Sarsfields Weekly Newsleter

November 8, 2018

THE SASH Wednesday October 28th 2008


The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.


Sash lose out in Replay as Senior B’s beat Moorefield


Commiserations to the senior team on losing the County Final replay. It simply wasn’t to be. Thanks to the players and management team of Paul Doyle, Dave Clancy Noelie McHugh, Ross Dunphy, Ann Nolan, Rubber Keogh Eric Thorpe and Lorcan O’Donnell for their hard work throughout the year. With more young players to come through next year there is no doubt that the Sash will be back. But it was not all doom and gloom at the weekend as the Senior B team won the Championship on Saturday with a late late goal against Moorefield. Both teams deserve credit for the excellent football played in atrocious conditions. Well done to the team and to the Management team of Doc O’Connnell, Ian Mcloughlin Paddy Scales and Nicky Redmond. Commiserations to the U26B team that lost narrowly to Monasrterevin on Saturday. Thanks to the Mamagement team of Mark Kennedy, Patsy Aspell, Paul Dunning and Brian O’Rourke.


Alan Barry appointed as new Kildare U21 Manager.

Alan Barry has been appointed as new Kildare U21 Manager. It is expected that his appointment will be ratified at next Tuesday’s County Board Meeting. Mick Monaghan will again be a selector and will be joined by Clane’s Eddie McCormack. We wish Alan and his team the best of luck next year and with Sarsfields this year beginning on Saturday.


Sash U21’s begin defence of their Crown

Sarsfields U21 team will begin the defence of their title next Saturday in Moorefield against Na Fianna at 2.30. Please come out and support the team.


Coaches Corner.

More Stupid Quotes.

‘Everyone is at peace and happy and they all hop around from
cloud to cloud. And an old man with a long, white beard
wanders around – that’s God.’
– Britney Spears, on her view of heaven

Strange News.

Customer Billed For Being Arrogant
James Storrie was charged $140 on his monthly mobile phone bill
for being arrogant.  Telecom Corp., New Zealand’s largest phone
company apologized to Storrie for charging him a fee for being
an ‘arrogant b*****d.’  The phone company is investigating as to
how that charge showed up on his bill.  Martin Freeth, Telecom
spokesman, said, ‘We’ve apologized and taking steps to stop
anything like this…it’s an aberration.’

Man Sucked Into Airplane Engine

A man was killed after being sucked into an Air Chine aircraft
engine in Western Japan.  Police state that Zhang Xinmin, a
maintenance staff member, chased the plane as it began to taxi
toward the runway for take-off.  Police suspect that it may have
been a suicide.

Man Killed With Umbrella

A man was killed with an umbrella apparently resulting from a
dispute over a parking spot.  Witnesses heard a loud argument
and said they saw a young man in a navy suit holding a black
umbrella flee from the scene.  Toshimi Kuwabara, 55, staggered
into his 77-year-old mother’s house in Hiroshima, with numerous
stab wounds.  He was taken to hospital but died an hour later.

 True Story.

Pity the poor pig, for its undeserved reputation of being a dirty little swine, all because they roll in the mud. They’re not doing it because they’re…well, pigs…they’re doing it because they have no sweat glands, and their only way to cool off is to lower their body temperature by direct contact with cooler substances like water.

Pigs have never quite gotten the credit they deserve for other things either, such as New York’s most famous financial district, Wall Street. Its name is derived from the wall erected there in the 17th century, to contain the local bacon population. Cattle branding would never have seen the light of a campfire either, if it weren’t for pigs, which by law, were required to be branded in Connecticut.

Yes, pigs are a big part of life, no matter how you fry, roast or barbecue them. Some are bigger than others. The largest pig on record, was a gargantuan porker named “Big Bill”, who lumbered around Jackson, Tennessee in the 1930s. Bill weighed an incredible 2552 lbs., and was over nine feet long.

In the way of statues, you have the petite porker (only 600 pounds) on top of the Koender’s Mfg. Plant in Englefeld, Saskatchewan. The precocious porcine is 17 feet long, 7 feet tall, and is constructed from wood, wire, mesh, fiberglass cloth and resin. He is a symbol of the annual Hogfest, and being on the roof, proof that pigs can fly. They really do. Further evidence, is the world’s largest flying pig, a hot air balloon named Ham-let, who is a whopping 100 feet tall, 60 feet wide, and 80 feet long.

Pigs aren’t just pretty pusses either. They are intelligent, and can easily be taught tricks, as evidenced by the Valentine’s Performing Pig troupe of San Antonio, Texas. Their stable of stars boasts the lovely Nellie, four-time World Pig Trick Champion, who also won the $10,000 prize on America’s Funniest Home Videos for her clip titled “Jurassic Pork”.

No doubt Nellie is a valuable asset, but could she match the auction price of $56,000 for a crossbred hog named “Bud” in 1985? He was the most expensive piggy ever taken to market. Humour.

Out of the mouths:
: ‘Why are you home from school so early?’
‘I was the only one who could answer a question.’
‘Oh, really? What was the question?’
‘Who threw the blackboard duster at the teacher?

Newspaper boy:
A newspaper boy was standing on the corner with a large pile of papers, shouting, ‘Read all about it. Twenty five people cheated. Twenty five people cheated.’

Intrigued, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was
yesterday‘s paper. The man said, ‘Hey, this is an old paper, where’s the story about the big swindle?’ The newspaper boy ignored him and went on yelling out, ‘Read all about it. Twenty six people cheated.


During a visit to a Psychiatric Hospital, a visitor asked the Consultant Psychiatrist, ‘How do you establish whether a person should be sectioned and institutionalised?’

‘Good question,’ replied the psychiatrist, ‘what we do is fill up a bathtub, and we offer the prospective patient a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket and we ask him to empty the bathtub.’

‘I see,’ opined the visitor. ‘That’s easy. A normal person would obviously choose the bucket because it is larger than the spoon or the teacup.’

‘Aaaaah, no,’ answered the director. ‘A normal person would pull out the plug.’

Golf Club Repair

Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice.  I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with ‘the girls’ a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, ‘just some friends from work, you don’t know them.’ I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with ‘the girls’. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the golf shop where I bought it?

Thanks Jim

Mexican Cyclist

A man on a bike, carrying two saddlebags, was stopped by a guard while crossing the US-Mexican border.  He had rigged up a primitive rope bridge to by-pass the customs control.

‘What’s in the bags? demanded the guard.
‘Sand,’ the cyclist answered.
‘Take them off. I need to take a look.’ retorted the guard.

The guard emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border. A week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags. The guard demanded to see them, and again they contained nothing but sand. This continued every week for six months, until one day the cyclist failed to appear. A few days later, that same guard ran into the cyclist in Tijuana.

‘Hey, where have you been?’ the guard enquired. ‘You sure had us wondering. We knew you were smuggling something across the border. So tell me and I won’t say a word. What was it?’

The man smiled broadly and told him the truth, ‘Bicycles!’

Rancher John

Old ranch owner John farmed a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent an agent out to interview him.

‘I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,’ demanded the agent.

‘Well,’ replied old John, ‘There’s my ranch hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.’

‘That’s the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,’ says the agent.

‘That would be me,’ replied old rancher John.

Answers to last week’s Brain Teasers.

1The Lone Ranger rode into town on Friday. He stayed 5 consecutive 
 days and left on Friday. How could this be?

Answer: His horse was named Friday.   

2 How much dirt is in a hole that is 3 ft deep, and 6 inches in diameter?

Answer: None 

3 A man left a legacy of €10,000 to three relatives and their wives. 
Together, the wives received €3960. June received €100 more than 

Camille, and Martha received €100 more than June. Jack Smith was 

given just as much as his wife, Frank Saunders got half as much 

again as his wife, and Terry Connors received twice as much as his 

wife. Which wife belongs to which husband.

Answer: As it is evident that Camille, June and Martha received 
respectively $1220, $1320 and $1420, making together the $3960 

left to the three wives, if Jack Smith receives as much as his 

wife Camille, $1220; Horace Saunders half as much again as his 

wife June, $1980; and Terry Connors twice as much as his wife 

Martha, $2840, then we have correctly paired the married couples 

and accounted for exactly $10,000.


 This week’s Brain Teasers.

1 Two men were being tried for murder. The jury found one man guilty 
and the other innocent. The judge turned to the guilty man 

and said, ‘Even though your guilt has been established, the law 

compels me to set you free.’ How could such a bizarre judgement occur? 

2 There was a man who had a Fox, a Chicken, and a bag of Grain. He 
had to cross a river to get back home, but he could only take one 

item with him at a time. He could only take the fox, or the grain, 

or the chicken. Well, if you leave a chicken and a fox on one side 

of the river while taking the bag of grain across, the fox will 

eat the chicken, same thing with the chicken and the grain. Can’t 

leave those two alone or the chicken will eat the grain. How do 

you get them all across the river safely? 

 3 How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25?

Answers next week. You can e-mail your answers to the address below and those with the correct answer(s) will have their names published so everyone can see how brainy they are.

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