthly award scheme which
had previously been operated by National Irish Bank and their first
(single) award was presented in Croke Park on March 30, 1998.

GAA President Nickey Brennan revealed yesterday that they were in
current negotiations with ‘a potential sponsor’ for the All Stars along
with a number of other competitions.

 Top referee Hits out at Players and Managers
 
Last year’s All-Ireland senior hurling final referee Diarmuid Kirwan has
hit out at players and officials for their unfair criticism and abuse of
referees, which he has branded as being ‘over the top’.

He believes that certain players have a lack of respect for the
authority of the referee and that some of them have a consistently bad
attitude towards the men in the middle.

‘I feel that there are certainly players out there that always seem to
think that,’ Kirwan told Cork’s Red FM.

‘I notice myself that even at inter-county level you have certain
players who just have this disrespect for referees. They always seem to
think that the referee is wrong and that the match officials are wrong.

‘I feel that on the field there are also the players who are always
coming up to referees and cribbing and criticising and giving abuse.

‘You wonder sometimes that if these fellas led by example it would be a
lot easier for the referees that are involved in the game.’

Kirwan has seen the full brunt of over-zealous players and officials in
his own time as a referee, and has received physical abuse.

‘On one occasion I was physically abused leaving the field after a
championship game,’ he said.

‘It was a minor assault.’

Kirwan also revealed that it sometimes can be factors outside of the
GAA’s control which can lead to the abuse of officials.

‘It’s known that there is money involved and that gambling is becoming
an issue with the games and that referees are not just unsafe from
players and officials but supporters and everything else.

‘It is making the referee’s job a lot harder.’

However Kirwan believes that players are not totally at fault for their
actions. He points the finger of blame at managers too, whom he feels do
not have full knowledge of the rules.

‘My own personal belief is that the lack of respect from the players has
led on from the management and officials on the sideline,’ he said.

‘A lot of the players have a good idea of the rules, but unfortunately
you have a lot of mentors involved with teams these days who are not au
fait with the rules.

‘When they start giving grief from the sideline it moves onto the
players. They believe that when the management start, the players start
also and that often causes the problems.’

The Cork whistler reckons that both players and management have to
embrace the GAA rule that along with respect for players and officials,
the referee must also be respected at all times and that his decision is
final.

‘You’d hope they would embrace that, but unfortunately that doesn’t
always happen. There’s so much pressure being put on managers now and a
lot of managers for teams are from outside the club.’

Kirwan laments that a ‘win at all costs’ mentality rather than
‘participation for fun’ has seeped through the GAA.

‘It seems to be results-orientated more often than the playing of the
game or enjoying it. It’s all down to results, there is a lot of
pressure on managers and to me that’s where the problem seems to start.’

State of the football nation leads me back to a familiar conclusion

By Paidi O Se

 
 
MUNSTER

Kerry and Cork are way out in front of the rest and the final will be
contested by these two. Of the others, Waterford and Tipperary will have
been by far the happiest with their performances in the league and I
fancy John Evans and John Kiely will know their teams exceeded
expectations.

Tipperary’s promotion was a fine achievement in trying circumstances and
while they may just get the better of Limerick, Cork will be a bridge
too far for them. Waterford’s opportunity to build on the league has
been hit by the fact that they have a bye straight to the last four on
Kerry’s side of the draw.

Kerry got the ideal tonic in the league final. When they watched the
video, a lot of players would say they didn’t perform on the day and
they will know if they do that again they won’t be in Croke Park at the
end of August.

There are warning lights flashing now and they will do well to heed
them. I was involved in two three-in-a-row teams and, looking back, I
know now that the reason we succeeded was because we went out on the
field in the right frame of mind.

I think some of the Kerry players will agree that could not be said of
them in that defeat to Derry. In my opinion, the physical and mental
approach was all over the place. I felt there were signs of that earlier
in the league — against Galway for example — but these cracks were
papered over by wins. If they do not tackle this problem, it will
surface again.

Form is not like a light bulb — it can’t be switched on or off. It must
be earned through hard work and proper application. I remember last year
Galway playing poorly and being lucky to scrape past Leitrim. There was
a consensus that it was just an off-day for them and they wouldn’t play
like that again. This must have been the view inside the camp also
because they were poor again the next day when they lost to Mayo. If
Kerry take a similar view on the league final defeat, they too will pay
the price.

I say that because Cork have to make a statement this year and how
better to do so than in a Munster final against Kerry. If I was a Cork
player I would be thinking that it’s time for me to shit or get off the
pot. I would feel there are a lot of question marks over me having
bombed so spectacularly in an All-Ireland final and then gone on strike.
I would know that if I don’t achieve something on the pitch this year I
am going to look an awful fool.

Cork’s problem is that they can beat Kerry on their day — as they have
on a few occasions in Munster in recent years — but they just don’t
seem to be able to string two or three games together where they perform
on a consistent basis.

The long-suffering Cork football supporter needs some assurance this
year that his faith has not been misplaced. This will only happen if the
Rebels can come to understand the importance of reaching the required
level in all their championship games, not just the odd one as they have
done in the last number of years.

LEINSTER

Dublin have dominated in Leinster for the last three years at a time
when traditional powers like Meath, Kildare and Offaly have been weak
and we haven’t seen much so far this year to signal a revival in the
province.

Between the infamous match with Meath, a marked amount of inconsistency
across the league and suspensions, there is no way Paul Caffrey is going
into this championship with the preparation he would have liked. There
have been too many distractions inside and outside the camp and I’m sure
Caffrey is delighted that time is on his side a little.

Dublin are in the easier half of the draw and their first game (against
Louth) is still four weeks away. I am sure this is being looked on by
Dublin supporters as a handy opener, and it’s hard to disagree with
that, although a friend tells me Louth are working diligently and
quietly and are looking forward to this game.

Perhaps they feel Dublin are just a little vulnerable at the moment; I
know if I was getting ready to face the Dubs that’s exactly how I would
feel. Like Kerry, they will have to realise that they won’t find their
form automatically once the championship starts.

There has been plenty of evidence that Dublin don’t have the mental
strength to see games through and they will not win an All-Ireland if
that frailty is still there — and there were signs in the league that
it is.

I was glad to see Westmeath win the Division 2 title but I’m not sure
they can come through from the more difficult side of the draw

The dark horse this year is Kildare. I am expecting great things of
Kieran McGeeney as a manager. He is still finding his feet but with a
league behind him he will be relishing his first championship as a
manager. He will have learned plenty in four months and I think Kildare
will reap huge benefits.

I know last weekend’s loss to Kerry in the All-Ireland U21 final was a
huge blow but the truth is that some fine young footballers didn’t do
themselves justice on the day. They also made some tactical errors —
like the four attempted short kick-outs which went astray, all of which
were punished — and an over-reliance on physicality.

If a team decides to go for the heavy metal approach, I think it can do
as much damage to them as to the opposition. If you ask me, Kildare need
to be toughened up mentally, not physically. It’s not enough to blow
players up into oversized machines and send them in battle wound-up for
action — that just won’t cut it.

ULSTER

Despite their league win, Derry are not my fancy for Ulster — but
that’s not necessarily a bad thing if Paddy Crozier and Co’s ultimate
goal is an All-Ireland.

This province is always the hardest to call. Donegal were league
champions last year and looked a good thing, but they were brought
crashing back to earth by Tyrone. I think a similar fate awaits this
year’s league champions at the hands of Donegal.

Brian McIver’s men have so much good football in them and they know they
blew it last year. I don’t expect them to repeat that mistake. In terms
of motivating his side, McIver has that up his sleeve and I expect it to
be a strong ace in his hand when the time comes.

Derry, Tyrone and Donegal are the three strongest teams in the province,
Monaghan, Fermanagh and Armagh are all decent too which is why I expect
a couple from that list to make significant progress through the
qualifiers. I think Derry will be one of those, and a first-round defeat
on June 1, should not derail them.

I’ve mentioned mental application a few times already, and Ulster teams
offer a great lesson in this regard, which is why I think the back door
suits them.

CONNACHT

Just like Munster, this is a two-horse race. Last year’s champions Sligo
have regressed alarmingly and after a poor league, won’t even go into
the qualifiers.

Sligo is my mother’s county, and their success last year gave me immense
joy, so it pains me to see how far they have fallen in such a short
time. Their style of play has been more akin to bastketball than
football of late and alas there will be no repeat this time of last
year’s heroics.

This is a make-or-break year for Mayo and John O’Mahony. They need to
show some kind of improvement and the best way to announce this is by
beating Galway in the Connacht final.

I saw enough of Galway the day they lost to a makeshift Kerry team to
make me worry about them. They had appeared to be making the early
running in the league and that was a game they should have targeted as
the one to leave a mark — in the end they did anything but. I expect
them to have to take their chances in the qualifiers.

PÁIDÍ’S PICKS

Munster: Kerry

Leinster: Dublin

Ulster: Donegal

Connacht: Mayo

All-Ireland: Kerry

 

GAA & Other Quotes

‘Anthony Lynch the Cork corner back will be the last person to let you down – his people are undertakers’

‘Stephen Byrne with the puck out for Offaly….Stephen, one of 12……all but one are here to-day, the one that’s missing is Mary, she’s at home minding the house…..and the ball is dropping i lar na bpairce….’

Micheal O Muirheartaigh

Now listen lads, I’m not happy with our tackling. We’re hurting them but they keep getting up.
John B.Keane ventures into coaching

The rules of Meath football are basically simple: if it moves, kick it; if it doesn’t move, kick it until it does.
Tyrone fan after a controversial All-Ireland semi-final.

I warned the boys they couldn’t go through the league unbeaten, and, unfortunately, they appear to have listened to me!
Tyrone’s Art McRory after losing a league match.

‘ Ollie Murphy is after throwing so many dummies, you wouldn’t see the likes in a crèche ‘ – Kevin Mallon on n LM/FM local radio

‘And Tom Cheasty breaks through with Kilkenny defenders falling around him like dying wasps’ – the legendary Mícheál O’Hehir

Eddie Moroney’s  commentary on video for his local club in Aherlow, County Tipperary:

“That referee must have no wipers on his glasses!”

“And it’s in the back of the net, but there’s a free out to be taken by I dunno…”

“Brian Connolly… Kenneally … Connolly … Will ya kick the ball!”

“And the referee is looking around and acting the mickey!”

Ye can put out the cigarettes now lads. This is championship!’ – Meath football mentor in a senior football club, just before the lads took the field

You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.

–         Plato

Gabriela Sabatini looks like a human racehorse, a (successful) experiment in genetico-aesthetics… Her beauty alone scares the life out of her opponents—because tennis is above all an expression of personal power and, in the women’s game, is closely bound up with how a player looks, and how she feels she looks.
        – Martin Amis

‘It was like an alien abduction out there. Someone invaded his body and turned him into the greatest volleyer in the universe.’
        – Jim Courier, stunned after losing to Tim Henman at Wimbledon

Eamon Dunphy On about the Fergie V Strachen feud:
Eamon: ‘Scots – they’re either nice or they’re horrid and these two are horrid.
Bill: ‘The Scots wont like that Eamon, that’s bordering on racism’.
Eamon: ‘It’s not racism, its ethnic criticism Bill’.

Humour

Amusing facts

Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Stupid Quotes

Fiction writing is great, you can make up almost anything.’ 
– Ivana Trump, on finishing her first novel 

‘I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.’ 
– Shaquille O’Neal, basketball player, on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

 ‘It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago’
– Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President 

‘Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing – but none of them serious.’
– Alan Minter, Boxer

‘Boxing’s all about getting the job done as quickly as possible, whether it takes 10 or 15 or 20 rounds.’
– Frank Bruno, Boxer

‘How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby.’
– Anonymous Manufacturer

‘Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now, you’d better set off a few minutes earlier.’
– Anonymous Traffic Report

‘Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women.  And I hope I never get into that.’
– Bill Clinton, former U.S. president

‘Next up is the Central African Republic located in central Africa.’
– Bob Costas, during the parade of nations in the 2000 Summer Games in Sydney, Australia

ALLIGATORS IN THE POOL

He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.

The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, ‘Help me, help me!’, but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, ‘Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?‘

Paddy Irishman,Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman joke.

Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman are all in Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible Crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day, their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent judge decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the judge announced:
‘It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.’

Paddy Scottish man was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:
‘Please tie a pillow to my back.’

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

Paddy English man was next up. After watching the Scotish mans Horror he said smugly:

‘Please fix two pillows to my back.’ But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and Paddy English man was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

Paddy Irish man was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the judge turned to him and said:

‘You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!’

‘Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness’, the Irishman replied. In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me Not 20 lashes but 100 lashes.’

‘Not only are you an honourable man,  but you are  also very brave one’.
The judge said with an admiring look on his face.

‘If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish’?


Tie the English man to my back!!!

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