Sarsfields Weekly Newsletter

November 8, 2018

THE SASH Tuesday October 14th 2008


The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.


  One more hurdle for Sash Minors and Senior to overcome for double.


Best wishes to both Minors and Seniors and to the team managements in Sunday’s County Finals. A special thanks to both sets of players, the Minor manager and selectors, Tommy Gorman, Noel Crinnigan, Kevin McCormack and John O’Loughlin and to the Senior Manager Paul Doyle and selectors Noel McHugh, Dave Clancy and backroom team of Physio Ken Coffey, Masseur Ann Nolan,  Maor Uisce, Eric Thorpe, Tom ‘Rubber’ Keogh. Lorcan O’Donnell and stats man Mark Dunning for all their hard work and dedication throughout the year. Hopefully their efforts will be rewarded with a minor and Senior double on Sunday.  The Minor Final is at 1.30 and the Senior Final is at 3.30. Thanks to all those who were out early on Sunday last and on Monday night to decorate the town with flags. There will be music in the clubhouse on Sunday night. Hopefully we will be celebrating a double victory. Come on the Sash

            Congratulations to Noelle Earley who has again been nominated for a Ladies football All-Star award.

             The Club will be holding a foundation level coaching course in the club hall on Friday next the 17th  of October starting at 7.30pm. Any team mentors who have parents or coaches helping them but who have not taken the foundation level coaching course would they please ask them to come along to this course. The course is open to all sections of the club.


TG4 Will be showing the match live on Sunday.



Question: What goes Beep Beep Beep? Answer: The Moorefield celebratory open top bus reversing back into its garage slot with a full fuel tank last Sunday week five minutes after the final whistle when the driver got a phone call from an anguished Tango Dooley.


Neeson’s Funeral Home 6pm Sunday October 5th.


The bar is deathly quiet; so much so it could have been a wake across the street in Leahy’s funeral parlour.  The air of desolation is tangible as the proverbial pin is heard clattering to the floor before muted conversations begin throughout as the bar fills up with distressed mourners making their way back from the scene of the carnage in St. Conleth’s Park. Inconsolable and in shock, the recriminations will come later as some of the shock wears off and the drink makes tongues voluble.  For now though the supporters are ashen faced and grim, disbelief etched on their faces. Grief stricken they line up for their pints of Guinness unable to fathom their terrible loss. The transformation from pre match revelry to post match requiem is complete as the barmen silently and quickly dispense pints for there are sorrows to be drowned. Even the Guinness though is hard to swallow, sticking in the craw along with the Sarsfields victory. It wasn’t supposed to end like this. It was supposed to end with three in a row and another Leinster victory at the very least.  The three in a row was already in the bag according to their premature celebrations that dominated KFM throughout the week of the match. They were going to thrash the hated enemy. It was only a question of how much the margin of victory would be. They were invincible. Unbeatable. Everyone said so. Unbackable. After all the bookies said so and as everyone in Neeson’s knows they are rarely if ever wrong. They had the flags and banners with three in a row printed on them ready to be hoisted on the streetlights. The first location naturally was to be the bottom half of the Town. They were queuing up to rub it in to us. Oh but how they miscalculated.  The Sash team was never going to lie down and accept their preordained faith like lambs to the slaughter, especially with the three in a row at stake. Oh high the mighty have fallen.  A week may be a long time in politics but an hour of football can change history. From being potential Leinster Champions –the county final was a foregone conclusion since they had already given Celbridge a pasting – to beaten Kildare semi-finalists in the space of an hour. The dream of equalling Sarsfields 3 in a row now lay in tatters, their hopes dispersed like tendrils of smoke in a breeze or protesters in Bejiung. Sarsfields had thread on Moorefield’s dreams and are the only team in the County capable of doing so. Maybe deep down this was a fear that Moorefield secretly acknowledged but covered it up with boundless overconfidence in the week leading up to the game.

As they contemplated all of this in the gloom of Neeson’s, their dour mood was palpable in sharp contrast to the joy of a rejuvenated Sarsfields and the celebrations in Coffey’s and the Clubhouse. The Moorefield old guard hurriedly called an emergency Politburo meeting and declared Monday the 6th as a day of Moorefield mourning so that they could all gather in Neeson’s and pay their final respects to the death of their dreams and sign a book of condolences for the loss of what they already had claimed as their own; the equalling of Sarsfields three in a row record. One of the old guard was so upset at losing to Sarsfields that he took to his bed for three days before arising Lazarus to find that the dream indeed had turned to a nightmare.

On Sunday night the bottom half of the Town was a Moorefield free zone, a self imposed no go area in contrast to the previous week when many of their supporters were down there in anticipatory victory mode. Against the backdrop of being such rank outsiders and the threat to our three in a row this was the sweetest of all  Sarsfields victories over Moorefield. It was an emotional day for all in Sarsfields but none more so than for the players from the generation that won the three in a row who watched proudly as this generation of young sons of Sarsfields fought valiantly and courageously to keep the older sons of Sarsfields three in row record intact.  




More Stupid Quotes.


‘Elephants Please Stay In Your Car.’
– Safari park sign

‘A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.’
– Samuel Goldwyn

‘Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.’
– Sign in Men’s clothing store

 ‘SAFETY FIRST: Please put on your seat belt – prepare for accident.’
– Sign on backseat of Taxi

‘We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door – the bell doesn’t work.)’
– Sign on door of repair shop

‘I consider Madonna a friend, and she sure knows how to work the publicity machine.  Of course, I don’t have breasts.  If I did  have, I’d be in the number one spot over Madonna.’
– Spike Lee, Director

‘It’s like their own personal equipment, like you have pens.’
– General Syarwan Hamid of Indonasia, justifying why his soldiers carry loaded guns on the streets.

‘The only happy artist is a dead artist, because only then you can’t change.  After I die, I’ll probably come back as a paintbrush.’
– Sylvestor Stallone, Actor

‘China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.’
Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President

‘This is a great day for France!’
President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle’s funeral.

‘Things are more like they are now than they have ever been.’ President Gerald Ford’

‘Capital punishment is our society’s recognition of the sanctity of human life.’ —
Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty.

My fellow astronauts…’ 
FormerVice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration.

‘Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.’ Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.

‘We found the term ‘killing’ too broad.’ State Department spokesperson on why the word ‘killing’ was replaced with ‘unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life’ in its human rights reports for 1984-5

‘The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated.’ Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland.

‘The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police.’ U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad.


Strange News

Over 3000 Snakes Found In Home

A woman in Bangladesh was surprised when she found two cobras on
her property.  The woman then called a snake charmer, Dudu Miah,
to capture the snakes.  He discovered 3000 snakes and hundreds
of eggs in the house.  Local newspapers reported that altogether
the snake charmer found 3500 snakes at two houses in
Narayanganj, which is located near Dhaka.  Many neighbours left
their homes in fear of the cobras.  The snakes were found after
digging underneath the floor of the house.  Miah will try to see
if their are more snakes in the neigbourhood, but is unsure what
he will do with them all.

Ancient Roman Found Dressed As A Woman
In England, the remains of an Ancient Roman man were found
wearing woman’s clothing and was said to be castrated.  The
remains of the man which was said to be from the fourth centruy
were excavated at Catterick, wich is in northern England.  He
was found to be wearing a necklace,an anklet, and a bracelet.
‘He is the only man wearing this array of jewelry who has ever
been found from a late Roman cemetery in Britain,’ said senior
archaelolgist, Dr. Pete Wilson. ‘In life he would have been
regarded as a transvestite and was probably a gallus — one of
the followers of the goddess Cybele who castrated themselves in
her honor.’  The skeleton was found way back in 1981, but it
took archaeologists quite some time to understand the male body
adorned with all this jewellery

Policeman Mugged Outside Of Police Station

A policeman was mugged by a man right outside the police station
in Hong Kong.  The policeman was shown a knife and the man took
the officers gun and twelve rounds of ammunition.  A statement
made by the police said that the officer was on guard duty
outside of the police station when the man approached him.  He
also took his police radio.  The attacker is trying to be
located by the police officers.  The police officers was not
hurt during the mugging.


These are actual call center conversations!

Travel Center

Customer: ‘I’ve been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can’t get through to enquiries, can you help?’.

Operator: ‘Where did you get that number from, sir?’

Customer: ‘It was on the door to the Travel Centre’.
Operator: ‘Sir, 0700 2300 is our opening hours’.

Samsung Electronics

Caller: ‘Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?’

Operator: ‘I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about’. Caller: ‘On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?’

Operator: ‘I think you mean the telephone point on the wall’.

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: ‘Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling
in Australia?’

Operator: ‘Doesn’t the product give you a clue?’

AA Motoring Services

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France): ‘If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?’

Directory Enquiries

1) Caller: ‘I’d like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please’.  
Operator: ‘I’m sorry, there’s no listing. Is the spelling correct?’

Caller: ‘Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the ‘B’ fell off’.

2) Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: ‘Woven? Are you sure?’
Caller: ‘Yes. That’s what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland’.

3) On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box
told a worried operator: ‘I haven’t got a pen, so I’m steaming up the window to write the number on’.

Call Center – Computer Support

Tech Support: ‘I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop’.
Customer: ‘OK’.

Tech Support: ‘Did you get a pop-up menu?’.
Customer: ‘No’.

Tech Support: ‘OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?’ Customer: ‘No’.
Tech Support: ‘OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?’.
Customer: ‘Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.

Caller: ‘I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?’.

WordPerfect Saga

There’s always one. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk
employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect
organization for ‘Termination without Cause’.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now you know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: ‘Computer performance assistance; may I help you?’ Caller: ‘Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.’

Operator: ‘What sort of trouble??’

Caller: ‘Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.’

Operator: ‘Went away?’
Caller: ‘They disappeared.’

Operator: ‘Hmm So what does your screen look like now?’
Caller: ‘Nothing.’

Operator: ‘Nothing??’
Caller: ‘It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.’

Operator: ‘Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??’
Caller: ‘How do I tell?’

Operator: ‘Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??’
Caller: ‘What’s a sea-prompt?’

Operator: ‘Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?’
Caller: ‘There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.’

Operator: ‘Does your monitor have a power indicator??’
Caller: ‘What’s a monitor?’

Operator: ‘It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on??’
Caller: ‘I don’t know.’

Operator: ‘Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??’
Caller: ‘Yes, I think so.’

Operator: ‘Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.
Caller: ‘Yes, it is.’

Operator: ‘When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??’
Caller: ‘No.’

Operator: ‘Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.’
Caller: ‘Okay, here it is.’

Operator: ‘Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.’
Caller: ‘I can’t reach.’

Operator: ‘Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??’
Caller: ‘No.’

Operator: ‘Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean over??’
Caller: ‘Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.’

Operator: ‘Dark??’
Caller: ‘Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window’.

Operator: ‘Well, turn on the office light then.’
Caller: ‘I can’t.’

Operator: ‘No? Why not??’
Caller: ‘Because there’s a power cut.’

Operator: ‘A power……… A power cut? Aha, Okay, We’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??’
Caller: ‘Well, yes, I keep them in the attic.’

Operator: ‘Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the shop you bought it from.’
Caller: ‘Really? Is it that bad?’

Operator: ‘Yes, I’m afraid it is.’
Caller: ‘Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??’

Operator: ‘Tell them you’re too ****** stupid to own a computer!

New Fashion

Bernie, a farmer, was in a café in Shepton Mallet, Somerset, one day having lunch, when he noticed his old friend, Big Matthew. What really caught his attention was that Matthew was wearing an earring.
Berjnie knew his old mate to be a very conservative fellow, tough and macho, and he was curious about his sudden change in ‘fashion sense.’ So he approached Big Mat and gently enquired, ‘Ooo, argh, Big Mat, I didn’t know you was into earrings an’ that.’

‘No big deal, Bernie, argh but ’tis only an earring,’ Big Mat replied rather sheepishly.

Bernie, the farmer, was silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity got the better of him and he demanded, ‘So, Big Mat, then ‘ow long have you been wearing one then?’

‘Ahaaa, ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment of my lorry,’ Matthew answered.

True Story

Was the Headless Chicken a ‘No-Brainer’?

Have you ever felt you were running around aimlessly, like a chicken with its head cut off? Well, in Fruita, Colorado, you can do that every year at the annual festival that honors Mike, the headless chicken!

Believe it or not, and many people don’t, a Colorado farmer attempting to dispatch a chicken for dinner in 1945, ended up with one of the biggest non-hoaxes of the era, and a place in the Guinness World Book of Records for the headless chicken who survived the longest.

Lloyd Olsen had been sent out to the yard, to sacrifice a plump young rooster of about six months. And guess who was coming to dinner to eat it? His mother-in-law. Knowing how she favored the neck, Olsen went about his task with the idea of keeping on the mother in law’s good side, by keeping most of the neck on the chicken. He succeeded in a way he’d never have expected in his wildest dreams.

When the chicken (who later became known as Mike, although nobody remembers why) was decapitated, he refused to lay down and die. While many birds slaughtered this way will appear to run around for a few seconds, it’s actually a nerve/adrenalin response by the body, with no actual intent to escape. They drop down, and die. But not Mike.

He continued to run around the chicken pen. Olsen let him be, and the next morning, found Mike asleep with his ‘head’ under his wing. Figuring that any bird who wanted to live that bad, was worth the work, he began feeding grain and water directly into the gullet through an eye dropper. When Mike was still alive a week later, Olsen packed him up, and drove him to the University of Utah, to explain the phenomenon.

Apparently the axe had severed the head above the brain stem, missing the jugular vein and leaving the entire brain, and one ear. A large clot had stayed any major bleeding, and the wound healed over, leaving the gullet open for feeding.

Not only did Mike live for another 18 months, but he grew to a creditable eight pounds, and became a national news story as well as a sideshow attraction. Mike went to that great chicken coop in the sky during a road trip in Arizona, when he began to choke in the middle of the night, and Olsen was unable to find the eyedropper with which they kept his throat cleared.

Answers to last week’s Brain Teasers.

1You want to send a valuable object to a friend. You have a box 
which is more than large enough to contain the object. You have 

several locks with keys. The box has a locking ring which is more 

than large enough to have a lock attached. But your friend does 

not have the key to any lock that you have. Note that you cannot send 

a key in an unlocked box, since it might be copied. How is this done?

 Answer: Attach a lock to the ring. Send it to her. She attaches her own 
lock and sends it back. You remove your lock and send it back to 

her. She removes her lock

2 You have two hourglasses–a 4-minute glass and a 7-minute glass. 
You want to measure 9 minutes. How do you do it?

Answer: Start both hourglasses. When the 4-minute glass runs out, turn it 
over (4 minutes elapsed). When the 7-minute glass runs out, turn 

it over (7 minutes elapsed). When the 4-minute glass runs out this 

time (8 minutes elapsed), the 7-minute glass has been running for 

1 minute. Turn it over once again. When it stops, 9 minutes have 


3 A man meets two men at two doors. A sign above the two doors 
says, ‘One door leads to eternal bliss, while one leads to certain 

peril. One of these men always lies, while one always tells the 

truth.’ You may ask only one question. What question do you ask to 

be certain that you get to the room with eternal bliss?

Answer: He asks them, ‘If I ask the other man which way to go, what would his answer be?’ They would both answer in the same way. Whatever the answer is, go the other way. If the man you ask always tells the truth, then the other always lies. The man you ask will tell truthfully that the answer would be the wrong way. If the man you ask always lies, then the other man tells the truth. The man you ask will lie and tell you that the other man would tell you the wrong way. In both cases the answer you would receive would be the wrong way. Go the other way

 Here is this week’s Brain Teasers.

1 What is the easiest way to throw a ball, have it stop, and
completely reverse direction after traveling a short distance?

2 If there are fifteen crows on a fence and the farmer shoots a 
third of them, how many are left?

3 An electric train is traveling southwest at 95 miles per hour, and
the wind is blowing north east at 95 miles per hour. In which 

direction does the smoke blow?

Answers next week. You can e-mail your answers to the address below and those with the correct answer(s) will have their names published so everyone can see how brainy they are.

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