Congratulations to the Senior Camogie team who captured the League title beating Athy last night.

Kildare cruised to an emphatic victory over a very disappointing Derry
team in Newbridge on Saturday.

The rampant Lilywhites had a total of 12 scorers in this one-sided
encounter, the result of which was beyond doubt well before half time,
by which stage Andy Comerford’s charges led by 1-16 to 1-4.

They were leading by 0-9 to 0-0 when Sam Dodds struck for Derry’s goal
but that score had no effect on the game’s trend, with Kildare slotting
over points from all angles and distances, and Tony Murphy rattling the
net with a well-struck ground stroke.

It was more of the same after the resumption despite the valiant
attempts of Oisín McCloskey for Derry, with Colm Buggy and Richie
Hoban imperious around midfield. Substitute Kieran Divilly added another
goal to bring the winning margin to 19 points.

Scorers — Kildare: A McAndrew 0-5; T Byrne 0-4; T Murphy, K Divilly 1-1
each; M Divilly, M Dowd (2fs), C Buggy, R Hoban (2fs) 0-3 each; M
Moloney 0-2; P Divilly, D Harney, B White (f) 0-1 each. Derry: O
McCloskey 0-5 (3fs); S Dodds 1-0; M Craig, P Henry 0-2 each; N Holly, K
Hinphey (f), D Brunton 0-1 each.

Kildare — P Dermody; P Reidy, D Ryan, J Doran; D Harney, D Kennedy, C
Everard; C Buggy, R Hoban; T Murphy, P Divilly, T Byrne; A McAndrew, M
Divilly, M Dowd. Subs: K Divilly for Dowd (47), M Moloney for P Divilly
(48), O Lynch for Buggy (55), B White for Hoban (59), A Bourke for
McAndrew (60).

Derry — A Magill; R McCloskey, C Quinn, M Craig; S McCullagh, S Henry,
K Hinphey; O McCloskey, N Holly; S Dodds, SL McGoldrick, C McKenna; D
Brunton, P McCloskey, G Kelly. Subs: B Dodds for P McCloskey (27),R
O’Kane for Hinphey (28), P Henry for Kelly (ht), G O’Kane for McGoldrick
(44), P Gallagher for R McCloskey (60).

 GAA All-Ireland Football Championship Qualifiers Round 1
Most people would agree that we got a good draw in Sunday night’s qualifier draw. It could have been a lot worse- like Derry in Celtic Park for instance. Supporters would have been even happier if we had gotten Tipperary in Newbridge instead of Cavan. A bit of shooting practice to get the team limbered up for more serious challenges ahead you might think. Then think again. In a secret, behind closed doors challenge at the weekend Kildare played Tipperary and lost by a point. When asked his reaction to the defeat one Kildare player replied “Well Tipperary were good”. He may have a point.  After all Tipperary were promoted out of Division 4 this season and the last time we played a Division 4 team – who couldn’t even get above mid table in the league- we lost by 4 points.  The loss to Tipperary by a single point can thus be seen as an incremental improvement in the team’s performance since the Wicklow debacle. Things are looking up!

The CCCC this morning confirmed the dates and times of the Round 1 Qualifer. Kildare will play Cavan on Saturday 19^th July at 7 pm in St Conleth’s Park

Draw

Limerick v Meath
Longford v Laois
Kildare v Cavan
Offaly v Down
Louth v Tyrone
Tipperary v Westmeath
Donegal v Roscommon
Monaghan v Derry
Ties to be played 19/20 July

TV3 GAA Fixtures

6/7/2008 Leinster Hurling Final LSHC
13/7/2008 Connacht Football Final CSFC
19/7/2008 Round 1 Qualifiers AIFC
20/7/2008 Ulster Football Final USFC
26/7/2008 Round 2 Qualifiers AIFC
2/8/2008 Round 3 Qualifiers AIFC

On RTE: The Sunday Game Live Fixtures

 July 6 Munster Senior Football Championship Final

July 12 All Ireland Qualifiers

July 13 Munster Senior Hurling Championship Final

July 19 All Ireland Qualifiers

July 20 Leinster Senior Football Championship Final

July 26 All Ireland Qualifiers

July 27 All Ireland Senior Hurling Championship Quarter-Finals

Aug 2/3/4 All Ireland Qualifiers

Aug 9 All Ireland Senior Football Championship Quarter-Finals

Aug 10 All Ireland Senior Hurling Championship and Minor Hurling

Championship Semi-Finals

Aug 17 All Ireland Senior Hurling Championship and Minor Hurling

Championship Semi-Finals

Aug 24 All Ireland Senior Football Championship and Minor Football

Championship Semi-Finals

Aug 31 All Ireland Senior Football Championship and Minor Football

Championship Semi-Finals

Sept 7 All Ireland Senior Hurling Championship and Minor Hurling

Championship Finals

Sept 14 All Ireland Senior Camogie Final

Sept 21 All Ireland Senior Football Championship and Minor Football

Championship Finals

Sarsfields Fixtures for the coming week.

Sarsfields begin their quest for championship glory on Friday night at 7.30 in St Conleth’s Park against Suncroft. 

With one game remaining in the League Sarsfields cannot catch up with Celbridge or  Moorefield  so both will play probably in the League decider on a date yet to be decided. St Laurence’s have an outside chance of reaching the final but would need to beat Sarsfields by a huge score and hope that either Moorefield or Celbridge slip in their final game thus forcing a playoff.

  League Tables below.

GAA and Department of Foreign Affairs launch Support for GAA Coaches

The GAA and the Department of Foreign Affairs today launched their joint community outreach initiative on Emigrant Heritage and Sport at Croke Park.


The project involves the joint funding of a number of full-time GAA Games Development Administrators in Britain and the US. These games administrators
are involved in the coaching and promotion of Gaelic Games in Irish communities and they are seen as enhancing links with the Irish Diaspora.

The GAA has received Stg £250,000 and €75,000 from the Department of Foreign Affairs in Emigrant Support community funding in Britain and
the US respectively. This amount has been matched by Central Council and the total amount has been used to support the 10 Games Development Administrators in Britain (London (2), Gloucestershire, Yorkshire, Hertfordshire, Scotland, Lancashire, Glasgow, Third Level, Bishop Challoner) and 4 so far in
the US (Boston, Philadelphia, Chicago, San Francisco) with San Diego in prospect. The GAA’s Overseas Work Group Committee, under the chairmanship of Sheamus Howlin and The National Coaching and Games Committee, under
the chairmanship of Christy Cooney have worked very closely with the Irish
Abroad Unit of the Department of Foreign Affairs in developing the overseas
strategy of the GAA.

In addition to the Games Development Administrators, the Department of Foreign Affairs has also pledged €20,000 for the support of the Belfast
Cuchullains, an integrated hurling team who are travelling to the Continental Youth Championships to be held in Philadelphia in July this year.
The team has been in existence for just over two years and has participated
in a range of events, including Shinty. The U-16 players in the team represent both the Catholic and Protestant traditions and live in areas of North, West and East Belfast. Comhairle Uladh has formed a strong link with the team and the schools leading the project. The Office of the First and Deputy First Minister in the North are also supportive of the project and will be hosting a reception in Parliament Buildings in July.

Speaking at the launch, GAA President, Nickey Brennan, said:
I am delighted that the Department of Foreign Affairs has agreed to assist our overseas development programme by jointly funding our Games Development Administrators in Britain and the US. I thank the Minister and his staff for their contribution to the project. Our Overseas Work Group under the chairmanship of Sheamus Howlin has worked tremendously well on developing our programme and I thank them for their work. We see our Games Development Administrators as being vital to the future of our association overseas and their work in the promotion of Gaelic Games and Irish culture is of
the utmost importance

He continued:
To see the Cuchulainns Club taking part in the CYC games in Philadelphia is particularly satisfying and I wish them a most enjoyable trip. I have no doubt that they will make new friends during the period of thegames, and that they will have a lifetime of memories when they return home.

Also speaking at the launch, Micheal Martin – Minister for Foreign Affairs said that:
‘The GAA is arguably our largest community and heritage organisation and ha
s a very special place within our Diaspora. The Association underpins and promotes Irish heritage and identity across the globe, and is a major contributor to Irish Community networks.’

The Minister went on to say that:
‘The 14 coaches are teaching Gaelic games in their local communities to second and subsequent generations of Irish abroad. A great deal of preparation has been put into the creation and development of this joint programme.
I congratulate everyone involved for the imaginative initiative and for helping to cement our heritage links with future generations of Irish people
overseas. We are jointly committed to the future success of our extended family abroad and the Association.’

GAA Museum Continues Action Packed Summer Events for all the Family

The popular new Legends Tour series at the GAA Museum kicked off with
Jimmy Keaveney and Micheál Ó Muircheartaigh in June. The next tour
takes place on Saturday 5th July with former GAA President and Galway
Hurling legend Joe McDonagh who will share his experiences of
All-Ireland Final day in Croke Park. During his playing career Joe Mc
Donagh won an U21 All-Ireland medal in 1972, a National League title in
1975, an All-Star in 1976 and an All-Ireland Senior Hurling medal when
Galway lifted Liam MacCarthy for only the second time in 1980. He also
served as GAA President from 1997-2000.

The GAA Museum’s Education Officer Selina O’Regan will host a special
‘Art Attack’ on Monday 30th June where young GAA fans can make, design,
write and illustrate their very own GAA themed book. For young experts
on the GAA and Croke Park there is an opportunity to join Selina on
Monday 21st – Friday 25th July for a special summer school to learn how
to become a tour guide in the home of Gaelic Games. There is also an
opportunity to preserve your GAA sporting memories and log your personal
details for generations to come by joining Selina on Monday 7th – Friday
11th July in creating and sealing a GAA time capsule to be opened at a
date to be decided by you in the future.

Finally, the Legends Tour series continues on Saturday 19th July with a
special tour featuring Dublin Football legend Charlie Redmond. During
his playing career Charlie Redmond received three All-Stars in 1993,
1994 and 1995. He won two National Football League titles in 1991 and
1993 as well as an All-Ireland Football title when Dublin last lifted
the Sam Maguire in 1995.

With high demand expected for all events, advance bookings are
essential.

Further information and booking:
Contact Selina O’ Regan at the GAA Museum Tel 01 8192361 / 8192323
Email soregan@crokepark.ie or visit www.gaa.ie/museum

Eric Thorpe’s Latest Venture

Eric Thorpe, greyhound trainer and Sarsfields senior team advisor extraordinaire, the man who knows everybody, the man who flirted and almost slept with the enemy earlier this year in Lanzarote has a new venture on the road; literally. Sarsfields head of security and self appointed senior team advisor has launched his latest scheme; a mobile Library service. “The idea came to me when I was asked to transport copies of the History of Sarsfields down to Michael O’Conner who is selling them in the shop” He has adopted his combined greyhound carrier and  Sarsfields mobile  security  patrol vehicle so that it can carry a wide ranging amount of books when he is not carrying his beloved greyhounds. “ I had a load of shelves put in that can be removed when I’m not carrying the greyhounds. Mick Ward is going to paint a sign on the side “Eric’s Mobile Library Service” “The next step for me would naturally for me to become the club historian. Tommy O’Hanlon will just have to accept that he’s history”.

 A spokesperson for Kildare County Council was doubtful of the legality of Mr Thorpe’s new service. He said “under the local government act it is the Co Council’s responsibility to provide a library service including a mobile service for rural areas, so we will have to check with our legal advisors on this” When Eric was asked about the Council position he replied, How can you expect them to provide a library service when their service is rubbish anyway,” he added with a twinkle in his eye. “Anyway I have a few politicians who are club members in me back pocket. I don’t want to mention names but one of them is the Junior B manager and the other is connected to the Earley’s. So lets just say I’ll have a bit of clout if the Council tries to stop me providing a service for the people. Anyway I mightn’t have to twist their arms too much since they’ll be looking to do people favours now that the local elections are coming up”.

In his first interview with the SASH since the infamous incident earlier this year when Eric went on holiday to the Canaries with Moorefield and rumours of his defection to the old enemy were rife he reiterated his loyalty to the Sarsfields cause.  “I had to put up with some stick when I came back from the Canaries. I’m totally committed to the Sash. Put it this way if Paul Doyle doesn’t question my loyalty why should anyone else. Paul is delighted with my input into the management team since I appointed myself. My team strategy is proving to be very effective and we have just missed a place in the league final by a couple of points. We have recovered our form. Our form was bad earlier on before I decided to help the team. That’s not a reflection on my fellow team mentors. It’s just a fact”. Asked about the upcoming championship and our prospects Eric was fairly optimistic. With typical Eric modesty he added, “You will have noticed since I came onboard that the team is playing more as a unit and with more fluency. This was particularly evident in the recent demolition of Kilcullen so I think were getting it together at the right time. I’ll be giving the lads a team talk at training on Tuesday night although even they won’t be needing my motivational skills being the year that  is in it with our rivals going for 3 in a row.

For new readers below is an account of Eric’s poolside frolics in the Canaries earlier this year.

Eric Thorpe, Senior Sarsfields Official  goes on Holiday with Moorefield!

Rumours of his Defection Rife.

Eric Thorpe, confidant of the Taoiseach, the man who knows everybody, who recently appointed himself to the new senior management set up and who also is chief of security for the club, and who has publicly stated that he may appoint himself as club chairman in the future, caused a major stir by jetting off to Lanzarote at the weekend with the Moorefield team and supporters for a week in the sun.

In view of Eric’s senior position within the Sarsfields club eyebrows were raised and rumours were rife that he had defected to Moorefield when the news broke at the weekend. A senior club official who did not wish to be named was giving little away, when asked if there would be disciplinary proceedings taken against Eric over his apparent divided loyalties or worse his defection, said, “We will have to debrief him when he returns before making a decision. Obviously in view of his senior position within the club this is potentially a serious disciplinary matter. There is no precedent for this. Eric is privy to the inner workings of the Senior set up so we will have to determine if he passed on any sensitive information to the Moors while indulging in cocktails binges at the poolside hotel with our arch enemy. The official added that the worry would be that apart from the alcohol and the heat that the normally reticent Eric might be become extremely voluble and turn into a hormone raging lothario if the Moors set up Eric in a honey trap, perhaps employing the use of a listening device in the seductresses bra as she wooed and massaged Eric at the poolside while the Moors executive committee listened in nearby hoping to catch one of our top officials in a compromising position on the sunbed as well as get some idea of Sarsfields plans for 2008. “We shudder to think what was said and done during the poolside frolics between Eric and the Moorefield planted seductress and masseur but we can only wait until Eric returns to get his side of the story to be fair”, the senior colleague of Eric’s added.

Meanwhile at the poolside in Lanzarote.

“Zo Eric tell me about ze fuutball team zat you are ze manager of, says the seductress as she bends over preparing to give Eric an all over body massage on his lilywhite body. “Well, I’m not the manager, but I’m second in command to the new manager”, says Eric who is not one to exaggerate or inflate his own importance. “ I’m what you would call the senior strategist for the team”, says Eric as he reaches down for his umbrella cocktail a la Del boy while puffing on a fat Cuban cigar. “Zat seems like a very important work zat you do”, says the seductress as she rubs oil into her palms. Behind a nearby hedge Tango Dooley is fiddling with the monitoring equipment. “Shush, he says to Paul Dempsey, I think we’re getting something here.

“Zo Eric you have been a fuutbal player too. No”? “How my beautiful Spanish petal did you know that”, says Eric beaming. “Oh zat it is easy”, says the seductress. “You have, how is it said in the eenglish? You have ze definition in ze muscles. It is ze sign of a real athletico”. “Well I was a great footballer for many years, says Eric modestly. “And now you are great strategist, because you played so well on ze field no?” “Yes and I have more experience and senior medals that all of the team put together”. “Zo you still do the training no”? “I can run like a greyhound so I appointed myself trainer to the senior team. I don’t just train them I train with them. I wouldn’t ask any of my lads to do something that I couldn’t do myself after all I’m a role model for all the players”.

“Zo you hav ze plans in place for dealing with ze other fuutbal teams in ze new season”. “I have”, says Eric in slightly higher pitched voice as the seductresses’ hands move slowly downwards. “Zo Eric is this fuutbal league like La Liga where ze have ze big local matches between ze big local teams like Real Madrid and Athletico Madrid. “Yes, yes we have zat too, I mean that too”, says Eric beguiled by her accent as he begins to wonder where her hands are now, unable to look, mesmerised as he is by the seductresses sultry voice, forgetting about everything even his beloved greyhounds as she stares intently and passionately into Eric’s eyes while Eric begins to drool like one of his greyhounds after a hard workout. “Zo Eric zell me about ze local team zat you do battle with every year in ze Newbridge City.” “Well they are called Moorefield and they are our biggest rivals. Actually I’m here with them this week.” “Vat, I no understand. Ze are here? Impossible! Why would you be with ze enemy here”, says the seductress acting her part like a great actress on stage. “Well I’m here to keep my ears open. I’m doing a bit of undercover work so to speak”, says Eric wondering why the masseur is no longer massaging him. “Zo you are a how you sey in the eenglish, a spy.” “Well let’s say I’m an observer,” says Eric with an enigmatic smile on his face. Tango curses from behind the hedge and whispers to Paul Dempsey, “ we’ll get f**k all out of him now. He’s getting no more effin drinks from us, the Sarsfields b******s. Between the drinks, the masseur and the recording equipment this is costing the club a small fortune. We’ll have to sell a lot more Euro Buster tickets next week to pay for this. On top of that we have the Leinster Council fine coming up and Banjo – the new Moorefield Health and Safety Officer – wants to buy a few new fluorescent signs for the clubhouse so that we can see in the dark in case the ESB cut us off which is likely seeing what the previous Health and Safety Officer is going to cost us after the fiasco in Mullingar. Jesus at this rate we’ll have to go to St Vincent De Paul for jerseys this year.”

Eric smiles to himself. “If you would like to hear more about my strategy my beautiful seniorita we can meet up tonight”, he says to the seductress. The seductress however has suddenly become surly, her smile eclipsed by her mood as she realises that Eric wouldn’t be giving any information away.  She wonders whether the idiot playing at spying behind the hedge and who uses the name of a well known dance as his code name- madre di dios, does he think that he is in James Bond – will pay her for her services. Well if not she thinks, the smile slowly returning, maybe she would switch sides and do a Tango with Eric instead. 
GAA and other Quotes.

‘We’ve won one All-Ireland in a row’ — Wexford Fan in 1996.

“we were riding a bit close to the tail of the donkey” Pat McDonnell Armagh manager in an interview with Rte after his team defeated Down in the Ulster Semi-final on Sunday last

‘Colin Corkery is deceptive. He is slower than he looks’ – Kerry fan

‘Any chance of an autograph? Its for the wife…she really hates you’ – Tipp fan to Ger Loughnane

Question: ‘Fintan Ginnity is our Fidel Castro. Will you be our Che Guevara?’ 



Answer from Colm O’Rourke: ‘I have no intention of going into the jungle of Columbia to get my b****x blown off me.’

‘These new regulations will kill the game of hurling within 12 months.’ – Brian Cody gives his verdict on the new experimental rules after Kilkenny play Dublin in the Walsh Cup.

I am always amazed when I hear people saying that sport creates goodwill between nations, and that if only the common peoples of the world could meet one another at football or cricket, they would have no inclination to meet on the battlefield. Even if they didn’t know from concrete examples (the 1936 Olympics, for instance) that international sporting contests lead to orgies of hatred, one could deduce it from general principles… At the international level sport is frankly mimic warfare.
        – George Orwell, ‘The Sporting Spirit’ (14 December 1945)

In Texas in the 1960s college basketball teams had been integrated, but there was an ‘informal rule’ that you never played more than one black player at home, two on the road or three if you were behind. After Texas Western won the 1966 NCAA championship with an all-black team on the court, defeating an all-white Kentucky team coached by the legendary Adolph Rupp, the rules were rewritten.
        – Roger Ebert, from his review of ‘Glory Road’

You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.

–         Plato

‘A daily festival of human suffering.’
        – Lance Armstrong describes the Tour de France

‘A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if you’re not enough without it, you’ll never be enough with it.’
        – Cool Runnings

More Stupid Quotes.

‘Reports are sketchy, but we have heard that in the first heart transplant operation in Belgium, both patient and donor are doing fine.’
– Radio news announcer

Solutions are not the answer.’
– Richard Nixon, former U.S. President

‘I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes.’
– Richard Nixon, former U.S. President

‘He dribbles a lot and the opposition don’t like it – you can see it all over their faces.’
– Ron Atkinson

‘I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better.’
– Ron Atkinson

‘I never comment on referees and I’m not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.’
– Ron Atkinson

‘The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation.’
– Ron Pickering

‘Watch the time -it gives you an indication of how fast they are running.’
– Ron Pickering

‘Facts are stupid things.’
– Ronald Reagan, Former U.S. President

‘He’s passe. Nobody cares about Mickey anymore. There are whole batches of Mickeys we just can’t give away. I think we should phase him out.’
– Roy Disney, Walt Disney’s brother, 1937

‘Danger Slow Men At Work’
– Road sign in Brunei

‘Permitted vehicles not allowed.’
– Road sign in America

‘It was pretty good. Even the music was nice.’
– Yogi Berra, Baseball player, after attending an opera

‘I really didn’t say everything I said.’
– Yogi Berra, Baseball player

‘A nickel ain’t worth a dime any more.’
– Yogi Berra, Baseball player

‘It’s like deja vu all over again.’
– Yogi Berra, Baseball player

‘Always go to other peoples’ funerals, otherwise they won’t go to yours.’
– Yogi Berra, Baseball player

‘Predictions are difficult, especially about the future.’
– Yogi Berra, Baseball player

Humour

Irish Priest In Texas

An Irish priest is transferred to Texas . Father O’Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

‘Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?’

‘And the best of the day to yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St. Brigid’s. There’s a jackass lying dead on front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’ yer lads to take care of the matter?’

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, ‘Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!’

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O’Malley then replied: ‘Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.’

Just Married

A Scouser met a beautiful blonde  and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, ‘But we don’t know anything about each other.’

He said, ‘That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.’

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, ‘That was incredible!’

He said, ‘I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about each other as we went along.’

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, ‘That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?’

‘No,’ she said, ‘I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey !

British hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood…..big, stately residences… no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all… NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness’s. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, ‘I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know.’

‘I’m very sorry, officer,’ replies the American, ‘but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can’t find a public restroom.’

‘Ah, yes,’ said the Bobbie…’Just follow me’. He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.

‘In there,’ points the Bobbie. ‘Whiz away SIR, anywhere you want.’

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop’s blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie ‘That was really decent of you… is that what you call ‘British Hospitality ?’

‘No sir’,… replied the Bobbie,…, ‘that is what we call the French Embassy.’

Australian Tourist Q&A

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors.

They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

__________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks (Sweden)?

A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns,Townsville and Hervey Bay?

(UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in

Australia?

(USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.

Aus-tra-lia is that big island in themiddle of the Pacific which does not

… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get

here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule?

(USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is … oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.

Milk is illegal.

__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can

Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.

All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and

make good pets.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.

Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female

population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

__________________________________________________

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the

Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help?

(USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.

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Medical Quotes

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians…

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

She is numb from her toes down.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

 Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room
 

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Stud Tires Out

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Shot Off Woman’s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Deer Kill 17,000

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

 Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply 

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Air Head Fired

Steals Clock, Faces Time

7 Foot Doctors sue hospitals

Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

 4 Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Juvenile Court to try Shooting Defendant

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

 What it ‘REALLY’ really means…

‘I can’t find it,’ REALLY MEANS, ‘It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.’

‘That’s women’s work,’ REALLY MEANS, ‘It’s dirty, difficult and thankless.’

‘Can I help with dinner?’ REALLY MEANS, ‘Why isn’t it already on the table?’

‘It would take too long to explain, ‘REALLY MEANS, ‘I have no idea how it works.’

‘I’m getting more exercise lately,’ REALLY MEANS, ‘The batteries in the remote are dead.’

‘Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard, ‘REALLY MEANS, ‘I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.’

‘That’s interesting, dear,’ REALLY MEANS, ‘Are you still talking?’

‘Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love, REALLY MEANS, ‘I forgot our anniversary again.’

‘You expect too much of me,’ REALLY MEANS, ‘You want me to stay awake?’

‘It’s really a good movie,’ REALLY MEANS, ‘It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and good looking women.’

‘You know how bad my memory is,’ REALLY MEANS, ‘I remember the words to the theme song of ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.’

‘Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,’ REALLY MEANS, ‘I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.’

‘I do help around the house,’ REALLY MEANS, ‘I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket.’

‘What did I do this time?’ REALLY MEANS, ‘What did you catch me doing?’

‘She’s one of the rabid feminists,’ REALLY MEANS, ‘She refused to make my coffee.’

‘I heard you,’ REALLY MEANS, ‘I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.’

‘You really look terrific in that outfit,’ REALLY MEANS, ‘Please don’t try on another outfit. I’m starving.’

‘We share the housework,’ REALLY MEANS, ‘I make the messes. She cleans them up.’

‘I don’t need to read the instructions,’ REALLY MEANS, ‘I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help.’

Scottish English and Irish,  scientists

After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after headlines in the British newspapers read: English archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year old fibre-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots.

One week later, Irish newspapers reported the following: After digging as deep as 5000 meters in a County Mayo bog, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, have concluded that 5000 years ago, Ireland’s inhabitants were already using wireless technology

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