Sarsfields Newsletter

November 8, 2018




The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club


All White on the day as Kildare young guns take crown

Wexford’s Jamie Kehoe finds himself the meat in the sandwich as Kildare?s Kieran Kelly (and Mark Waters get in each others way during the Leinster U-21 football championship final.


Monday April 07 2008

THIS could the start of something special for Kildare as they fashioned a hard-earned victory over battling Wexford in the Leinster U-21 football final at Wexford Park yesterday.

Both sides served up an enthralling battle and it was only in the closing five minutes that Kildare, spearheaded by Gary White, managed to put daylight between the sides despite the fact that the Slaneysiders had to play the closing 15 minutes with 14 men after Daithi Waters was sent off for a second yellow card.

O Flaitheartaigh

At that stage just two points separated the sides 0-8 to 0-6, but Wexford failed to score for the closing nineteen minutes, with Kildare tagging on the two all important points through centre-forward Eoin O Flaitheartaigh in the closing minutes to help them secure the title.

The battling qualities and intensity displayed by both teams was evident through the opening 30 minutes.

The home side took a second minute lead through Peter Hughes, but two points from Alan Smith and one from O Flaitheartaigh left the Lilywhites leading 0-3 to 0-1 after 10 minutes despite playing into the wind.

After Shane Roche and Smith had traded points, it was substitute Thomas Barron who brought the sides level 0-4 each just 20 minutes into the game.

But it was two O Flaitheartaigh points that left the young Lilywhites — backboned by man-of-the-match White at centre-back — enjoying a 0-6 to 0-4 lead at the interval.

When Thomas Barron reduced the deficit to the minimum within four minutes of the re-start, it led to a gripping second half, but in the end it was Kildare’s numerical advantage that helped them deny the homeside a first provincial title. But a worrying note for the winners is that two of the forwards scored their entire 10 points.

SCORERS — Kildare: E O Flaitheartaigh 0-5 (1f), A Smith 0-5 (3f). Wexford: S Roche 0-3 (2f), T Barron 0-2, P Hughes 0-1.

Kildare — N McConnell; C Brophy, D Brennan, S Murphy; J Browne, G White, T Byrne; M Waters, N Higgins; D Whyte, E O Flaitheartaigh, K Kelly; S Fahy, A Smith, G Smullen. Subs: J Fogarty for Higgins (43), M O’Sullivan for Fahy (50), E O’Sullivan for Kelly (58).

Wexford — P Kavanagh; T Hayden, C Lawler, A Murphy; P Whitely, C Murphy, J Kehoe; D Waters, D Farrell; S O’Neill, P Hughes, B Traynor; S Roche, E Doyle, B Hearne. Subs: T Barron for Traynor (26), M Molloy for Kehoe (30), A Moore for O’Neill (37), S Carmody for Doyle (53), D Reck for Hearne (56).

Ref — E Kinsella (Laois).




Young Lilies Crowned Leinster Champions




Congratulations to selector Pauric Brennan, Captain and man of the match Gary White, Alan Smith, Eoin O’Sullivan and the Kildare U21 team who are Leinster champions after their great victory over Wexford in difficult conditions in the Leinster final on Sunday last and best wishes to the team and management in their forthcoming All-Ireland semi-final against Down in Navan on Saturday 19th April. It was particularly pleasing from a Sarsfields perspective to have such an input into the county team. 

The Sash minor footballers travelled to Kerry last Saturday and beat formidable local Tralee opposition The O’Rahillys in a challenge before going on to the Kildare/ Kerry NFL tie.

Kildare Minors unfortunately lost to Dublin in the first round of the Leinster championship and we had two players on the team, Sean Cambell and Ray Cahill.

Last week was a very good week for Sarsfields girls. The U16’s had a hard fought 3-point away win to Na Fianna. The U14A team had a great 10 point win at home over Suncroft. The U14B team lost by a single point away to Ballykelly. The U12A team had a good home win against kill winning by 11 points while the U12B team won easily in Prosperous. Well done to the girls and to the team managements. 

The under 9 boys had an encouraging start to the Go Games Spring league last Saturday. The A team took on Kilcock in windy conditions at Sarsfields. Good displays from Brian McDonnell, Conor McHugh and Eoin Kieran ensured victory for the Sash on a scoreline of 10 scores to 2. Meanwhile the B team traveled to St. Kevins and lost 5 scores to 4 in in a very exciting game. Jamie Cullen, Ryan Jenkins and Alex Minihan played well for Sarsfields.

 The Sarsfields Intermediate  Camogie team opened their League campaign match last Monday 31st March away to St. Laurance’s winning 1-3 to 0-2  Despite the terrible cold and blustery conditions  we started very well against the wind scoring 1-2 in the first half.Good team performance for our first match of the season and a good base to build from for the coming year. Training at 7pm on Tuesday nights. Any new players very welcome.Underage Camogie Training has resumed and is on Friday evenings at 5.30 in the club. New members welcome. Contact Shirley Mulpeter on 086-8568830.

The senior football league continues this weekend when we will play




GAA’s ASAP Programme

Leinster Council Press Release



As part of the GAA’s National Alcohol and Substance Abuse Prevention
(ASAP) Programme a number of significant new resources were launched in
the theatre of the GAA Museum on Thursday, April 3rd.

The resources, developed by Brendan Murphy, National Coordinator of the
ASAP Programme, with the support of the HSE and Department of Health and
Children were launched by President of the GAA, Nickey Brennan.

The ASAP Programme, which commenced in 2005, has the aim of reducing the
harm that is being caused by alcohol and drugs. To this end Provincial
Officers were appointed to liaise with Provincial Councils, County
Officers have been appointed and trained and they in turn are assisting
Club Officers to action ASAP initiatives at club level.

The launch of the additional resources is the significant next step in
the ongoing objectives of the programme.

Launched today was a dedicated web-site – which provides
considerable information to Clubs, to help them implement a Club policy,
and to concerned individuals, who can access details of services
available nationwide, as well as specific information on drugs and

The ‘Club Matters’ DVD is designed to assist clubs in dealing with
Alcohol or Drugs related incidents as well as an additional resource in
the implementation of the club policy.

A very important and significant initiative is the telematics (Video
message, Internet) based project using Inter-County players for young
people to:
(i) engage with them about drug/alcohol related issues,
(ii) enlighten them about the risks associated with drug/alcohol abuse,

(iii) inform them about professional, local drug/alcohol services and
(iv) inspire them to change their risky behaviours.
This will be important in promoting healthy lifestyles in young people.

The updated ASAP manual was also launched and, again, it is to assist in
designing and implementing a Drugs and Alcohol policy in clubs.

Speaking at the launch, GAA President, Nickey Brennan, said:
‘I am very pleased with the development of our National ASAP Programme
to date and the launch of the additional media will play a big part in
ensuring that it’s message is continuously heard in the future. The
support of the HSE and the Department of Health and Children has been
invaluable in the development of our programme and together we hope that
we can influence our members to pursue healthier lifestyles in the

Pat The Cope Gallagher T.D., Minister for Health Promotion and Food
Safety, said:
‘I see potential for further cooperation between the health system and
the various sporting organisations in promoting healthy lifestyles. If
we can influence young people to pursue healthier lifestyle behaviours
there is every possibility that they might continue to adopt these
behaviours into adulthood. I am pleased that the GAA, with its unique
national infrastructure, has taken up the challenge of tackling alcohol
and drug use and is prepared to develop and implement prevention and
education strategies across the whole organisation.’

Catherine Murphy, Assistant National Director of Population Health,
Health Promotion at the HSE, representing Prof. Brendan Drumm (CEO of
the HSE) said:
‘While participation in sport or physical activity is a positive thing,
it may or may not lead to other healthy behaviours such as good diet and
a healthy lifestyle. International best practice in the field of health
promotion has shown that initiatives targeting settings where people
live, work and play have the potential to reach a wide number of people
and encourage healthy choices. The HSE’s partnership with the GAA in the
roll-out of the ASAP programme is an excellent example of this, by
working closely with a sporting organisation which plays a significant
role in the lives of many Irish people drug and alcohol related issues
can be addressed in a way that far surpasses normal everyday reach.’



 GAA PRO Danny Lynch blasts anti-grants campaigners


Hot on the heels of the criticism by GPA chief executive Dessie Farrell
of anti-grants body ‘Of One Belief’ come the comments of GAA PRO Danny
Lynch, who has also hit out at the ‘grassroots’ group.

‘I find it extraordinary that an organisation or group of people like
‘Of One Belief’ would question the integrity of Central Council,’ the
Kerry man told the Evening Herald.

Lynch was reacting to a press release issued on Sunday night by the
anti-grants group which accused the Central Council of being afraid of
meeting the group for a DRA hearing.

The PRO reiterated that the Central Council is made up of ‘elected
representatives’ from all 32 counties, overseas and other units, making
it fully democratic and that the GAA’s actions are based on the
collective representation of these members.

‘I find it equally baffling that you have prominent members of this ‘Of
One Belief’ group writing and attempting to take credit for the terms of
acceptance of the expense awards scheme from the government, while
equally attempting to use the DRA for some other purpose.’

Lynch added: ‘It would seem to me that they are either being
deliberately vexatious or seeking ongoing publicity.’

‘Of One Belief’s’ anger comes after a DRA meeting on Saturday morning
was called off late on Friday afternoon, reportedly because of the
non-availability of a key GAA witness.

Lynch is the only one of three national GAA PROs to be paid for his
efforts and is set to end his association with media and PR affairs at
national level in the coming weeks.

Fr Seamus Gardiner, who is the national Referees committee PRO, and
journalist Coilin Duffy, who looks after the promotion of Higher
Education GAA affairs, which include the Sigerson and Fitzgibbon Cups,
are the only volunteer PROs at national level excluding Ladies football
and camogie.

Former GAA Press Officer Fergal McGill had been expected to take over
from Lynch, but the Leitrim native has assumed a role in the office of
new Ard Stiurthoir Paraic Duffy.

It is expected that Lynch’s successor will be announced shortly.




Malaysia the venue for 2008 Asian Gaelic Games
Leinster GAA News

Penang, 10-12 October 2008

March 2008 – Penang, Malaysia will be the venue for the 2008 Asian
Gaelic Games.
Over 500 GAA players from across Asia will converge on Penang – the
tropical island known
as ‘The Pearl of the Orient’, on the west coast of Malaysia from 10-12
October to compete
for the titles of GAA Champions of Asia.

Organised by the GAA’s Asian County Board and supported by Guinness®,
the weekend will
be one of the largest amateur sporting events in Asia this Olympic year.

The Asian Gaelic Games are the largest annual event for the Irish
Community in Asia and
will bring together sports people from over twelve nationalities for a
weekend celebration of
Ireland’s sporting and cultural heritage.
The weekend will begin with the Asia Ireland Business Forum for Irish
professionals working
in the region – the keynote speaker at last year’s event was Dick

Leinster Council and Overseas Work Group Chairman, Seamus Howlin
welcomed the
decision to bring the games to Malaysia for the first time and added
‘Croke Park has been a strong supporter of the efforts of the Asian
County Board
to develop Gaelic Games in Asia, the world’s most dynamic region. The
growth in
the popularity of our games in Asia is a reflection of this dynamism and
plays a
key role in helping to bring together the Irish Community in the region.
Since the
Asian County Board was put in place, new clubs have been started in
Japan, Malaysia, Thailand and Vietnam.’

‘I know that Chairman Paraic McGrath and his team are working to put a
sustainable structure in place for the years ahead. The GAA in Asia has
been an
extraordinary resource for the Irish Community in keeping their links
with home
and with one another as well as for reaching out to their local hosts.
We are
particularly pleased with the growth in the numbers playing at underage
level – its
was such a proud occasion for all of us present when 50 or so of the
Gaelic Cubs, all aged under 15 and trained by Teresa Ryan and her team,
on their Australian Rules counterparts at last year’s Asian Gaelic
‘We are also very heartened by the ACB’s determination to promote our
in new locations, thus helping to raise the profile of Ireland and our
culture. We
look forward to supporting the event in Penang and to attending the
which are now a unique and permanent fixture on our calendar’.

Dr Paddy Kieran, Manager of the Penang Pumas, the newest GAA team in the
welcomed the initiative to bring the games to Penang. He said

‘The Penang Pumas club is based at the Penang Medical College, a joint
including the Royal College of Surgeons of Ireland and UCD. We look
forward to
hosting the Games on the Island and to involving the many Irish who live
work in Penang and their Malaysian friends.’

The Asia Ireland Business Forum on Friday, 10 October will be followed
by the official
opening of the games, the highlight of which will be the draw to see who
will be matched
against the current title holders: Hong Kong in the men’s competition
for the ‘Derek Brady’
Trophy and Dubai for the Ladies Football and Men’s Hurling Competitions.
The games
themselves will be played over two days on four pitches located at the
Padang Polo – which
will be given the honorific title ‘Padang uí Chrócaigh’ for the

Further details are available from Peter Ryan, PRO Asian County Board at or +65 9759 6321.





Micheal O’Muireachartaig
Historic GAA Commentator and Personality

Micheal O’ Muireachartaig has been the most distinctive and best known voices in Irish radio for many years. His vast knowledge of all sports is unparalleled. His match commentaries are listened to by millions all over the world. Having him as a special guest on Terrace
Talk was a very special occasion.


Born in Dingle, one of the most picturesque fishing ports in Ireland and a beautiful
tourist attraction in the county of Kerry, Micheal O’Muireachartaigh is now in his 53rd year as a national broadcaster with R.T.E and has one of the most distinctive live voices on the airwaves. He made his debut behind the microphone on St. Partick’s day in 1949. Like most Kerry lads, Micheal played G.A.A games at school level and later worked as a primary teacher for fifteen years, and a further thirteen at second level before being bitten by the broadcasting bug.


Greyhound racing and golf are Micheal O’Muircheartaig’s other sporting passions
(he has always owned a few greyhounds). Micheal is a great family man with eight children and three grandchildren. He married Helena in 1970 and she attends all the big games. Micheal O’ Muireachartaig is one of the most recognised faces and voices in Ireland, but above all he is one of the most sincere and genuine people one could wish to meet. He is truly a legend in his own lifetime.






NFL: Who’s Going Up & Down

The top four teams face off against each other this weekend in the GAA’s
own version of ‘Super Sunday’!

Division 1

Galway’s progress to the Division 1 League final is still predicated on
drawing with or beating Kerry, unless they lose by less than three
points which will keep them above the All-Ireland champions as they will
have scored more. If they don’t, they have to hope that Donegal beat
Derry by a narrow margin as Derry’s score difference is high (+18).

A Derry win over Donegal will secure a place in the final regardless of
other results because of that score difference. If Donegal beat Derry by
two points or more the best result for them in Galway would be a home

Kerry’s task is straight forward — they need to beat Galway by more
than two points to progress, a one-point win for Kerry would then
require a draw in Ballybofey or else a narrow Donegal win.

At the other end, Laois are relegated and Kildare will probably follow
them unless they can sign off with a big win over Laois and hope that
Tyrone falter against Mayo at home. Kildare are -18, Tyrone are just -5,
so Kildare need a seven point swing and a serious streak of luck to

Remaining games

Sunday — Rd 7: Galway v Kerry, Donegal v Derry, Tyrone v Mayo, Laois v

Prediction: Galway/Derry final, Kildare to join Laois for the drop.

Division 2

Monaghan have to beat Westmeath to ensure they progress to the Division
2 final. Westmeath’s path is also straightforward as victory in Clones
will earn them the same privilege.

Dublin need just one more victory against either Armagh or Meath to lay
claim to a final place.

A draw in one of those games would suffice if Monaghan beat Westmeath.
Mathematically, Meath have an outside chance but would need to beat
Dublin by a resounding score to prevail as the swing is currently 30

At the bottom, Roscommon are doomed and Cavan are almost certain to join
them unless they beat the Rossies on Sunday week by a huge margin and
hope that Armagh lose their remaining games to Dublin and Cork by
considerable margins too. In that event a massive 31 swing on Armagh
would be required.

Remaining games

Sunday — Rd 6: Armagh v Dublin.

Sunday April 20: Dublin v Meath, Monaghan v Westmeath, Armagh v Cork,
Roscommon v Cavan.

Prediction: Dublin/Monaghan final, Cavan to join Roscommon in the drop.

Division 3

Fermanagh are already promoted and Wexford, on 10 points as things
stand, are most likely to join them as only Down (6pts) can catch them.

Down have Limerick in a rearranged game this weekend and meet Fermanagh
in the last round at home.

Wexford have Louth with a draw sufficient to progress. If they lose that
and Down win both games there’s still a 15 point swing to over turn.

The relegation battle is much more interesting. Sligo on two points are
staring into the abyss. For the Connacht champions to survive they must
beat Longford by more than two points to jump ahead of them on points

Even then they have to hope for Limerick, who are a point ahead of them,
to lose to Down and Leitrim. Leitrim are by no means safe themselves
with a score difference of -19 though a win over Limerick secures
Division 3 status next season.

With superior scoring differences at this stage Louth and Down both look
safe as Leitrim and Sligo are unlikely to better them.

Remaining games

Sunday: Down v Limerick.

Sunday April 20: Down Fermanagh, Limerick v Leitrim, Longford Sligo,
Wexford v Louth.

Prediction: Fermanagh /Wexford final. Sligo and Leitrim to fall.

Division 4

Offaly are free from the clutches of the Tommy Murphy Cup for this year.

With 13 points they can’t be caught. Antrim have a bye next weekend and
if they beat Waterford at home on the weekend of April 20 they’ll be
also promoted.

However, with a game in hand Tipperary, Waterford and Wicklow still have
an outside chance to go up. They need to win their remaining games
however and hope that Antrim falter at home next week.

Remaining games

Sunday: Waterford v Tipperary, Kilkenny v London, Wicklow v Carlow,
Clare v Offaly.

Sunday April 20: Tipperary v Wicklow, Carlow v Kilkenny, Antrim v
Waterford, London v Clare.

Prediction: Antrim to join Offaly in Division 3.







GAA and other Quotes



‘The Empire Strikes Back.’ Headline in the Kildare Nationalist the week after Moorefield won the Leinster Championship in 2006 and Sarsfields U21’s beat Moorefield whose team contained a number of Leinster medallists in the Championship Quarter final.

‘It wasn’t your fault. It was the feckin’ eejits that picked ya.’
        – Anonymous fan, giving some faint praise to a player

‘I don’t want to be biased, but what was the referee at there?’
        – Sean Walsh, of Galway bay FM

‘There won’t be a cow milked in Finglas tonight.’
       – Keith Barr, after Erin’s Isle 1998 All-Ireland Club semi win.

‘The difference between winning a club and a county All-Ireland is when you get a slap on the back after the match, you actually know the person when you turn around.’
        – Thomas Meehan of Caltra

‘Could I suggest that in future the GAA allocate a five-minute free-for-all before the television coverage of its games to dissipate the aggressio, tension etc?’
        – Letter to ‘The Irish Times’ (1996)

If Wexford Hurling Ltd was a company and we had produced the results that we have over the last 25 years or so, we would have been declared bankrupt long ago.
        – Phil Murphy, ‘Wexford People’

There’s sunsets and there’s the gummy smiles of newborn babies. There’s puppy dogs with wagging tails and there’s Scarlett Johannsson… But honestly, there is no sight that gladdens the heart quite as much as that which greets you when pull into a GAA club on a Saturday morning. The mini-leagues! Little kids in hurling helmets covering every blade of grass like a happy and un-cordinated army of ants. It’s great to see.
        – Tom Humphries,

A prominent rugby coach from the Southern Hemisphere who has been at many Gaelic football matches this summer said that he has given up trying to figure out which way the referee will award a free for a tackle. Will the man in possession be penalised for holding on and not playing the ball, or will he gain a free because an opponent has tackled him illegally?
Well, I have news for the man from Australia. I have been playing and watching Gaelic since I was knee-high to a grasshopper, and I haven’t a clue either. Gaelic football has regressed to being a sort of glorified contact-basketball.
        – Sean Diffley, ‘The Irish Independent’

I considered beating the living daylights out of it but its probably got a wife and snakelets to look after.
        – David Feherty, after being bitten by an adder at the PGA Championship

I need 2 sherpas, one to carry my clubs, the other to carry me.
        – Brian Barnes before the ’91 German Open on the hot, mountainy Dusseldorf course

‘It’s like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline.’
‘It’s the nearest thing to public execution this side of Saudi Arabia.’
‘The atmosphere is a cross between the Munich Beer Festival and the Coliseum when the Christians were on the menu.’
        – Sid Waddell, legendary British Darts commentator

 ‘There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.’
        – Steven Wright

The 1936 Olympics was one of the great historical occasions where vast, competing ideological abstractions are rendered into one iconic event of black-and-white simplicity. Jesse Owens’s victory over Erich Borchmeyer in the 100 metres was a symbolic affirmation of a common humanity over pseudo-scientific categorisation of Nazi racial science. It was only through luck that Owens has been remembered by history. In the season leading up to the games he had been beaten in five out of six meetings by another African-American sprinter, Eulace Peacock. Unfortunately Peacock suffered a hamstring injury just before the Olympic trials and failed to qualify. Owens’s multiple victories — in the 100m, 4x100m, 200m and long jump — certainly irked Hitler, but he was adulated by the Berlin crowd for whom a black man was not so much a threat to the purity of the Volk as a curio who would be safely shuffled out of the country at the end of the games.
        – Jonathan Beckman, reviewing ‘Berlin Games: How Hitler Stole the Olympic Dream’, The Observer

Players win games, teams win championships.

– Bill Taylor



A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed (Bachelor 
Of Education) Exams, which the father receives as: ‘Father, your daughter 
has been successful in BED.’
On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, 
well-off white South African lady has found herself sitting next 
to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to 
complain about her seating.
‘What seems to be the problem, Madam?’ asked the 
‘Can’t you see?’ she said, ‘You’ve sat me next to a kafir. I 
can’t possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me 
another seat!’
‘Please calm down, Madam.’ the stewardess replied. ‘The 
flight is very full today, but I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll 
go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or 
first class’.
The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man 
beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding 
passengers). A few minutes later the stewardess returns with 
the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help 
but look at the people around her with a smug and 
self-satisfied grin.
‘Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I’ve 
spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. 
However, we do have one seat in first class’.
Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess 
continues: ‘It is most extraordinary to make this kind of 
upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission 
from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt 
that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit 
next such an obnoxious person.’
With that, she turned to the black man and said: ‘So if you’d 
like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you…’
At which point, the surrounding passengers stood and gave a 
standing ovation while the man walked to the front of the 
plane . . .
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. 

They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, ‘Watch that wall!’

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ‘Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.’

Her friend glared at her.

For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, ‘How soon do you need to know?’

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver’s side.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

‘I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are,’ the cop said. ‘You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.’

‘How can you say such a thing?’ asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, ‘Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.’

‘My God!’ screamed the lawyer. ‘My Rolex!’

Strange but true (supposedly)

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter’s swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say ‘Your daughter is pregnant.’ The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, ‘Quit looking out the window! Aren’t you paying attention to me?’ Yes, of course I am paying attention ma’am. It’s just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. And I was hoping that they would show up again.

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.

When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and pulled the trigger again. This time it worked.

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

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